I couldn't sleep for quite a while this morning. I logged into SL for a little over an hour and just hung around listening to a few songs on YouTube and IMing with a friend overseas. It was good to talk - and I missed talking. We talked about SL and we talked about pain and we talked about sensitivity. It was a calming way to start my morning - and then I promptly fell asleep for a couple more hours. :)
This morning involved packing a box and gathering a few things together for the box before I send it back East. I put lunch together and we went out to E's chess meet-up. Then to the meat market/vegetable stand for some yummy ingredients for meals and home.
Not really much on schedule for tonight...so I think I will do a little dissection in my blog of thoughts about SL.
I am feeling much more in-control over my SL use. For example, logging off is easy now. I used to not feel that way. I used to find excuses to stay online. It wasn't easy at all for me to click that little "X" and close the window. One more store, one more shop, one more piece of virtual furniture moved, one more virtual decoration hung. That's just not the case anymore and that feels good on a number of levels.
I think sometimes about what drew me to SL in the first place. I know I mentioned it's because I was alone at night - which is still the case many evenings. I may or may not find myself gravitating back on a semi-regular basis for the things I DID enjoy. I have been on a "leave of absence" from my SL proofreading job and I have been contemplating trying a week or two going back for short periods and continuing to accept proofreading jobs again.
When I logged on to SL initially I felt pretty weak in spirit - and a bit dejected in general. While I was there and things were good, I felt stronger...then weak again. It's an interesting thing about SL. So many people say that your experience is what you make of it. If you walk in thinking you're going to be bored, you will be. If you walk in without a plan about the amount of time you spend there, you could spend a LOT of time there without realizing it. I think with a few set plans in place, I am open to giving the next couple of weeks a try with limited log-ons. If you see me out shopping - tell me to log off! :) I have more clothes than any 10 avatars need. :)
A lot of people go to SL to build. I have tried building and I am not really very good at it. I can barely make the basics. :) So I don't really see a reason to explore that further...I mean, I respect the people who CAN build - I totally look up to them. I like to watch them too. It's just not my thing I think. My thing is helping - and proofreading. So I will try and do my thing and see what happens.
I have lost that zombie feeling...and I have lost that stress that comes from always wondering what's happening in-world. At least for the most part. Sometimes I still wonder if there are IM's or notecards waiting...I love getting mail...but then I just tell myself I will see them next time I log on.
So back to the weak in spirit thing. I was watching YouTube clips earlier and I caught some more of those NOOMA mini-movies. I saw one called NAME. It was very thought provoking. Basically his point was that you have to own who you are - no matter your faults, your strengths, your weaknesses, your good and bad qualities - own them - make them yours. If you do this, you will absolutely come to love things about yourself that you dreaded before. I will be working on this going forward. I know part of my issues with SL addiction stem from being happier at one point with the avatar I created rather than the real me. Crystallyn is way hotter. Crystallyn has a killer wardrobe and can wear spikey boots. Crystallyn has stainless steel kitchen appliances and never has bed-head or the frizzies. But you know, even as I type this, I feel so differently about "crystallyn". Crystallyn can't hug anyone and feel their heartbeat against her. Crystallyn can't wipe anyone's tears away. Crystallyn can't "DO" anything. Crystallyn can't control her movements. She's not real and she never will be - no matter how much I once wished she could be.
In the interest of being absolutely honest about myself - which is what I promised I would be initially here - I own the fact that Stephanie does not look pixel-perfect. I am not a size 2 and I never will be. I don't have perfect hair and I can't hardly wear high heels since I had a little chunk of my right leg removed when I was diagnosed with cancer at 23. I still don't have feeling in my leg completely where they removed it. It's why I always wear Birkenstocks, actually. I have a couple pairs of heels that I can wear if the occasion calls for it - and two pairs of boots - but one pair of the boots have low heels and the other pair is a pair of Uggs - no heels there! I have this little blotch on my cheek that is just a tiny discoloration in my skin from were I got a little bit of sun-damage on my face a few years ago. Most days I have to tame my hair into a style. My eyebrows look like bert-brows (think sesame street) if I don't get them waxed often. My upper lip is too thin. My breasts have shrunk since I lost weight. My skin was stretched out in places and now kinda sags a little. My arms are flabby and my stomach is too. I have big feet. I have smallish hands. I have scars on different parts of my body here and there were doctors removed questionable samples of skin that looked like they could be cancerous. Wow, SEKSI, as they say in SL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I am laughing pretty hard at myself right now. I bet if any one reading this tried hard enough, they could come up with a bunch of things they don't really like about themselves physically too. Whether or not they would ADMIT them...that's another question entirely.
The thing is, I accept all of this about myself. I don't love it, but I accept it. Accepting my physical appearance for what it is has to be half the battle, right?
I don't ever want to be in a situation again where I wish I was living a different life - a SECOND life. I just want THIS life to be the life I want to live in.
When I think about the things I like about myself physically, I think about my hands - they are very pretty. My hair - while it IS frizzy, is naturally curly - and I love that as long as it's behaving. I like my mood-eyes. I think my nose is just great. I like my lower lip a whole bunch. My ears are terrific. I have pretty shoulders. I have pretty nice breasts - for what's left of them. I have an absolutely fantastic belly button. My stomach is a lot flatter than it used to be. My legs and thighs (I am starting to sound like a fried chicken) are in pretty good shape. My heart, lungs, blood pressure and other vitals are all in great shape. My weight is continuing to get under control. My body can handle walking, hiking, short jogs, sit ups and lots of dancing. My moles (I don't call them beauty marks) give me character and my facial expressions and way I react to people around me physically generally have the desired effect I want them to have (if I am trying to be silly/funny - people laugh, if I am trying to comfort someone with an expression or conveying tenderness, they feel comforted).
Maybe tomorrow I will think about some of the things inside myself that I do and don't really like that I am willing to own. Discovering and admitting weaknesses AND strengths about yourself can be absolutely liberating. No one can make me feel inferior without my permission - Eleanor Roosevelt said that (i might be paraphrasing). If I remove the feelings of inferiority by owning them, then it becomes even easier for me to just accept who I am, embrace and love myself and find joy no matter where I am in my life. Second Life IS what you make of it - but First Life is what you make of it too. I plan to make mine INCREDIBLE from here on out.
Relient K has a song about "hating who I have been" - I hate that I never did this sooner. I don't hate who I have been - because everything that has happened to this point has just helped make me who I am today. But I have hated a lot of who I was over the past 17 months...forgetting ME for the sake of living a virtual life. But you know, I'm working on that. :)
Relient K - Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
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