Owning Blame

I realize at somewhere along the line, this blog ceases being about Second Life and becomes more about dealing with REAL LIFE issues - but I think that's normal since I am spending so little time in SL now. Although, that said, some of the issues I am still working through have a LOT to do with the time I spent in Second Life and even the people I met there.

Today's blog is about OWNING BLAME. I was on the telephone with an old friend the other day and we got around to this topic. Owning blame simply means taking on the blame others give you or that you yourself have given to you. An example of blaming myself would be "Now Stephanie, you didn't need 2 peanut butter cups...SHAME on you" (:)) and an example of owning blame given by someone else might be more like "It's all your fault that I was late for my appointment, you were in my way".

Blaming someone else (or something else) for your own behavior or actions is absolutely deplorable to me. But then again, I am pretty sensitive to it since it's something I have had to live with for most of my life. There have been MANY times someone has assigned blame to me - and you know what? I took it. I just took it whether it was truly my fault or not. And I am kind of done doing that. I really tire of having something always be my fault.

Let's examine something I was once blamed for: The Ketchup Bottle Was Put Into The Fridge Incorrectly. Okay...let's be logical with this. In the GRAND SCHEME of things, how important is it that a ketchup bottle wasnt placed in a fridge correctly? Does it rank closer to a 1 (for least serious offense) or 10 (for most serious offense)? So logically, let's examine this. Who is the one who decided WHAT the best way for a ketchup bottle to be placed in the fridge is? Was it agreed upon by a concensus? Was it self-determined? And if so, who died and made YOU the ketchup bottle placement police? If not, why so serious? What has it hurt having the bottle 3 inches from where you would rather see it? Does it truly disturb you SO much that you feel the need to make my life hell by blaming me for something that I didn't even know was a problem? And why should *I* even care in the first place. I could seriously care less about where the ketchup bottle is. Is it somewhere in the vicinity of the fridge? Will I see it pretty shortly after opening the door? It's not being cammoflagged by the mustard? It's not being hidden inside something? When people are suffering the world over, WHO THE HELL CARES WHERE THE KETCHUP IS? That is YOUR problem to own. NOT MINE.

Viola, lesson number ONE in NOT OWNING BLAME that doesnt belong to you.

I could go on and on with more examples, but really - most people get the idea here. If a problem belongs to you, don't assign it to someone else. It pisses off the other person, makes no sense logically and makes you look and eventually (hopefully) feel pretty stupid about your behavior.

Donna Cunningham from Donna Cunningham's Blog puts it this way:

"As comforting as it might be to find someone else to hold responsible for our troubles, that strategy won’t work. In the long run, it doesn’t change anything. In fact, refusing to accept and address our own contributions ensures that the problems continue to get worse."

Be mature and be responsible - take a step back before assigning blame and think very hard - DOES THIS BLAME BELONG TO ME OR SOMEONE ELSE? The best thing anyone can do in any situation where there are problems is JUST BE A PART OF THE SOLUTION. Move the ketchup bottle yourself - put it RIGHT where you think it should go - work on a good argument with detailed data about WHY it should go there and walk your partner or friend over the the fridge and show them the bottle. Explain why you feel it needs to be there and why it's important to you. Take the BLAME out of it completely and find a creative way to be a part of the solution.

And, while we're at it...learn to apologize properly. We have ALL done the half-apology. I am a master at it, actually. The "I am so sorry you feel that way" apology - basically telling someone that you're sorry that they are upset - but falling short of telling them that you ARE sorry THAT YOU upset them. And even when you DO apologize to someone in a way that seems right, you can find room for improvement. How much better is the second statement of these two:

1. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I haven’t been sleeping well.”

2. "I’ve been on edge because I haven’t been getting much sleep lately, but it was wrong of me to yell at you and I’m sorry.”

ACCEPT YOUR CONCEQUENCES, RECOVER GRACEFULLY, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND MOVE ON.

If you see yourself as a "blame-ee", from this point forward - DO NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME. Just look the person in the eyes and say "Your accusation towards me seems misplaced. I am not owning your blame."

And if you are the "BLAME-ER"...remember that accepting blame and responsiblity as well as being a part of the solution to the problem will free you from the effects of blame from the start. Cunningham says "Don’t try to shift even a part of the blame. This doesn’t mean that you should accept blame that you don’t deserve. But saying things like, “Well, if he hadn’t done this then I wouldn’t have done that.” is lame. Instead, say, “I am so sorry for this. I had no idea that what I did could cause this type of problem. How can I help fix it?”

The song for today is "fearless" - this is one of the songs that means SO much to me. It's a living, breathing example of how music can say more than words.