I had a comment from someone named "Anonymous" that was posted today at 9:39 am (it shows up as 10:39 am in the logs below). It was posted at the bottom of Sunday's blog post. It can be viewed here:
At first, I read the comment and I was touched that an individual would be concerned about me and feel strongly about sharing some supportive information with me [even if I did feel that it was a little out-of-date for where I am with the whole SL addiction thing]. One thing was nagging at me, however. I noticed that the main idea in the paragraph looked a little...I don't know...formal...almost like a textbook. I did a quick google-search of the words and I discovered that the "comment" was almost verbatim (apart from the words "you chose sl over spending time with your child or husband" and the individual who posted this comment also omitted using the word "our" in the last sentence and instead added the words "on line, as are support groups.") the rest of the "comment" was copy/pasted from a website on Internet Addiction from a Community Counseling Services web page in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
If you follow the link, you can see the "comment" is actually a portion of the last paragraph on the web page and I am including a copy of the link here in case anyone is interested in reading the full details on the topic for themselves.
I like to always make sure I notate carefully when I include information from other sources on this blog - as a former English major, I am sensitive to anything documented in this blog being accused of plagiarism.
I know how I feel personally when I write something and someone else uses it without my permission and takes it as their own without giving me the credit I am owed. Effective immediately I have removed the option to post comments without my permission so that I can approve all comments prior to publication.
It's my blog - I feel very VERY strongly about people not posting things that they do not note the source of in a post.
Now, as for the idea behind the "comment" - I agree completely with anonymous that if people feel that an addiction they have is currently out of their control, they should seek assistance from a counselor, a psychologist or any other people that might be able to help them. I have mentioned something to that effect several times in my blog and I have included resources that state that at the top right-hand side of every page of my blog.
Emerging healthy is absolutely the number one goal of this blog.
I hope anonymous has taken some of their own advice. After finding this, I decided to check my stats a little closer for the day and I discovered something interesting.
The individual who posted this comment (***as you can see starred below***) accessed my blog 49 times today as of 7:27 pm, Mountain time.
I removed all identifying information (like the IP address), but I did leave in the country, the time stamp, the screen size and the viewer type on each hit - the country, screen size and viewer are all identical. For the record, the average reader of this blog acesses the blog 1.7 times daily - this includes going from one page to another. 49 hits, while a huge compliment to me and to my writing, is a bit out-of-the-norm for the average reader. I guess that makes them an "above average" reader!
If the individual who wishes to remain anonymous did this for some sort of malicious reasons (although I am finding trouble finding the motive behind that), I hope that they will not choose to continue this behavior. If the individual did this out of genuine concern for me, I have my email address at the top right-hand corner of the blog. I would be happy to email with anyone about any personal concerns that anyone has for me.
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Tue, 30 Mar 2010
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Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Winding Up The Week
One of the reasons I dug deep into obsession this week was because an agency in Boston, MA was looking and tweeting about obsession in online social settings. The agency people took some time to look at my blog and I got to thinking that I could definitely find plenty to write about and dig a little deeper when it came to obsession this week - and I was right. I did a lot of research and I feel pretty pleased overall with the resulting blog posts. Let's hope Boston felt it was helpful too! :)
In order to finish out the week, I took some notes in Sunday School this morning that I felt like I would share. If the religious stuff annoys or bothers you, you may just want to skip the rest of this post.
Still with me? Okay, you have been warned!
With holy week being this week, my Pastor has been talking alot about where we "live" in regards to the Resurrection. He talked last week about Palm Sunday (today) when people waved palm branches to welcome Jesus. Then he discussed where we as human beings live emotionally in our minds and hearts. Most everyone, he said, lives in pre-resurrection. That means that as Christians, we tend to have no trouble believing the fact that Jesus lived and that he was mistreated and eventually crucified. He said most people are perfectly willing to believe that Jesus had a difficult time and was ridiculed because we ourselves can readily recall difficult times we have had in our lives and times when people treated us with less than respectful attitudes. Pastor said that fewer people live post-resurrection - he actually brought up elderly people and young children with very serious illnesses as those he has known in HIS life who he could easily say were living post-resurrection. Those people believed clearly that Jesus had risen and that through his death and resurrection is where you find the true hope in life. Something, he argued, that most of us have trouble with - the whole idea that Jesus could be raised from the dead.
In Sunday School today, we talked about "the third day" - the day Jesus rose. Someone spoke up today and mentioned a time she was walking through a cemetery with a friend and the friend had lost her only child - a nine year old boy - to drowning. The friend spoke up when all was quiet between the two ladies and said "I am so angry at God!" and the woman from Sunday School said in response "well, at least you believe He is there..." Pastor smiled gently in response to her story and said "It's so good to know that God is big enough to take anyone's anger - like a parent can take a child's anger." Then he said "Sometimes we look in dead places (like cemeteries) for explanations of life."
In church today, I met Earl. Earl is a elderly guy, big in stature and with watery dark eyes magnified by thick coke-bottle glasses. His head is almost bald, with scabs and a rash from what looks to be a skin condition and he had flecks of his scalp on his shoulders. He can't speak much and he's confined to a motorized scooter. I watched as people lined up to wish him good morning and to shake his hand or pat him on the back during the greeting time. E. was helping with communion this morning (I was *SO* proud) and I had to pass by Earl on the way up there. I saw as those in front of me would give him a little pat on the shoulder and he was sticking his hand out ready for any kind of human touch and interaction. How many more Earl's are there in the world that we choose to walk past every day - averting our eyes and quickening our steps? When it was my turn to walk on past him or slow my walk briefly and pat him on the back, I stopped completely and cradled his shoulder with one hand and with the other, took his hand and squeezed it gently. He was so grateful for another person's touch - for some sort of tangible proof that he was still alive and people still cared about him. So this blog post is dedicated to Earl - who, I believe, is definitely living post-resurrection. Thank you for humbling me today, Earl - and for reminding me to look in a place of life for explanations of life.
I believe that God loves all of us. I believe that churches place too much emphasis on sinning and on who is doing what against the church's guidelines or against each other. If more time was spent encouraging people to care more about one another and to show concern for everyone in all situations and places in their lives, people would have more respect for religion in general. I don't believe that homosexuality is a sin or that democrats are evil or that people who do terrible things in the name of God are right in any way for blaming their evil ways on something holy. I also don't believe in forcing what I believe on other people - but I felt like sharing this in light of the Easter season. It IS holy week - and in my world, that's a pretty big thing.
I have included a link to the video "He Is Alive". This is a song by Don Fransisco and has been one of my favorite Easter songs since I was 13 years old. I was so impressed someone put it on YouTube with a fantastic series of still photographs. I hope you enjoy it too - if you are interested in watching it.
He Is Alive
And, Dolly Parton does a killer job singing the same song here.
In order to finish out the week, I took some notes in Sunday School this morning that I felt like I would share. If the religious stuff annoys or bothers you, you may just want to skip the rest of this post.
Still with me? Okay, you have been warned!
With holy week being this week, my Pastor has been talking alot about where we "live" in regards to the Resurrection. He talked last week about Palm Sunday (today) when people waved palm branches to welcome Jesus. Then he discussed where we as human beings live emotionally in our minds and hearts. Most everyone, he said, lives in pre-resurrection. That means that as Christians, we tend to have no trouble believing the fact that Jesus lived and that he was mistreated and eventually crucified. He said most people are perfectly willing to believe that Jesus had a difficult time and was ridiculed because we ourselves can readily recall difficult times we have had in our lives and times when people treated us with less than respectful attitudes. Pastor said that fewer people live post-resurrection - he actually brought up elderly people and young children with very serious illnesses as those he has known in HIS life who he could easily say were living post-resurrection. Those people believed clearly that Jesus had risen and that through his death and resurrection is where you find the true hope in life. Something, he argued, that most of us have trouble with - the whole idea that Jesus could be raised from the dead.
In Sunday School today, we talked about "the third day" - the day Jesus rose. Someone spoke up today and mentioned a time she was walking through a cemetery with a friend and the friend had lost her only child - a nine year old boy - to drowning. The friend spoke up when all was quiet between the two ladies and said "I am so angry at God!" and the woman from Sunday School said in response "well, at least you believe He is there..." Pastor smiled gently in response to her story and said "It's so good to know that God is big enough to take anyone's anger - like a parent can take a child's anger." Then he said "Sometimes we look in dead places (like cemeteries) for explanations of life."
In church today, I met Earl. Earl is a elderly guy, big in stature and with watery dark eyes magnified by thick coke-bottle glasses. His head is almost bald, with scabs and a rash from what looks to be a skin condition and he had flecks of his scalp on his shoulders. He can't speak much and he's confined to a motorized scooter. I watched as people lined up to wish him good morning and to shake his hand or pat him on the back during the greeting time. E. was helping with communion this morning (I was *SO* proud) and I had to pass by Earl on the way up there. I saw as those in front of me would give him a little pat on the shoulder and he was sticking his hand out ready for any kind of human touch and interaction. How many more Earl's are there in the world that we choose to walk past every day - averting our eyes and quickening our steps? When it was my turn to walk on past him or slow my walk briefly and pat him on the back, I stopped completely and cradled his shoulder with one hand and with the other, took his hand and squeezed it gently. He was so grateful for another person's touch - for some sort of tangible proof that he was still alive and people still cared about him. So this blog post is dedicated to Earl - who, I believe, is definitely living post-resurrection. Thank you for humbling me today, Earl - and for reminding me to look in a place of life for explanations of life.
I believe that God loves all of us. I believe that churches place too much emphasis on sinning and on who is doing what against the church's guidelines or against each other. If more time was spent encouraging people to care more about one another and to show concern for everyone in all situations and places in their lives, people would have more respect for religion in general. I don't believe that homosexuality is a sin or that democrats are evil or that people who do terrible things in the name of God are right in any way for blaming their evil ways on something holy. I also don't believe in forcing what I believe on other people - but I felt like sharing this in light of the Easter season. It IS holy week - and in my world, that's a pretty big thing.
I have included a link to the video "He Is Alive". This is a song by Don Fransisco and has been one of my favorite Easter songs since I was 13 years old. I was so impressed someone put it on YouTube with a fantastic series of still photographs. I hope you enjoy it too - if you are interested in watching it.
He Is Alive
And, Dolly Parton does a killer job singing the same song here.
Finding a Balance between Healthy Behaviors and Attitudes
"I can quit anytime"
I know I said that to myself over and over. Every time I logged on and looked around at the chores still waiting to be done, and every time I was missing another thing in real life that I was purposely not going to do because I was logging on instead. I repeated to myself that THIS (SL) is where I really wanted to be, THIS (SL) was where I was appreciated, needed. But no...that was not a correct assertion. Because each time I chose SL over RL, I sacrificed just a little more of my sanity. Just a little more of my time, just a little more of my energy, just a little more of my effort - for what? FOR NOTHING. I have only lost...not gained, well, unless you count pain and hurt - I gained plenty of that.
Well, no...you know, now that I think about it, that's actually not completely true. That's a frustrated-at-myself Stephanie talking. Positive-outlook Stephanie says that I DID gain a few things. I gained perspective. I gained friendship. I gained respect in some people's eyes. I gained control over my behavior and pride in myself again. I gained contentment with my life and what I have. I gained experience in human nature and learned that not everyone on this earth is here for the same reasons I am - and not everyone is who they say they are.
Personally, I found a healthy balance in my SL behaviors and attitudes by taking that first week off over a month ago - cold turkey. Very quickly after removing myself from SL I started communicating with people who brought me back to reality faster than a bucket of cold water could be poured onto my head. That first week was so hard. OMG so difficult. You know though, so early on I was feeling absolutely positive about my departure. I started feeling better almost immediately. And what I have gained by leaving is the knowledge that I don't need a virtual world in order to cope with my real world. Things that I felt were "better" in SL were NOT better. You can't even begin to compare virtual ANYTHING with real anything. There is NO comparison to a beautiful day...the wind in your face and a blanket on the grass with a spectacular picnic lunch. There is no comparison between a virtual hug and feeling someones flesh-and-bone arms encircle you and hold you. There is no comparison for a real conversation occurring between two people, heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul. Tears are shed and feelings are exchanged. You cannot compare that. You just can't.
I found the things in RL I loved and did them again. I took deep breaths and smiled and unplugged and recharged and in the mix, I somehow managed to get to a point where now SL is just a creative way to spend a few spare minutes I might have. I still miss my friends there, but I catch up with them by telephone or when I log in I chat with them or leave a note for them to read when they next log on. I don't let SL drama bother me or affect me - and I have pushed the pain out. Some days I still hurt. I have to believe that's normal. But you can't begin to heal until you face the hurt head-on.
If you're still struggling with obsession in Second Life and you're looking for help, I have listed resources and included blog entries but there is absolutely no substitute for telling the people around you that love you that you need help. Be honest with them and most of all, be honest with yourself. I'm not a specialist. I am not a counselor. I don't even know what right I have to write about all of this - other than the fact that experience is the best lesson I guess. But for those of you who come back and read this blog every day and have shared your own personal stories of leaving or not caring as much about SL anymore with me privately...we can do great things when we band together and make a unanimous choice to make ourselves better.
I owe several people this song as a dedication (not to mention a Higher Power who I went to in prayer day after day, looking for peace). Every friend I ignored in RL or put off for another day rather than getting together with them and being close. My little girl - for every time I said "no" or "maybe later" to her when she wanted to play with me and I should have said "yes". For every time I ignored what J. said to me or asked of me in favor of blowing him off and doing what I wanted to do - no matter where we are in our relationship, I owed you more than that. For my newest friend from halfway across the world who bent over backwards and wrote books for emails telling me that I could overcome my experiences in SL and listing more reasons than I ever imagined I could have. For people who came back in-world to help pull me up and out. For people who stopped everything to pray FOR me and WITH me - in RL and SL. For ALL of you - I am still talking out my feelings and discovering why I went there in the first place. Still finding out which parts of me needed that self-actualization, that feeling of being around people who were like-minded and finding ways to feed all of that in real life instead. I am still on a journey of learning, of discovering and of realizing things about myself every day. All of you together who have been there for me - you are the reason I am still here. You are the reason I love myself now more than before. You are the reason I found the strength to change things about myself that I was very unhappy with. Thank you all so so much. I love each one of you.
I know I said that to myself over and over. Every time I logged on and looked around at the chores still waiting to be done, and every time I was missing another thing in real life that I was purposely not going to do because I was logging on instead. I repeated to myself that THIS (SL) is where I really wanted to be, THIS (SL) was where I was appreciated, needed. But no...that was not a correct assertion. Because each time I chose SL over RL, I sacrificed just a little more of my sanity. Just a little more of my time, just a little more of my energy, just a little more of my effort - for what? FOR NOTHING. I have only lost...not gained, well, unless you count pain and hurt - I gained plenty of that.
Well, no...you know, now that I think about it, that's actually not completely true. That's a frustrated-at-myself Stephanie talking. Positive-outlook Stephanie says that I DID gain a few things. I gained perspective. I gained friendship. I gained respect in some people's eyes. I gained control over my behavior and pride in myself again. I gained contentment with my life and what I have. I gained experience in human nature and learned that not everyone on this earth is here for the same reasons I am - and not everyone is who they say they are.
Personally, I found a healthy balance in my SL behaviors and attitudes by taking that first week off over a month ago - cold turkey. Very quickly after removing myself from SL I started communicating with people who brought me back to reality faster than a bucket of cold water could be poured onto my head. That first week was so hard. OMG so difficult. You know though, so early on I was feeling absolutely positive about my departure. I started feeling better almost immediately. And what I have gained by leaving is the knowledge that I don't need a virtual world in order to cope with my real world. Things that I felt were "better" in SL were NOT better. You can't even begin to compare virtual ANYTHING with real anything. There is NO comparison to a beautiful day...the wind in your face and a blanket on the grass with a spectacular picnic lunch. There is no comparison between a virtual hug and feeling someones flesh-and-bone arms encircle you and hold you. There is no comparison for a real conversation occurring between two people, heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul. Tears are shed and feelings are exchanged. You cannot compare that. You just can't.
I found the things in RL I loved and did them again. I took deep breaths and smiled and unplugged and recharged and in the mix, I somehow managed to get to a point where now SL is just a creative way to spend a few spare minutes I might have. I still miss my friends there, but I catch up with them by telephone or when I log in I chat with them or leave a note for them to read when they next log on. I don't let SL drama bother me or affect me - and I have pushed the pain out. Some days I still hurt. I have to believe that's normal. But you can't begin to heal until you face the hurt head-on.
If you're still struggling with obsession in Second Life and you're looking for help, I have listed resources and included blog entries but there is absolutely no substitute for telling the people around you that love you that you need help. Be honest with them and most of all, be honest with yourself. I'm not a specialist. I am not a counselor. I don't even know what right I have to write about all of this - other than the fact that experience is the best lesson I guess. But for those of you who come back and read this blog every day and have shared your own personal stories of leaving or not caring as much about SL anymore with me privately...we can do great things when we band together and make a unanimous choice to make ourselves better.
I owe several people this song as a dedication (not to mention a Higher Power who I went to in prayer day after day, looking for peace). Every friend I ignored in RL or put off for another day rather than getting together with them and being close. My little girl - for every time I said "no" or "maybe later" to her when she wanted to play with me and I should have said "yes". For every time I ignored what J. said to me or asked of me in favor of blowing him off and doing what I wanted to do - no matter where we are in our relationship, I owed you more than that. For my newest friend from halfway across the world who bent over backwards and wrote books for emails telling me that I could overcome my experiences in SL and listing more reasons than I ever imagined I could have. For people who came back in-world to help pull me up and out. For people who stopped everything to pray FOR me and WITH me - in RL and SL. For ALL of you - I am still talking out my feelings and discovering why I went there in the first place. Still finding out which parts of me needed that self-actualization, that feeling of being around people who were like-minded and finding ways to feed all of that in real life instead. I am still on a journey of learning, of discovering and of realizing things about myself every day. All of you together who have been there for me - you are the reason I am still here. You are the reason I love myself now more than before. You are the reason I found the strength to change things about myself that I was very unhappy with. Thank you all so so much. I love each one of you.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Overcoming Obsession with Things in Second Life
I don't think there is a single person who creates their first avatar and DOESN'T go Free-Shopping crazy. :) It's just what we do. We check in, we get our first shapes and bodies and clothes and we think we are SOOOOO great looking! Heels, gowns, pants, shirts, vehicles, furniture, games, dresses, jeans...omg the list is ENDLESS. At first, we think so highly of all of these freebies and we can't wait to go shopping for more. As we spend more time in SL, we find these free things are pretty lame compared to the stuff you can get that's better made, better designed, better looking in general. There's where the obsession over THINGS can come in.
I personally have an affinity for lovely things. I would like nothing more to live in a brick cottage by the ocean - you know, one of those Tudor style buildings, and fill it with polished tables and the kind of couches and chairs you sink into. I would like a piano of course (even though I can barely bang out Heart and Soul) and I would like incredibly breathtaking rugs and silver bowls filled with fresh flowers. Everything would look like it came out of a magazine and everything would smell like a combination of lemon wood polish, freshly mown grass, old (but not musty) wood and slight undertones of sweet-smelling pipe tobacco. :) Instead, my house in RL usually smells like dog and a faint odor of whatever meal I last cooked. Oh, and probably some faint undertones of coffee.
One of the things I enjoy doing in SL is decorating...making things look pretty gives me a certain kind of peace and comfort. I enjoy it because it becomes an escape. I can leave the dirty dishes behind and look at flowing curtains (which I love) instead of mini-blinds (which I don't really care for). I can look at white poofy couches that never get dirty from puppy paws and crayons or markers rather than my own mossy-shaded couch with the constantly spinning wooden foot that has the screw threads broken on it. A week ago when I was baking all those muffins for E.'s school, I stayed up until O-Dark-Thirty and I was on SL just putting things inside little spaces in my dining room - on my china hutch and in my large bookcase. Little framed pictures of friends, a silver bowl, vases, crystal... all just prim wasters in some people's minds - but for me, each piece I put down made me smile. No one tells me how I can and can't decorate in SL. No one says "no open blinds, no plants, no candles, no breakables" and so I just go nuts - adding more and more things that I love. And then I look at it and I smile. I don't feel as if I have accomplished anything significant other than making a little space in my life look a little more beautiful. But in a way, that's enough.
At one point in SL, I was pretty obsessed with things. Hair - omg, I could go on and on about the hair. I couldn't stop shopping for hair! As much as I liked making my surroundings look good, Crystallyn was the biggest part of my surroundings - so she had to ALWAYS look impeccable...and hair is a big part of that. Damselfly, Tiny Bird, Magika, TRUTH, every type of hair designer - I would look at "hair fairs" and swap good hair Landmarks with friends. The nice thing about hair is that it's almost always CHEAP. Even the best quality hair at Damselfly can be bought for only 250L. Then there was skin...I didn't change my skin very often - until recently when I made a new friend (a shape designer) who taught me all about body shapes and skins. We would spend time going shopping for killer-sale skins. It was great...being able to change your appearance with a single click...tanned skin or skin as white as ivory - whichever type you felt like wearing. I was never one to change my body style very often. I think I have only had two or three my entire time in SL. I liked how my shape looked from the start. AND, besides that, I was a little afraid of getting in too deep with the skin/body thing because of something that happened to me early-on in my SL experience.
I think it was maybe my fourth month in and I was getting ready to go out to a club event with a couple of my closest friends. I was getting rapid-fire notices from the club that the theme was "Hot or Not" that night. I decided I would go dressed as "not" - and I figured I would dig deep into my freebie selection to accomplish that. I decided I would try some sort of masculine nerd look. I started going through all my folders and found one called "Paul" - at four months into SL, I knew just enough about it to be dangerous and not enough to take the precautions in advance to make sure if I ever lost my skin or shape by accident, I could find them again. Well, sometimes icons in folders look like one thing when they are actually another. This was something I wasn't really clear on yet. I went into that Paul folder and clicked on striped pants. OMG, they were hideous. I grabbed the shirt to go with them. Then I took off my hair (I was planning to go bald) and I clicked on something that just said "Paul" and HOLY COW...my entire shape and skin changed! Gone was pretty Crystallyn and in her place stood a HUGE AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN WITH A 'FRO. I almost cried I was so shocked, but I decided to laugh at myself instead. What else can you do when something like that happens? I gave myself a last-once-over and teleported to the club where my friends were already dancing. We all laughed until we almost wet our pants. It was just hysterical. I started talking like some of the men that run around in SL with amorous intentions but who have a bit of a language barrier when it comes to speaking English. These were the kinds of guys I ran into early-on in my Second Life experience, generally in noob areas. They would say things like "Hey pretty girl, you are fine, yes?" and "You want my body, yes?" Well, I imitated them and everyone in the club who had experiences with these types of guys themselves just erupted into laughter and even the host and DJ were cracking up. It was one of the funniest experiences I had in SL and it was a total accident - then I looked at the clock and realized I was about 10 minutes from having a meeting with some very serious friends who wanted to discuss organizing some events in the sim I lived in. OMG. Fear and panic struck me. I had NO IDEA how to get back to looking like Crystallyn. I don't think I ever got back to looking JUST like I did before that day...but eventually I looked even better...so I guess in the long run, it was a lesson - and a funny one at that!
I did have a problem with obsessing over hearing back from builders or creators when I bought something that I was not pleased with. If it broke or looked funky or I accidentally lost it, I would wait and wait and wait and tap my little virtual foot (and sometimes my real foot) - waiting to hear back and get my repaired/recreated item. Several times I commissioned items to be made just by my specifications. Nothing too earth-shattering, a couple of wardrobes/closets, a swing,a couch...and a house once. I just know what I like and I want what I like - and SL offers that to people. But there were times I felt I was going overboard. Once I saw something, I had to have it. For me, it might have been hair or a Dinner Party Kitchen. For others, it can be more dark and frightening items. There are things you can buy in SL that would curl your hair...and then straighten it back.
Obsession with things just basically extends the time you spend in SL. You spend more and more time there because you don't realize that you will never buy enough things to have everything just perfect. There are always new things and new looks, new hair and new kitchens. You have to walk away to realize that spending real money on things that don't exist seems just a little silly. Of course, it leaks out to other places now. The Virtual Goods market is exploding in places like Facebook now where people spend REAL money on crops and buildings for their farm in Farmville or super-cute clothes for their animals in Petville.
Thankfully, I have been able to easily say NO to buying virtual items anywhere except SL. But I have several good friends who have farms on Facebook that they are absolutely proud of that may have cost them somewhere on the order of $30 USD or even more. It's absolutely their right and their choice to do it, and if you think about it, $30 over an extended period of time wouldn't amount to much more than a coffee drink at Starbucks a few times over. If they want to skip having a cup of coffee and build a chicken coop, GO TO IT! It only becomes a problem when obsession rears its ugly head. Just don't think you can make obsession look better by adding some Damselfly hair and Pretty Feet heels to it. It just doesn't work that way.
I am a huge Weird Al fan. I admit it. I am reminded of this song - very Real Life though, and not so Second Life. In Second Life, you CAN have whatever you want. In Real Life you have to be a bit more realistic. You can always count on Al to give us realistic when we need it.
I personally have an affinity for lovely things. I would like nothing more to live in a brick cottage by the ocean - you know, one of those Tudor style buildings, and fill it with polished tables and the kind of couches and chairs you sink into. I would like a piano of course (even though I can barely bang out Heart and Soul) and I would like incredibly breathtaking rugs and silver bowls filled with fresh flowers. Everything would look like it came out of a magazine and everything would smell like a combination of lemon wood polish, freshly mown grass, old (but not musty) wood and slight undertones of sweet-smelling pipe tobacco. :) Instead, my house in RL usually smells like dog and a faint odor of whatever meal I last cooked. Oh, and probably some faint undertones of coffee.
One of the things I enjoy doing in SL is decorating...making things look pretty gives me a certain kind of peace and comfort. I enjoy it because it becomes an escape. I can leave the dirty dishes behind and look at flowing curtains (which I love) instead of mini-blinds (which I don't really care for). I can look at white poofy couches that never get dirty from puppy paws and crayons or markers rather than my own mossy-shaded couch with the constantly spinning wooden foot that has the screw threads broken on it. A week ago when I was baking all those muffins for E.'s school, I stayed up until O-Dark-Thirty and I was on SL just putting things inside little spaces in my dining room - on my china hutch and in my large bookcase. Little framed pictures of friends, a silver bowl, vases, crystal... all just prim wasters in some people's minds - but for me, each piece I put down made me smile. No one tells me how I can and can't decorate in SL. No one says "no open blinds, no plants, no candles, no breakables" and so I just go nuts - adding more and more things that I love. And then I look at it and I smile. I don't feel as if I have accomplished anything significant other than making a little space in my life look a little more beautiful. But in a way, that's enough.
At one point in SL, I was pretty obsessed with things. Hair - omg, I could go on and on about the hair. I couldn't stop shopping for hair! As much as I liked making my surroundings look good, Crystallyn was the biggest part of my surroundings - so she had to ALWAYS look impeccable...and hair is a big part of that. Damselfly, Tiny Bird, Magika, TRUTH, every type of hair designer - I would look at "hair fairs" and swap good hair Landmarks with friends. The nice thing about hair is that it's almost always CHEAP. Even the best quality hair at Damselfly can be bought for only 250L. Then there was skin...I didn't change my skin very often - until recently when I made a new friend (a shape designer) who taught me all about body shapes and skins. We would spend time going shopping for killer-sale skins. It was great...being able to change your appearance with a single click...tanned skin or skin as white as ivory - whichever type you felt like wearing. I was never one to change my body style very often. I think I have only had two or three my entire time in SL. I liked how my shape looked from the start. AND, besides that, I was a little afraid of getting in too deep with the skin/body thing because of something that happened to me early-on in my SL experience.
I think it was maybe my fourth month in and I was getting ready to go out to a club event with a couple of my closest friends. I was getting rapid-fire notices from the club that the theme was "Hot or Not" that night. I decided I would go dressed as "not" - and I figured I would dig deep into my freebie selection to accomplish that. I decided I would try some sort of masculine nerd look. I started going through all my folders and found one called "Paul" - at four months into SL, I knew just enough about it to be dangerous and not enough to take the precautions in advance to make sure if I ever lost my skin or shape by accident, I could find them again. Well, sometimes icons in folders look like one thing when they are actually another. This was something I wasn't really clear on yet. I went into that Paul folder and clicked on striped pants. OMG, they were hideous. I grabbed the shirt to go with them. Then I took off my hair (I was planning to go bald) and I clicked on something that just said "Paul" and HOLY COW...my entire shape and skin changed! Gone was pretty Crystallyn and in her place stood a HUGE AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN WITH A 'FRO. I almost cried I was so shocked, but I decided to laugh at myself instead. What else can you do when something like that happens? I gave myself a last-once-over and teleported to the club where my friends were already dancing. We all laughed until we almost wet our pants. It was just hysterical. I started talking like some of the men that run around in SL with amorous intentions but who have a bit of a language barrier when it comes to speaking English. These were the kinds of guys I ran into early-on in my Second Life experience, generally in noob areas. They would say things like "Hey pretty girl, you are fine, yes?" and "You want my body, yes?" Well, I imitated them and everyone in the club who had experiences with these types of guys themselves just erupted into laughter and even the host and DJ were cracking up. It was one of the funniest experiences I had in SL and it was a total accident - then I looked at the clock and realized I was about 10 minutes from having a meeting with some very serious friends who wanted to discuss organizing some events in the sim I lived in. OMG. Fear and panic struck me. I had NO IDEA how to get back to looking like Crystallyn. I don't think I ever got back to looking JUST like I did before that day...but eventually I looked even better...so I guess in the long run, it was a lesson - and a funny one at that!
I did have a problem with obsessing over hearing back from builders or creators when I bought something that I was not pleased with. If it broke or looked funky or I accidentally lost it, I would wait and wait and wait and tap my little virtual foot (and sometimes my real foot) - waiting to hear back and get my repaired/recreated item. Several times I commissioned items to be made just by my specifications. Nothing too earth-shattering, a couple of wardrobes/closets, a swing,a couch...and a house once. I just know what I like and I want what I like - and SL offers that to people. But there were times I felt I was going overboard. Once I saw something, I had to have it. For me, it might have been hair or a Dinner Party Kitchen. For others, it can be more dark and frightening items. There are things you can buy in SL that would curl your hair...and then straighten it back.
Obsession with things just basically extends the time you spend in SL. You spend more and more time there because you don't realize that you will never buy enough things to have everything just perfect. There are always new things and new looks, new hair and new kitchens. You have to walk away to realize that spending real money on things that don't exist seems just a little silly. Of course, it leaks out to other places now. The Virtual Goods market is exploding in places like Facebook now where people spend REAL money on crops and buildings for their farm in Farmville or super-cute clothes for their animals in Petville.
Thankfully, I have been able to easily say NO to buying virtual items anywhere except SL. But I have several good friends who have farms on Facebook that they are absolutely proud of that may have cost them somewhere on the order of $30 USD or even more. It's absolutely their right and their choice to do it, and if you think about it, $30 over an extended period of time wouldn't amount to much more than a coffee drink at Starbucks a few times over. If they want to skip having a cup of coffee and build a chicken coop, GO TO IT! It only becomes a problem when obsession rears its ugly head. Just don't think you can make obsession look better by adding some Damselfly hair and Pretty Feet heels to it. It just doesn't work that way.
I am a huge Weird Al fan. I admit it. I am reminded of this song - very Real Life though, and not so Second Life. In Second Life, you CAN have whatever you want. In Real Life you have to be a bit more realistic. You can always count on Al to give us realistic when we need it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Overcoming Obsession in Relationships in Second Life
Relationships in Second Life are a slippery slope.
First, let me clarify that when I use the word "Relationships", I am referring to any type of relationship. This could be a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker (in-world), a stranger, a partner or a lover. Or in the case of Second Life, where one person can actually be ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Relationships in SL are vibrant and violent, varied and volatile...and the entire spectrum in between those descriptive V-words. You can meet people that become best friends for life and you can meet people who can become your worst nightmare. Having a relationship (romantic or platonic) with someone in Second Life gets very tricky because it almost always ends up getting intensely personal. You may try and keep it "SL Only" but when you share triumphs and tragedies with the people behind the avatar pixels (daily, in many cases), you learn so much about the other person that you are connecting with because you start out your communications with them on a mind-to-mind level, rather than putting any social or physical variables into play. Many times you tell people more about your day, more about your problems, more about your worries, more about your inner-most thoughts and more about your heartaches than you would even tell your best friend or spouse in Real Life. Based on this information, you can see how obsession in relationships in SL would be quite common. It can even turn into a very serious issue for some people...obsessing over where people are and what people are doing when you're not around. That's where trust comes in. In Second Life, if you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship.
Rather than being honest with someone and tell them how you actually feel about them, some people pretend to log off to avoid talking to someone when they are actually still online...and it says right on their profile "online" - this only causes heartaches for the "other person" who really feels very rejected (obviously) when something like this occurs. Back when I was an avid profile-reader (I gave up profile reading a month ago when I first decided to leave SL - I felt it was just making things harder for me personally because I was looking at them obsessively - and my sole reason for making a break from SL was to get healthy - I don't ever want to fall into obsessive or addictive patterns again), I saw profiles with statements like "just tell me if you aren't interested in talking to me, I'm not dumb - I know whether you're online or not". A full measure of honesty from each person in the relationship PLUS a serious willingness to be upfront with people is definitely necessary in SL. People can't gauge your emotions through an avatar. Words you type have NO inflection. If you are trying to get a point across to someone in conversation you need to remember that they can't tell if you're serious or joking. Things you say can be misconstrued, mistyped or misunderstood.
I have been looking into obsession in relationships lately - especially since taking a break from SL - because I felt that there was a direct correlation between the addiction and obsession. Obsession in relationships in RL and SL can be very ugly and painful for everyone involved, and it has a ripple-effect. Essentially making a lot of people experience hurt and pain. If you have a situation where you have been involved in a situation like this, you can understand this clearly. If not, count yourself lucky.
I discovered this incredible web page with information about an Obsessive Love Wheel. The different levels of obsession here don't have to apply to just love interests though, they could apply to friends or working partners too. According to the page (which is chock-full of great information), there are four phases of Obsessive Love. These are: Attraction, Anxious, Obsessive and Destructive. I decided to put one example of each below. Please visit the page for even more information.
Attraction Phase: unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with someone, assigning "magical" qualities to them (this is very easy to do in SL where almost everyone has a magical quality of "perfectness" assigned to them physically by Linden Labs when they first log in, unless they choose to reshape themselves to a different form.)
Anxious Phase: unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities (this could also apply to people who are builders or business owners and team up with another person in SL.)
Obsessive Phase: physical or electronic monitoring of someones activities (this is easy to achieve in SL - there are entire businesses based on monitoring or spying on others and this can include everything from tracking them as they go from sim to sim to even capturing their words in local chat and saving them somewhere - I know that the latter is a violation of privacy in SL, but that doesn't stop people from doing it anyway.)
Destructive Phase: extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred (another example of something that can apply to any type of relationship in SL.)
I also read this fantastic blog post about addictive and obsessive behaviors when related to meeting and establishing relationships with others in MMORPG's. I thought it was particularly intriguing when I read her take on psychology and gaming with regards to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. We all have emotional needs that we want filled. If those aren't being filled in our every day lives, it just stands to reason that we would search for those needs to be satisfied any way we can. INTERPERSONAL ACCEPTANCE...we instinctively desire to be near those who understand us. It is absolutely human nature to seek out people who give us comfort and who understand why we feel certain things. Again, this is where honesty and trust mean so much. As I mentioned in an earlier post, people pretend to be all sorts of things in SL. You take a risk anytime you loan a piece of you out to someone else in either life, but I would argue that the hurt that can be caused between two individuals who are so close on a mind-to-mind level can be far more damaging psychologically.
My opinion is that when a relationship is obviously obsessive and becomes detrimental to others involved - either those directly or indirectly effected, it should either end completely or be repaired to a point where everyone benefits again, provided they ever did at any point. In cases where it's not possible, you have to take a step back, have faith that things will be okay and move on down the next path in your life. Have faith in your friends who continue to stand behind you and beside you. Have faith in whatever makes you feel positive and strong. Most of all, have faith in YOURSELF.
For some reason, this song has been stuck in my head since I started considering which song to end my blog post with. It's a beautiful song.
First, let me clarify that when I use the word "Relationships", I am referring to any type of relationship. This could be a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker (in-world), a stranger, a partner or a lover. Or in the case of Second Life, where one person can actually be ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Relationships in SL are vibrant and violent, varied and volatile...and the entire spectrum in between those descriptive V-words. You can meet people that become best friends for life and you can meet people who can become your worst nightmare. Having a relationship (romantic or platonic) with someone in Second Life gets very tricky because it almost always ends up getting intensely personal. You may try and keep it "SL Only" but when you share triumphs and tragedies with the people behind the avatar pixels (daily, in many cases), you learn so much about the other person that you are connecting with because you start out your communications with them on a mind-to-mind level, rather than putting any social or physical variables into play. Many times you tell people more about your day, more about your problems, more about your worries, more about your inner-most thoughts and more about your heartaches than you would even tell your best friend or spouse in Real Life. Based on this information, you can see how obsession in relationships in SL would be quite common. It can even turn into a very serious issue for some people...obsessing over where people are and what people are doing when you're not around. That's where trust comes in. In Second Life, if you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship.
Rather than being honest with someone and tell them how you actually feel about them, some people pretend to log off to avoid talking to someone when they are actually still online...and it says right on their profile "online" - this only causes heartaches for the "other person" who really feels very rejected (obviously) when something like this occurs. Back when I was an avid profile-reader (I gave up profile reading a month ago when I first decided to leave SL - I felt it was just making things harder for me personally because I was looking at them obsessively - and my sole reason for making a break from SL was to get healthy - I don't ever want to fall into obsessive or addictive patterns again), I saw profiles with statements like "just tell me if you aren't interested in talking to me, I'm not dumb - I know whether you're online or not". A full measure of honesty from each person in the relationship PLUS a serious willingness to be upfront with people is definitely necessary in SL. People can't gauge your emotions through an avatar. Words you type have NO inflection. If you are trying to get a point across to someone in conversation you need to remember that they can't tell if you're serious or joking. Things you say can be misconstrued, mistyped or misunderstood.
I have been looking into obsession in relationships lately - especially since taking a break from SL - because I felt that there was a direct correlation between the addiction and obsession. Obsession in relationships in RL and SL can be very ugly and painful for everyone involved, and it has a ripple-effect. Essentially making a lot of people experience hurt and pain. If you have a situation where you have been involved in a situation like this, you can understand this clearly. If not, count yourself lucky.
I discovered this incredible web page with information about an Obsessive Love Wheel. The different levels of obsession here don't have to apply to just love interests though, they could apply to friends or working partners too. According to the page (which is chock-full of great information), there are four phases of Obsessive Love. These are: Attraction, Anxious, Obsessive and Destructive. I decided to put one example of each below. Please visit the page for even more information.
Attraction Phase: unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with someone, assigning "magical" qualities to them (this is very easy to do in SL where almost everyone has a magical quality of "perfectness" assigned to them physically by Linden Labs when they first log in, unless they choose to reshape themselves to a different form.)
Anxious Phase: unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities (this could also apply to people who are builders or business owners and team up with another person in SL.)
Obsessive Phase: physical or electronic monitoring of someones activities (this is easy to achieve in SL - there are entire businesses based on monitoring or spying on others and this can include everything from tracking them as they go from sim to sim to even capturing their words in local chat and saving them somewhere - I know that the latter is a violation of privacy in SL, but that doesn't stop people from doing it anyway.)
Destructive Phase: extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred (another example of something that can apply to any type of relationship in SL.)
I also read this fantastic blog post about addictive and obsessive behaviors when related to meeting and establishing relationships with others in MMORPG's. I thought it was particularly intriguing when I read her take on psychology and gaming with regards to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. We all have emotional needs that we want filled. If those aren't being filled in our every day lives, it just stands to reason that we would search for those needs to be satisfied any way we can. INTERPERSONAL ACCEPTANCE...we instinctively desire to be near those who understand us. It is absolutely human nature to seek out people who give us comfort and who understand why we feel certain things. Again, this is where honesty and trust mean so much. As I mentioned in an earlier post, people pretend to be all sorts of things in SL. You take a risk anytime you loan a piece of you out to someone else in either life, but I would argue that the hurt that can be caused between two individuals who are so close on a mind-to-mind level can be far more damaging psychologically.
My opinion is that when a relationship is obviously obsessive and becomes detrimental to others involved - either those directly or indirectly effected, it should either end completely or be repaired to a point where everyone benefits again, provided they ever did at any point. In cases where it's not possible, you have to take a step back, have faith that things will be okay and move on down the next path in your life. Have faith in your friends who continue to stand behind you and beside you. Have faith in whatever makes you feel positive and strong. Most of all, have faith in YOURSELF.
For some reason, this song has been stuck in my head since I started considering which song to end my blog post with. It's a beautiful song.
Taking a break from obsession for a day...
...because it's my blog and I can. And because I needed to talk about blessings.
Today was "one of those days". Like everyone else, some days I fight pain and aches in my heart that really just makes me feel like I want to crawl into a ball inside myself and just cry. On days like these, I feel like I need my soul fed. I usually remember to count my blessings, but sometimes I forget how many I have.
Tonight, after an extremely busy day at work where I managed to miss taking a lunch break and pretty-much just work 9 hours straight, I realized it was Wednesday - and that means church night. So I wasn't able to just go home and relax - I kept my work clothes on and raced home prepared to turn right around and go. Instead, we were late for the soup supper because when I got home I lay down on the couch and cuddled with E. for a bit. She smoothed my hair and comforted me - patting my shoulder and saying "it'll be okay momma" and "poor momma". I have to admit, her sweet spirit and tender love for me caused me to get a little teary - and then Berg the dog sat next to us and he licked my face dry. It hasn't been easy for any of us lately with certain things in our lives - and E's been absolutely incredible. My struggles to carry shouldnt ever be HER struggles - she's far too young to take any of that on. But my strong, stable and thoughtful little girl continues to teach me lessons in caring for others and parenting upwards. Feeling cared for and at peace, I quickly passed out into a dead sleep. I don't even remember falling asleep - I just closed my eyes and I was out. I awoke a few minutes later and then fell back asleep again. A few minutes after that, I dragged myself up off the couch and we headed out the door to church. For just a moment I seriously considered not going. I prayed about it briefly and I felt strongly that I needed to go - as tired as I was, I needed my soul fed more than I needed rest.
We left the house at about 6:10 and the soup supper before Lenten service started at 6:15. By the time we made it to church, I was reminded of the parable of the loaves and fishes. There were a LOT of people and only three big crocks for holding soup. I walked over and there was just the tiniest bit of Chicken Noodle Soup leftover. I poured that into a bowl for E. and grabbed her a few of the cookies on the counter and one of the church members found a bag with some tortilla chips and I made her a little cup of lemonade with the tiny bit left in the bottom of the pitcher and mixed it with water. I wished so much that I could have made everything stretch a bit further, but we were so late that I had to wash a bowl in order to make sure she had something to eat. There was just nothing I could do. I toyed with getting up and leaving church with her right then to take us both out for something more substantial, but I remembered the prayer I made before leaving the house and I was there for one reason: for my soul to be fed.
A short time later after E. finished eating, we headed into the sanctuary. It's very relaxed on Wednesday nights and the choir was busy practicing for Easter services. E. went looking for a few friends to play with while I sat and listened and jotted down a few notes. I immediately felt emotional again - and wiped my eyes - making sure no one around me saw any signs of tears. I excused myself to the restroom to put some cold water on my face. I was so torn. I knew emotionally I could break down if someone so much as looked at me funny - or if the topic for the discussion tonight was something that hit too close to home. I don't LIKE going to church and being an emotional basket-case. I really just wanted to go to find some peace. For the third time, I questioned my motives for being there in the first place and had to remind myself why I was there.
As I sat back down, I looked at my handout and my eyes widened. I saw that the NOOMA video we would be watching and discussing today was "RICH". Oh boy. The reading BEFORE the video was about being richly blessed by God. Oh boy. I was feeling anything BUT richly blessed today. After the first song and the scripture reading, Pastor played the NOOMA video. All I can say is WOW. That Rob Bell guy who does these videos has a way of grabbing my attention from the moment the lights dim until he's done speaking. I am usually in a daze immediately afterwards too. It's absolutely astonishing the ability he has to make me stop everything and realize my own shortcomings and where I lack the ability to be grateful for everything. The video started running through the idea that we in America are the rich people that the Bible talks about.
"Command those who are rich not to put their hope in wealth, but to put our hope in God who richly provides us with everything". Immediately I was reminded when I most needed reminding. EVERYTHING I have is a gift. Regardless of what's going on in my life, I am STILL so richly blessed. And there it was. My soul felt fed. Peace was restored in my heart. God was there in the midst of everything and He continues to be there for me, always.
I drove to church in my car. That makes me richer than 92% of the world. I had clean drinking water this morning with my almonds and dried fruit. That makes me richer than somewhere around a billion people in the world. I took my salad ingredients to work and ate my lunch in between calls and meetings. That makes me richer than the 800 million who didn't even eat today -and a full 300 million of those 800 million are children.
Food? Gift. Clothes? Gift. Roof? Gift. That breath I just took? Gift.
I am so richly blessed, I just needed a reminder about that. I have been given gifts that so many around the world don't have. Nothing like an eye-opening realization that in spite of my struggles and my frustrations, I am still far more BLESSED than so many others on this earth.
This song has been running through my head this evening.
The Indigo Girls - Secure Yourself
One of the principles my Dad always talked about as I was growing up was God's directions to Abraham - YOU ARE BLESSED TO BE A BLESSING. I hope and pray that I was a blessing to someone else today and that I will be a blessing to someone else tomorrow. Here's hoping each and every one of you is a blessing to someone else, too. :)
Today was "one of those days". Like everyone else, some days I fight pain and aches in my heart that really just makes me feel like I want to crawl into a ball inside myself and just cry. On days like these, I feel like I need my soul fed. I usually remember to count my blessings, but sometimes I forget how many I have.
Tonight, after an extremely busy day at work where I managed to miss taking a lunch break and pretty-much just work 9 hours straight, I realized it was Wednesday - and that means church night. So I wasn't able to just go home and relax - I kept my work clothes on and raced home prepared to turn right around and go. Instead, we were late for the soup supper because when I got home I lay down on the couch and cuddled with E. for a bit. She smoothed my hair and comforted me - patting my shoulder and saying "it'll be okay momma" and "poor momma". I have to admit, her sweet spirit and tender love for me caused me to get a little teary - and then Berg the dog sat next to us and he licked my face dry. It hasn't been easy for any of us lately with certain things in our lives - and E's been absolutely incredible. My struggles to carry shouldnt ever be HER struggles - she's far too young to take any of that on. But my strong, stable and thoughtful little girl continues to teach me lessons in caring for others and parenting upwards. Feeling cared for and at peace, I quickly passed out into a dead sleep. I don't even remember falling asleep - I just closed my eyes and I was out. I awoke a few minutes later and then fell back asleep again. A few minutes after that, I dragged myself up off the couch and we headed out the door to church. For just a moment I seriously considered not going. I prayed about it briefly and I felt strongly that I needed to go - as tired as I was, I needed my soul fed more than I needed rest.
We left the house at about 6:10 and the soup supper before Lenten service started at 6:15. By the time we made it to church, I was reminded of the parable of the loaves and fishes. There were a LOT of people and only three big crocks for holding soup. I walked over and there was just the tiniest bit of Chicken Noodle Soup leftover. I poured that into a bowl for E. and grabbed her a few of the cookies on the counter and one of the church members found a bag with some tortilla chips and I made her a little cup of lemonade with the tiny bit left in the bottom of the pitcher and mixed it with water. I wished so much that I could have made everything stretch a bit further, but we were so late that I had to wash a bowl in order to make sure she had something to eat. There was just nothing I could do. I toyed with getting up and leaving church with her right then to take us both out for something more substantial, but I remembered the prayer I made before leaving the house and I was there for one reason: for my soul to be fed.
A short time later after E. finished eating, we headed into the sanctuary. It's very relaxed on Wednesday nights and the choir was busy practicing for Easter services. E. went looking for a few friends to play with while I sat and listened and jotted down a few notes. I immediately felt emotional again - and wiped my eyes - making sure no one around me saw any signs of tears. I excused myself to the restroom to put some cold water on my face. I was so torn. I knew emotionally I could break down if someone so much as looked at me funny - or if the topic for the discussion tonight was something that hit too close to home. I don't LIKE going to church and being an emotional basket-case. I really just wanted to go to find some peace. For the third time, I questioned my motives for being there in the first place and had to remind myself why I was there.
As I sat back down, I looked at my handout and my eyes widened. I saw that the NOOMA video we would be watching and discussing today was "RICH". Oh boy. The reading BEFORE the video was about being richly blessed by God. Oh boy. I was feeling anything BUT richly blessed today. After the first song and the scripture reading, Pastor played the NOOMA video. All I can say is WOW. That Rob Bell guy who does these videos has a way of grabbing my attention from the moment the lights dim until he's done speaking. I am usually in a daze immediately afterwards too. It's absolutely astonishing the ability he has to make me stop everything and realize my own shortcomings and where I lack the ability to be grateful for everything. The video started running through the idea that we in America are the rich people that the Bible talks about.
"Command those who are rich not to put their hope in wealth, but to put our hope in God who richly provides us with everything". Immediately I was reminded when I most needed reminding. EVERYTHING I have is a gift. Regardless of what's going on in my life, I am STILL so richly blessed. And there it was. My soul felt fed. Peace was restored in my heart. God was there in the midst of everything and He continues to be there for me, always.
I drove to church in my car. That makes me richer than 92% of the world. I had clean drinking water this morning with my almonds and dried fruit. That makes me richer than somewhere around a billion people in the world. I took my salad ingredients to work and ate my lunch in between calls and meetings. That makes me richer than the 800 million who didn't even eat today -and a full 300 million of those 800 million are children.
Food? Gift. Clothes? Gift. Roof? Gift. That breath I just took? Gift.
I am so richly blessed, I just needed a reminder about that. I have been given gifts that so many around the world don't have. Nothing like an eye-opening realization that in spite of my struggles and my frustrations, I am still far more BLESSED than so many others on this earth.
This song has been running through my head this evening.
The Indigo Girls - Secure Yourself
One of the principles my Dad always talked about as I was growing up was God's directions to Abraham - YOU ARE BLESSED TO BE A BLESSING. I hope and pray that I was a blessing to someone else today and that I will be a blessing to someone else tomorrow. Here's hoping each and every one of you is a blessing to someone else, too. :)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Overcoming Obsession with Second Life
Phew. Most of today when my mind WASN'T on about a million other things, I kept thinking that I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this blog idea about obsession. I could go sooooo many different places with this and I really want to do it justice - not just throw a bunch of crap out there and see if it sticks or slides. So here goes.
Obsession with ANYTHING is pretty unhealthy. Ask Mr. Webster. The definition of "obsessed" is:
OBSESSION
–noun
1.the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2.the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3.the state of being obsessed.
4.the act of obsessing.
I can't think of many things that would be good to obsess about when I think of the word in these terms.
There are plenty of examples of obsession in Second Life and other online games. One of the most recent examples is that of a couple who met online and had a baby in real life and also had one in a virtual world (there are many versions of this article, some articles list Second Life as the virtual world, others list a different MMORPG called "Prius" as the culprit). Apparently, the couple was too busy with their online lives - spending upwards of 12 hours daily in-world - to feed their baby in real life. Their baby - the living, breathing infant - died of malnutrition in September. The parents, rather than actually feed the baby, would just leave it in the apartment as they went to Internet Cafes to live out the virtual lives they created there. A very, very drastic example of obsession. It didn't even matter to them that they had a child together in the real world - all that mattered was being online.
Obsession in its clearest form is simply an unhealthy behavior. Overcoming it, however, can be exceedingly difficult. Obsession over a "game" may sound insane to someone. I am living proof that it IS possible though. And other people are starting to take it seriously too.
Newsweek recently had a journalist write an article about the journalist's brother who is homeless. His day consists of waking up in a tent, using foodstamps to buy a microwavable lunch and then heading to the local university computer lab that's open to everyone. He spends the next 12 hours online...in Second Life and in other MMORPG's. This is what he does with his life. He is an able-bodied man who COULD work and COULD be a productive member of society, yet he chooses this life this way - in a tent in a makeshift hobo-camp, sucking society dry and taking handouts. How much pride can there be in that?
There have been some interesting blog posts from individuals who have found themselves in an obsessive relationship with Second Life. This blog , written by a professional man in his 40's, talks about how he almost lost his job, his home and his wife and family due to his addiction/obsession with Second Life. One of the quotes I took from his 4-part series of blog entries. He was discussing "conditioning" which is the idea psychotherapists are tossing around that the brain loves to associate things. So depending what you "get off" on (sex, shopping, meeting new people, making new conquests in relationships, building some great new thing to sell, selling in general and making money in-world), your brain's response is to group your computer into the category of "pleasure" and therefore causing your brain to keep you at a state of perpetual arousal. As "dylan" writes so eloquently:
"That explained to me why SL always seemed to give me a kick, even when I was alone on my sky platform building things or scripting. That low-level arousal I felt all the time I spent in SL certainly produced a sort of substance addiction that was one of the factors that kept me hooked."
So if you're still there and you're still hooked - just know that it's NOT YOU. I mean, it's not *only* you. I believe that there are tens of thousands of other people there all feeling this "low level arousal" that Dylan talks about. They aren't all trying to hunt other people down to have sex with their avatars, but they are there because their brains are convinced that this makes them feel good. And, if something feels good and you're not hurting anybody, why would you ever stop? But the problem there is that all too often, people get hurt. People that you may not mean to hurt. And YOU get hurt. The longer you stay obsessed, addicted and habit-driven about Second Life, the more likely you are to hurt yourself too. In any NUMBER of ways. Losing your home, your family, your life as you know it - all of these things have happened to Second Life addicts. And much, much more.
So, now, how do you overcome it?
1. Be honest with yourself and start looking for help.
Are you truly obsessed and addicted? Take this test if you're not sure. Just be honest with your answers...no matter how much it might hurt as you answer the questions. You might really be surprised at the results. I know I was initially. Thankfully, today is day 30 for my blog - and I started it as I made my decision to leave SL. I have overcome leaps and bounds with my addiction - and I attribute that to my honesty here about my pain and addiction.
2. Start withdrawing...at least for a little while.
Take a chunk of time to yourself to unplug. For me, this was so extremely difficult but because I did, I can now go days and days without logging on. I don't feel like I am cheating myself in any way. I feel like life has gotten so much better and I don't feel like a zombie anymore and I don't feel so depressed. Like Dylan said above - when your brain makes your computer tell you everything's all better each time you log on, it becomes a serious habit that has to be broken. For me, cold turkey - at least temporarily - was the answer. I had a lot of support from my friends and family - so that made things much easier than they could have been. If you live alone, there are support groups out there. OLGANON is one place you can go for support - they even have a live 24/7 chat room and a couple of users are there most of the time. I know, because I have used the chatroom and talked with the other users personally. They even have local meet-ups in some areas! You're NOT alone...just remember that.
3. Make a list of all the reasons why this really IS the best choice for you.
Are you addicted now? Wish you weren't? Are you not really sure but you think you might be? When was the last time you felt PROUD of yourself? Let me give you a little insight into what recovery is like...IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN FEELING LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME. You will have withdrawal symptoms (at least I did) and you might even regret your choice at first, but I am here to tell you that getting lots of sleep, plugging back into reality and having the ability to sit down on the couch and watch a movie with your family without OBSESSIVELY checking your phone or emails for messages (TIP: TURN OFF THE IM'S TO YOUR EMAIL!!!) and always feeling like you can't wait to get back online IS SO FREEING. Every day now I feel as if I have been given back the gift of my life. I have made realizations that have been startling about my time in SL. What a complete and utter waste some of my time there was.
4. Just repeat this mantra to yourself "If I am looking for something real to fill a void in my life, it does NOT make sense to look for it in a fake world"
As much as we wish we all had perfect homes, perfect lives, perfect clothes, perfect bodies, perfect partners, perfect EVERYTHING...perfection does not exist. The satisfaction of searching for, finding and capturing something that fills a void in your real life is SO SATISFYING. You may have forgotten what it feels like. You may think it won't ever happen for you. You must push these negative thoughts away. You need to believe in yourself and your ability to achieve mental health. You just HAVE to.
I know this is an extremely long blog post. I am sorry about that, but I felt very strongly like I needed to do such a serious topic justice. I know that some people might think I am being preachy or that I want to ruin their fun time. The honest truth is that when I was in-world, I met a lot of people that could use a hand out of the mud and the muck that is SL. I would really want someone else to do this for me - and, in fact, someone did. It only took ONE PERSON to create an avatar (me) and enter SL for the first time. It took more than a dozen people - supporting, loving, counseling, listening and embracing me to help me get myself out. I owe a lot of debts of thanks right now to a lot of people. For me, this is the best way I can pay it forward. I have already heard from so many people I used to spend time with in SL. They are encouraging me to keep writing, to keep going, to keep talking, to keep sharing my feelings. And ultimately, this blog IS my recovery process. I have embraced my faults, I have embraced my weaknesses and there is only one way for me to go from here - and that's UP.
This post has also been extremely serious. I am not a very serious person by nature. I tend to laugh and joke a lot. When I was thinking about this post today and what I was going to write, as serious as this topic is, I couldn't get this episode of Ren & Stimpy out of my mind. Imagine my joy when I found the exact portion I wanted to show you all on YouTube (YAY!) but realized that the embedding had been disabled by request (OH NOES!)! It demonstrates how I feel about SECOND LIFE MADNESS (or, SLM for short). SLM a term I have invented for that place where I feel a lot of people who are obsessed live in their mind with regards to their behaviors in-world. They are so caught up with what they think is important about the virtual world, that the real world (and the way they should act in the real world) kind of becomes an afterthought to them. These people reconcile their inappropriate, irrational, illogical and hurtful behaviors to themselves and others because when you have SLM, your mind becomes twisted and you can easily lose sight of ethics, character and the values that people in the real world live by daily. You make choices, you say things and you act as if the laws of human nature do not apply to you or the things you say and do. Hence, Second Life Madness. The good news is...this goes away when you break the cycle of logging on. The bad news? Well, you have to come to terms with your behavior - the things you did to hurt other people while you were so engrossed in Second Life will still be there when you eventually do climb out. If you take nothing else from this blog post, please at LEAST take that thought with you. This can not only be sobering, it can be shocking and sad too. You may owe a lot of people an apology. If you're lucky, they will forgive you. If you're not so lucky, well...at least you will have removed yourself from the situation and the hurt you have caused others AND yourself will be over.
The clip is called "Space Madness"...enjoy!
Obsession with ANYTHING is pretty unhealthy. Ask Mr. Webster. The definition of "obsessed" is:
OBSESSION
–noun
1.the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2.the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3.the state of being obsessed.
4.the act of obsessing.
I can't think of many things that would be good to obsess about when I think of the word in these terms.
There are plenty of examples of obsession in Second Life and other online games. One of the most recent examples is that of a couple who met online and had a baby in real life and also had one in a virtual world (there are many versions of this article, some articles list Second Life as the virtual world, others list a different MMORPG called "Prius" as the culprit). Apparently, the couple was too busy with their online lives - spending upwards of 12 hours daily in-world - to feed their baby in real life. Their baby - the living, breathing infant - died of malnutrition in September. The parents, rather than actually feed the baby, would just leave it in the apartment as they went to Internet Cafes to live out the virtual lives they created there. A very, very drastic example of obsession. It didn't even matter to them that they had a child together in the real world - all that mattered was being online.
Obsession in its clearest form is simply an unhealthy behavior. Overcoming it, however, can be exceedingly difficult. Obsession over a "game" may sound insane to someone. I am living proof that it IS possible though. And other people are starting to take it seriously too.
Newsweek recently had a journalist write an article about the journalist's brother who is homeless. His day consists of waking up in a tent, using foodstamps to buy a microwavable lunch and then heading to the local university computer lab that's open to everyone. He spends the next 12 hours online...in Second Life and in other MMORPG's. This is what he does with his life. He is an able-bodied man who COULD work and COULD be a productive member of society, yet he chooses this life this way - in a tent in a makeshift hobo-camp, sucking society dry and taking handouts. How much pride can there be in that?
There have been some interesting blog posts from individuals who have found themselves in an obsessive relationship with Second Life. This blog , written by a professional man in his 40's, talks about how he almost lost his job, his home and his wife and family due to his addiction/obsession with Second Life. One of the quotes I took from his 4-part series of blog entries. He was discussing "conditioning" which is the idea psychotherapists are tossing around that the brain loves to associate things. So depending what you "get off" on (sex, shopping, meeting new people, making new conquests in relationships, building some great new thing to sell, selling in general and making money in-world), your brain's response is to group your computer into the category of "pleasure" and therefore causing your brain to keep you at a state of perpetual arousal. As "dylan" writes so eloquently:
"That explained to me why SL always seemed to give me a kick, even when I was alone on my sky platform building things or scripting. That low-level arousal I felt all the time I spent in SL certainly produced a sort of substance addiction that was one of the factors that kept me hooked."
So if you're still there and you're still hooked - just know that it's NOT YOU. I mean, it's not *only* you. I believe that there are tens of thousands of other people there all feeling this "low level arousal" that Dylan talks about. They aren't all trying to hunt other people down to have sex with their avatars, but they are there because their brains are convinced that this makes them feel good. And, if something feels good and you're not hurting anybody, why would you ever stop? But the problem there is that all too often, people get hurt. People that you may not mean to hurt. And YOU get hurt. The longer you stay obsessed, addicted and habit-driven about Second Life, the more likely you are to hurt yourself too. In any NUMBER of ways. Losing your home, your family, your life as you know it - all of these things have happened to Second Life addicts. And much, much more.
So, now, how do you overcome it?
1. Be honest with yourself and start looking for help.
Are you truly obsessed and addicted? Take this test if you're not sure. Just be honest with your answers...no matter how much it might hurt as you answer the questions. You might really be surprised at the results. I know I was initially. Thankfully, today is day 30 for my blog - and I started it as I made my decision to leave SL. I have overcome leaps and bounds with my addiction - and I attribute that to my honesty here about my pain and addiction.
2. Start withdrawing...at least for a little while.
Take a chunk of time to yourself to unplug. For me, this was so extremely difficult but because I did, I can now go days and days without logging on. I don't feel like I am cheating myself in any way. I feel like life has gotten so much better and I don't feel like a zombie anymore and I don't feel so depressed. Like Dylan said above - when your brain makes your computer tell you everything's all better each time you log on, it becomes a serious habit that has to be broken. For me, cold turkey - at least temporarily - was the answer. I had a lot of support from my friends and family - so that made things much easier than they could have been. If you live alone, there are support groups out there. OLGANON is one place you can go for support - they even have a live 24/7 chat room and a couple of users are there most of the time. I know, because I have used the chatroom and talked with the other users personally. They even have local meet-ups in some areas! You're NOT alone...just remember that.
3. Make a list of all the reasons why this really IS the best choice for you.
Are you addicted now? Wish you weren't? Are you not really sure but you think you might be? When was the last time you felt PROUD of yourself? Let me give you a little insight into what recovery is like...IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN FEELING LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME. You will have withdrawal symptoms (at least I did) and you might even regret your choice at first, but I am here to tell you that getting lots of sleep, plugging back into reality and having the ability to sit down on the couch and watch a movie with your family without OBSESSIVELY checking your phone or emails for messages (TIP: TURN OFF THE IM'S TO YOUR EMAIL!!!) and always feeling like you can't wait to get back online IS SO FREEING. Every day now I feel as if I have been given back the gift of my life. I have made realizations that have been startling about my time in SL. What a complete and utter waste some of my time there was.
4. Just repeat this mantra to yourself "If I am looking for something real to fill a void in my life, it does NOT make sense to look for it in a fake world"
As much as we wish we all had perfect homes, perfect lives, perfect clothes, perfect bodies, perfect partners, perfect EVERYTHING...perfection does not exist. The satisfaction of searching for, finding and capturing something that fills a void in your real life is SO SATISFYING. You may have forgotten what it feels like. You may think it won't ever happen for you. You must push these negative thoughts away. You need to believe in yourself and your ability to achieve mental health. You just HAVE to.
I know this is an extremely long blog post. I am sorry about that, but I felt very strongly like I needed to do such a serious topic justice. I know that some people might think I am being preachy or that I want to ruin their fun time. The honest truth is that when I was in-world, I met a lot of people that could use a hand out of the mud and the muck that is SL. I would really want someone else to do this for me - and, in fact, someone did. It only took ONE PERSON to create an avatar (me) and enter SL for the first time. It took more than a dozen people - supporting, loving, counseling, listening and embracing me to help me get myself out. I owe a lot of debts of thanks right now to a lot of people. For me, this is the best way I can pay it forward. I have already heard from so many people I used to spend time with in SL. They are encouraging me to keep writing, to keep going, to keep talking, to keep sharing my feelings. And ultimately, this blog IS my recovery process. I have embraced my faults, I have embraced my weaknesses and there is only one way for me to go from here - and that's UP.
This post has also been extremely serious. I am not a very serious person by nature. I tend to laugh and joke a lot. When I was thinking about this post today and what I was going to write, as serious as this topic is, I couldn't get this episode of Ren & Stimpy out of my mind. Imagine my joy when I found the exact portion I wanted to show you all on YouTube (YAY!) but realized that the embedding had been disabled by request (OH NOES!)! It demonstrates how I feel about SECOND LIFE MADNESS (or, SLM for short). SLM a term I have invented for that place where I feel a lot of people who are obsessed live in their mind with regards to their behaviors in-world. They are so caught up with what they think is important about the virtual world, that the real world (and the way they should act in the real world) kind of becomes an afterthought to them. These people reconcile their inappropriate, irrational, illogical and hurtful behaviors to themselves and others because when you have SLM, your mind becomes twisted and you can easily lose sight of ethics, character and the values that people in the real world live by daily. You make choices, you say things and you act as if the laws of human nature do not apply to you or the things you say and do. Hence, Second Life Madness. The good news is...this goes away when you break the cycle of logging on. The bad news? Well, you have to come to terms with your behavior - the things you did to hurt other people while you were so engrossed in Second Life will still be there when you eventually do climb out. If you take nothing else from this blog post, please at LEAST take that thought with you. This can not only be sobering, it can be shocking and sad too. You may owe a lot of people an apology. If you're lucky, they will forgive you. If you're not so lucky, well...at least you will have removed yourself from the situation and the hurt you have caused others AND yourself will be over.
The clip is called "Space Madness"...enjoy!
OBSESSION (for Monday)
Suppose I tell you that there's a party going on in a virtual world and you are invited. Don't worry about how you look, you always look great there. Don't worry about what you have to wear - everything is free or pretty cheap. Don't worry about a date - there are TONS of other people there. I can't PROMISE you'll have a good time, but it's happening...you should totally go. Would you answer:
a. People? Great clothes? Interaction? I must attend. I will literally die if I do not attend. I MUST GO.
b. A party huh? Hmmm...do I have to meet new people? I'm interested...
c. A party where? With what? Oh, sorry, I have a lot going on...I am just not sure I can spare the time right now.
The correct answer for a reasonable human being should be B. or C. and last month by the time I decided I had enough of SL taking over my life, I would have probably run screaming. If you asked me the same question today, I would probably say C - but before I got my head screwed back on straight, it would have been "A" all the way. I love a chance to meet and hang with friends and even make new friends.
There is a small place in my life for SL right now...connecting with friends that I really care about when we run out of time to email and need to talk one-on-one, or giving the creative parts of my brain a chance to run amok by decorating or photographing and also allowing myself the pleasure of continuing to edit and proofread here and there. I am not the best writer on the planet - I never claimed to be...but if I see a grammer error, I like correcting it. :) Plus I have established a great relationship with my publisher boss-lady. I enjoy hearing from her and getting work from her. For me, SL is now a controllable distraction where I can spend a few minutes, a half hour - whatever - and then walk away completely free of the time .
It was not always that way for me, however. There was a time not too long ago that I was completely OBSESSED. And I mean that in the most dire sense of the word. Somewhere in the mix of obsession, addiction and habit is where I got caught up in Second Life. I have discussed addiction previously and I have touched on the idea of SL being a habit in the past too - but I haven't really talked about obsession - although it has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I think this week I will tackle that. In a rough sketch,
* overcoming obsession with SL itself
* overcoming obsession with relationships in SL
* overcoming obsession with things in SL
* finding a balance between obsession and healthy behaviors and attitudes
Now, a little song about obsession. Embedding was disabled, so I have to include it as a link here.
a. People? Great clothes? Interaction? I must attend. I will literally die if I do not attend. I MUST GO.
b. A party huh? Hmmm...do I have to meet new people? I'm interested...
c. A party where? With what? Oh, sorry, I have a lot going on...I am just not sure I can spare the time right now.
The correct answer for a reasonable human being should be B. or C. and last month by the time I decided I had enough of SL taking over my life, I would have probably run screaming. If you asked me the same question today, I would probably say C - but before I got my head screwed back on straight, it would have been "A" all the way. I love a chance to meet and hang with friends and even make new friends.
There is a small place in my life for SL right now...connecting with friends that I really care about when we run out of time to email and need to talk one-on-one, or giving the creative parts of my brain a chance to run amok by decorating or photographing and also allowing myself the pleasure of continuing to edit and proofread here and there. I am not the best writer on the planet - I never claimed to be...but if I see a grammer error, I like correcting it. :) Plus I have established a great relationship with my publisher boss-lady. I enjoy hearing from her and getting work from her. For me, SL is now a controllable distraction where I can spend a few minutes, a half hour - whatever - and then walk away completely free of the time .
It was not always that way for me, however. There was a time not too long ago that I was completely OBSESSED. And I mean that in the most dire sense of the word. Somewhere in the mix of obsession, addiction and habit is where I got caught up in Second Life. I have discussed addiction previously and I have touched on the idea of SL being a habit in the past too - but I haven't really talked about obsession - although it has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I think this week I will tackle that. In a rough sketch,
* overcoming obsession with SL itself
* overcoming obsession with relationships in SL
* overcoming obsession with things in SL
* finding a balance between obsession and healthy behaviors and attitudes
Now, a little song about obsession. Embedding was disabled, so I have to include it as a link here.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A very wonderful day
This morning did not start as a very wonderful day. I woke up tired and by the time E. and me were on our way to sunday school, my head was killing me. After sunday school (which was WONDERFUL), I headed home - stopping at the store for a few minutes to grab a few things and then immediately started turning a few-days-old loaf of Challah bread into a ginormous batch of french toast. The house smelled like coffee, maple syrup and bacon and yummy french toast and my three advil started to work and by noon the day was absolutely wonderful.
After a quick weekly meeting in-world with the SECOND TIMES crew, I grabbed my purse and raced off alone to the mall for some retail therepy. One of my favorite stores was having a 40% off sale - on EVERYTHING in the store. I picked up some great things there - ran into my mother and the saleswoman who my mother always visits with was so excited to see me - I hadn't been in there awhile. "I didn't even RECOGNIZE you Stephanie, you look incredible" - *BEAM* Then I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and she said "OMG, you look amazing - how much weight have you lost now??!!"... it always feels SO SUPER to get those little emotional boosts...and it always feels incredible to try on every single thing I like and have it fit - and then to have to decide which things I want versus which things I can afford - NOT which things fit. :)
I grabbed a few more things at another store and went by the salon on the way out for some waxin', some clippin', some stylin' and YAY - the cutest new hairstyle ever! I have been growing my hair out for SO LONG and now it's the most wonderful little A-line curly cut, stacked short in the back with super-healthy roots and ends and it feels and looks just terrific. There's just no comparison to prim hair and pants I have to double-click on to wear. There's just such a sense of pride and joy I have to look like I do now. :) I look at pictures of myself from a while ago and I just feel so good about the changes that have happened in my life. I just love me...I love how I look. And it just keeps getting BETTER. That's the most wonderful part.
I stopped for a coffee on the way home and just smiled and smiled. I came home and threw the shopping bags on the bed where they are STILL SITTING and then started cleaning like a crazy woman - which included folding about a zillion things of E's while Berg the dog sat in my lap and licked my face. I think he liked the taste of the hair products from the salon. Tomorrow starts full time at work and I have to work even MORE things into my packed schedule.
After a late dinner, I am about to head into my closet for a while and try and get some outfits organized in time for tomorrow morning. I am SUPER sleepy and just ready to curl up into a ball and hibernate for hours. This song brought me a lot of comfort over last summer when I was losing weight so fast that I almost didn't recognize myself from day to day when I looked in a mirror. I am so much more proud of who I see staring back at me these days...even more than I was a few months ago. It's a long road still to get where I want to be - but WOW, what a wonderful journey. My reflection is really starting to show who I am inside. :)
After a quick weekly meeting in-world with the SECOND TIMES crew, I grabbed my purse and raced off alone to the mall for some retail therepy. One of my favorite stores was having a 40% off sale - on EVERYTHING in the store. I picked up some great things there - ran into my mother and the saleswoman who my mother always visits with was so excited to see me - I hadn't been in there awhile. "I didn't even RECOGNIZE you Stephanie, you look incredible" - *BEAM* Then I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and she said "OMG, you look amazing - how much weight have you lost now??!!"... it always feels SO SUPER to get those little emotional boosts...and it always feels incredible to try on every single thing I like and have it fit - and then to have to decide which things I want versus which things I can afford - NOT which things fit. :)
I grabbed a few more things at another store and went by the salon on the way out for some waxin', some clippin', some stylin' and YAY - the cutest new hairstyle ever! I have been growing my hair out for SO LONG and now it's the most wonderful little A-line curly cut, stacked short in the back with super-healthy roots and ends and it feels and looks just terrific. There's just no comparison to prim hair and pants I have to double-click on to wear. There's just such a sense of pride and joy I have to look like I do now. :) I look at pictures of myself from a while ago and I just feel so good about the changes that have happened in my life. I just love me...I love how I look. And it just keeps getting BETTER. That's the most wonderful part.
I stopped for a coffee on the way home and just smiled and smiled. I came home and threw the shopping bags on the bed where they are STILL SITTING and then started cleaning like a crazy woman - which included folding about a zillion things of E's while Berg the dog sat in my lap and licked my face. I think he liked the taste of the hair products from the salon. Tomorrow starts full time at work and I have to work even MORE things into my packed schedule.
After a late dinner, I am about to head into my closet for a while and try and get some outfits organized in time for tomorrow morning. I am SUPER sleepy and just ready to curl up into a ball and hibernate for hours. This song brought me a lot of comfort over last summer when I was losing weight so fast that I almost didn't recognize myself from day to day when I looked in a mirror. I am so much more proud of who I see staring back at me these days...even more than I was a few months ago. It's a long road still to get where I want to be - but WOW, what a wonderful journey. My reflection is really starting to show who I am inside. :)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A Swift Dose of Reality
I spent most of this morning in the gym at my daughter's school. I walked back and forth between those large 10 feet cafeteria tables - the kind with those little plastic seats attached, each table covered in haphazardly folded clothes in all different children's sizes, mostly organized.
I watched my child run in between the tables, weaving in and out like they were a makeshift maze. Her little friend following her, they wound their way outside into the bright sunlight to play on the playground while the people mingled in between the different batches of gently used clothing. I closed my eyes for a moment, just grateful to have my baby girl. Little pink cheeks, beautiful inquisitive eyes and SUCH a bright future. I felt so positive - so hopeful - surrounded by a room full of teachers, children of all ages and parents...the sense of community was overwhelming - as it generally is at her school.
Then SHE walked into the room. The little girl that has forever changed my perspective about what reality is.
We all have problems in our lives. We all have struggles we need to learn how to overcome. I can't imagine many more struggles that could be more painful than what this little angel deals with every day she opens her eyes. But I am getting ahead of myself.
At first glace, I wasn't exactly sure if I was looking at a girl or a boy. About four and a half feet tall, this child skidded right past me. I watched as she bounded toward the school principal...half hopping with excitement. I overheard the child say "I brought my FAMILY" and I turned to look closely at the others following her. An older hispanic woman and two little girls trailed behind this exhuberant child - and I looked back in her direction and studied her face and clothes closer. I saw burgandy boots with heels - my cue that she was indeed a GIRL. I saw purple leggings and a purple hooded sweatshirt in a different shade - one that actually clashed quite garishly with the leggings. The girl was completely ambivilant about the clothing she was wearing, or the fact that they were smattered with dirt and had some holes here and there.
She stood completely erect - something so few people do - so I noticed it right off. I was struck by what a presence she established for herself in the room. And I was also amazed with how people responded to her. Each teacher came over to hug her and tell her hello. She responded with a huge bright smile that showed her crooked teeth. I looked closer at her hair - quite obviously short, coarse and curly - and her sweet freckles. As a mom, I wanted to reach out and hug her because for some reason I felt like she needed it. She looked proud and strong and unashamed of her obvious poverty and that made me want to squeeze the stuffing out of her.
Shortly after the last teacher greeted her, she began walking towards the tables. I reached out to her - saying "hello, can I help you find some clothes?" and she smiled at me...and I will never forget her face OR her response. "WOULD YOU REALLY!?!?" I smiled my response and said "OF COURSE I WILL!" We scoured the piles of clothes looking for jeans, shorts, tee shirts, sweatshirts - we found the COOLEST pair of levi's for her - only slightly used - and a really adorable black shirt that looked layered. Black pirate skull and crossbones and another black shirt over the top of it. Her eyes lit up when I found a tinkerbell shirt a few minutes later - and a second right behind it. She immediately let me hold clothes up next to her...she wasn't a bit shy. She seemed instead to eat up any attention and reward it with endearing looks of love and devotion. I was absolutely smitten with her. We shopped together for awhile, filling a few bags with clothes for her to take home. She walked over to the people she came in with to show them the things she found and I stole a moment to speak with the principal. I had to know more about this young girl.
"Oh, she has my heart" the principal said. "Really? Why? What's her story?" I inquired. A slight, sad chuckle escaped the principal as she said "Stephanie, that little girl is the product of a rape. Her mom decided to keep her when she got pregnant, and now she can't stand the sight of her. She lives with her grandma and grandpa in a single-wide mobile home. Her mother had several other kids too - all by different fathers. The other children are all related to her only by her mom. A younger sister, brother and an even younger sister are all in the trailer with them. Her mom decided to move them all in there after the newest guy she was dating got her pregnant and decided he didn't want any other children other than his own child - which the mom JUST decided to give up for adoption. The mom is still with the newest guy but can't be bothered to take the children back - they're both drug addicts. Oh, and the grandmother is currently suffering from the final stages of aggresive breast cancer. She's the glue that holds the family together - I struggle to think of what that little girl's life will be like if she doesn't make it."
I turned to face the wall so no one else could see my tears. This girl, this strong little girl who had the power to capture the attention of an entire room and steal MY heart (and who knows how many OTHER people's) immediately...THIS girl had experienced more pain and heartache in her nine years than any human being should. I cleared my throat and blinked my tears away and said "You know, I could pack up the leftover muffins for the family" and the principal said "Oh, what a GREAT idea! I bet they would LOVE that!" So off I rushed to the teacher's lounge where we were storing purses, coffee and muffins - and grabbed the basket of muffins and quickly raced into the cafeteria kitchen in search of plastic wrap. I quickly wrapped the muffins and sealed them up as I said a quick prayer for everyone who would eat them and then I blinked tears away again. As a mom, I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her and feed her and love her and tell her that everything would be okay. As a stranger, I had to be okay with muffins and my time shopping with her as all I could do for now.
I walked back out into the gym and handed that little angel the leftover muffins, wishing instead it was a stack of money, a key to my house - anything other than some stupid muffins that would really make no difference in her life. She said "Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH" and I told her she was very welcome.
THIS EXPERIENCE was an eye-opener. This girl's reality is not a virtual world with pixilated houses, clothing, furniture and childish, imaginary drama fabricated by broken and damaged individuals who are so lost "in world" that they have misplaced their actual sense of reality. HER life - HER REALITY is the worst type of reality imaginable - and she manages to smile and thank me for MUFFINS. And to be so thankful for what amounted to 20 minutes or so of my time...my life. It was a sobering thought, to think of all the time I have wasted on a virtual world when so many people in the REAL world need help and love to make their reality a better place.
This song, along with this entire blog post, is dedicated to the girl who taught me such a poingnent but important lesson. I pray her life will be touched by more joy than sadness from here on - and that somehow I will be able to do more to help her in the future.
I watched my child run in between the tables, weaving in and out like they were a makeshift maze. Her little friend following her, they wound their way outside into the bright sunlight to play on the playground while the people mingled in between the different batches of gently used clothing. I closed my eyes for a moment, just grateful to have my baby girl. Little pink cheeks, beautiful inquisitive eyes and SUCH a bright future. I felt so positive - so hopeful - surrounded by a room full of teachers, children of all ages and parents...the sense of community was overwhelming - as it generally is at her school.
Then SHE walked into the room. The little girl that has forever changed my perspective about what reality is.
We all have problems in our lives. We all have struggles we need to learn how to overcome. I can't imagine many more struggles that could be more painful than what this little angel deals with every day she opens her eyes. But I am getting ahead of myself.
At first glace, I wasn't exactly sure if I was looking at a girl or a boy. About four and a half feet tall, this child skidded right past me. I watched as she bounded toward the school principal...half hopping with excitement. I overheard the child say "I brought my FAMILY" and I turned to look closely at the others following her. An older hispanic woman and two little girls trailed behind this exhuberant child - and I looked back in her direction and studied her face and clothes closer. I saw burgandy boots with heels - my cue that she was indeed a GIRL. I saw purple leggings and a purple hooded sweatshirt in a different shade - one that actually clashed quite garishly with the leggings. The girl was completely ambivilant about the clothing she was wearing, or the fact that they were smattered with dirt and had some holes here and there.
She stood completely erect - something so few people do - so I noticed it right off. I was struck by what a presence she established for herself in the room. And I was also amazed with how people responded to her. Each teacher came over to hug her and tell her hello. She responded with a huge bright smile that showed her crooked teeth. I looked closer at her hair - quite obviously short, coarse and curly - and her sweet freckles. As a mom, I wanted to reach out and hug her because for some reason I felt like she needed it. She looked proud and strong and unashamed of her obvious poverty and that made me want to squeeze the stuffing out of her.
Shortly after the last teacher greeted her, she began walking towards the tables. I reached out to her - saying "hello, can I help you find some clothes?" and she smiled at me...and I will never forget her face OR her response. "WOULD YOU REALLY!?!?" I smiled my response and said "OF COURSE I WILL!" We scoured the piles of clothes looking for jeans, shorts, tee shirts, sweatshirts - we found the COOLEST pair of levi's for her - only slightly used - and a really adorable black shirt that looked layered. Black pirate skull and crossbones and another black shirt over the top of it. Her eyes lit up when I found a tinkerbell shirt a few minutes later - and a second right behind it. She immediately let me hold clothes up next to her...she wasn't a bit shy. She seemed instead to eat up any attention and reward it with endearing looks of love and devotion. I was absolutely smitten with her. We shopped together for awhile, filling a few bags with clothes for her to take home. She walked over to the people she came in with to show them the things she found and I stole a moment to speak with the principal. I had to know more about this young girl.
"Oh, she has my heart" the principal said. "Really? Why? What's her story?" I inquired. A slight, sad chuckle escaped the principal as she said "Stephanie, that little girl is the product of a rape. Her mom decided to keep her when she got pregnant, and now she can't stand the sight of her. She lives with her grandma and grandpa in a single-wide mobile home. Her mother had several other kids too - all by different fathers. The other children are all related to her only by her mom. A younger sister, brother and an even younger sister are all in the trailer with them. Her mom decided to move them all in there after the newest guy she was dating got her pregnant and decided he didn't want any other children other than his own child - which the mom JUST decided to give up for adoption. The mom is still with the newest guy but can't be bothered to take the children back - they're both drug addicts. Oh, and the grandmother is currently suffering from the final stages of aggresive breast cancer. She's the glue that holds the family together - I struggle to think of what that little girl's life will be like if she doesn't make it."
I turned to face the wall so no one else could see my tears. This girl, this strong little girl who had the power to capture the attention of an entire room and steal MY heart (and who knows how many OTHER people's) immediately...THIS girl had experienced more pain and heartache in her nine years than any human being should. I cleared my throat and blinked my tears away and said "You know, I could pack up the leftover muffins for the family" and the principal said "Oh, what a GREAT idea! I bet they would LOVE that!" So off I rushed to the teacher's lounge where we were storing purses, coffee and muffins - and grabbed the basket of muffins and quickly raced into the cafeteria kitchen in search of plastic wrap. I quickly wrapped the muffins and sealed them up as I said a quick prayer for everyone who would eat them and then I blinked tears away again. As a mom, I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her and feed her and love her and tell her that everything would be okay. As a stranger, I had to be okay with muffins and my time shopping with her as all I could do for now.
I walked back out into the gym and handed that little angel the leftover muffins, wishing instead it was a stack of money, a key to my house - anything other than some stupid muffins that would really make no difference in her life. She said "Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH" and I told her she was very welcome.
THIS EXPERIENCE was an eye-opener. This girl's reality is not a virtual world with pixilated houses, clothing, furniture and childish, imaginary drama fabricated by broken and damaged individuals who are so lost "in world" that they have misplaced their actual sense of reality. HER life - HER REALITY is the worst type of reality imaginable - and she manages to smile and thank me for MUFFINS. And to be so thankful for what amounted to 20 minutes or so of my time...my life. It was a sobering thought, to think of all the time I have wasted on a virtual world when so many people in the REAL world need help and love to make their reality a better place.
This song, along with this entire blog post, is dedicated to the girl who taught me such a poingnent but important lesson. I pray her life will be touched by more joy than sadness from here on - and that somehow I will be able to do more to help her in the future.
Friday...except it's VERRRY early Saturday
I am awake at this godforsaken hour baking a zillion cinnamon streusel muffins for E's school "clothing swap" tomorrow! PHEW...the house smells incredible and I have one last batch to transfer to the pretty blue basket I set aside with the lovely Williams Sonoma white-and-blue-striped dishtowel. PRETTY PRETTY. :) It will make all the other volunteer workers happy too! We brought in 40 items to trade, so we get to take 40 items with us tomorrow - here's hoping they have some things! E. could use a new summer wardrobe for FREE.
What a week it has been. E got in trouble for kissing a boy at school this week (he kissed her first) and tomorrow (I must be crazy) I am taking them out on a date. We are going to a 2:00 o'clock movie just E, T (the kissy mormon boy) and his little sister...oh, and me.
I NEED to go pants shopping this weekend too. Monday begins my full-time days at my job...my sweet sweet boss gave us all cash bonuses yesterday and brought in lunch for us as well as offered full-time status to me. I accepted and I also got my Property/Casualty book bound at FedEx/Kinkos Thursday night...so I am ready to start studying my hiney off.
This afternoon when I was driving home from work, I broke down in tears. I was on the phone with my mother and I was explaining what I had planned for the weekend and I said something about shopping for pants and said "because the new ones I ordered were all too big and I got rid of my OTHER too big pants and now I just have a bunch of pants that still don't fit" and for whatever reason, this was just the icing on the cake for me. I started crying - and immediately started apologizing too - "ignore me, I'm fine, I'll be fine"...when in all actuality, I was NOT fine. I was FAR FROM fine. I need to work on being more honest about my emotions sometimes. I tend to want to gloss over my sadness sometimes - maybe because sometimes I would rather be happy and something goes wrong I didn't expect. I know it's 100% okay not to be happy all of the time, it's just that I was so sad for so long - I don't want to waste any more of my life being sad.
It's time already to remove the muffins from the pan and place them into the basket for tomorrow (later this) morning. :) So I will close with a short song - one I find comfort in from time to time....
What a week it has been. E got in trouble for kissing a boy at school this week (he kissed her first) and tomorrow (I must be crazy) I am taking them out on a date. We are going to a 2:00 o'clock movie just E, T (the kissy mormon boy) and his little sister...oh, and me.
I NEED to go pants shopping this weekend too. Monday begins my full-time days at my job...my sweet sweet boss gave us all cash bonuses yesterday and brought in lunch for us as well as offered full-time status to me. I accepted and I also got my Property/Casualty book bound at FedEx/Kinkos Thursday night...so I am ready to start studying my hiney off.
This afternoon when I was driving home from work, I broke down in tears. I was on the phone with my mother and I was explaining what I had planned for the weekend and I said something about shopping for pants and said "because the new ones I ordered were all too big and I got rid of my OTHER too big pants and now I just have a bunch of pants that still don't fit" and for whatever reason, this was just the icing on the cake for me. I started crying - and immediately started apologizing too - "ignore me, I'm fine, I'll be fine"...when in all actuality, I was NOT fine. I was FAR FROM fine. I need to work on being more honest about my emotions sometimes. I tend to want to gloss over my sadness sometimes - maybe because sometimes I would rather be happy and something goes wrong I didn't expect. I know it's 100% okay not to be happy all of the time, it's just that I was so sad for so long - I don't want to waste any more of my life being sad.
It's time already to remove the muffins from the pan and place them into the basket for tomorrow (later this) morning. :) So I will close with a short song - one I find comfort in from time to time....
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Owning Blame
I realize at somewhere along the line, this blog ceases being about Second Life and becomes more about dealing with REAL LIFE issues - but I think that's normal since I am spending so little time in SL now. Although, that said, some of the issues I am still working through have a LOT to do with the time I spent in Second Life and even the people I met there.
Today's blog is about OWNING BLAME. I was on the telephone with an old friend the other day and we got around to this topic. Owning blame simply means taking on the blame others give you or that you yourself have given to you. An example of blaming myself would be "Now Stephanie, you didn't need 2 peanut butter cups...SHAME on you" (:)) and an example of owning blame given by someone else might be more like "It's all your fault that I was late for my appointment, you were in my way".
Blaming someone else (or something else) for your own behavior or actions is absolutely deplorable to me. But then again, I am pretty sensitive to it since it's something I have had to live with for most of my life. There have been MANY times someone has assigned blame to me - and you know what? I took it. I just took it whether it was truly my fault or not. And I am kind of done doing that. I really tire of having something always be my fault.
Let's examine something I was once blamed for: The Ketchup Bottle Was Put Into The Fridge Incorrectly. Okay...let's be logical with this. In the GRAND SCHEME of things, how important is it that a ketchup bottle wasnt placed in a fridge correctly? Does it rank closer to a 1 (for least serious offense) or 10 (for most serious offense)? So logically, let's examine this. Who is the one who decided WHAT the best way for a ketchup bottle to be placed in the fridge is? Was it agreed upon by a concensus? Was it self-determined? And if so, who died and made YOU the ketchup bottle placement police? If not, why so serious? What has it hurt having the bottle 3 inches from where you would rather see it? Does it truly disturb you SO much that you feel the need to make my life hell by blaming me for something that I didn't even know was a problem? And why should *I* even care in the first place. I could seriously care less about where the ketchup bottle is. Is it somewhere in the vicinity of the fridge? Will I see it pretty shortly after opening the door? It's not being cammoflagged by the mustard? It's not being hidden inside something? When people are suffering the world over, WHO THE HELL CARES WHERE THE KETCHUP IS? That is YOUR problem to own. NOT MINE.
Viola, lesson number ONE in NOT OWNING BLAME that doesnt belong to you.
I could go on and on with more examples, but really - most people get the idea here. If a problem belongs to you, don't assign it to someone else. It pisses off the other person, makes no sense logically and makes you look and eventually (hopefully) feel pretty stupid about your behavior.
Donna Cunningham from Donna Cunningham's Blog puts it this way:
"As comforting as it might be to find someone else to hold responsible for our troubles, that strategy won’t work. In the long run, it doesn’t change anything. In fact, refusing to accept and address our own contributions ensures that the problems continue to get worse."
Be mature and be responsible - take a step back before assigning blame and think very hard - DOES THIS BLAME BELONG TO ME OR SOMEONE ELSE? The best thing anyone can do in any situation where there are problems is JUST BE A PART OF THE SOLUTION. Move the ketchup bottle yourself - put it RIGHT where you think it should go - work on a good argument with detailed data about WHY it should go there and walk your partner or friend over the the fridge and show them the bottle. Explain why you feel it needs to be there and why it's important to you. Take the BLAME out of it completely and find a creative way to be a part of the solution.
And, while we're at it...learn to apologize properly. We have ALL done the half-apology. I am a master at it, actually. The "I am so sorry you feel that way" apology - basically telling someone that you're sorry that they are upset - but falling short of telling them that you ARE sorry THAT YOU upset them. And even when you DO apologize to someone in a way that seems right, you can find room for improvement. How much better is the second statement of these two:
1. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I haven’t been sleeping well.”
2. "I’ve been on edge because I haven’t been getting much sleep lately, but it was wrong of me to yell at you and I’m sorry.”
ACCEPT YOUR CONCEQUENCES, RECOVER GRACEFULLY, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND MOVE ON.
If you see yourself as a "blame-ee", from this point forward - DO NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME. Just look the person in the eyes and say "Your accusation towards me seems misplaced. I am not owning your blame."
And if you are the "BLAME-ER"...remember that accepting blame and responsiblity as well as being a part of the solution to the problem will free you from the effects of blame from the start. Cunningham says "Don’t try to shift even a part of the blame. This doesn’t mean that you should accept blame that you don’t deserve. But saying things like, “Well, if he hadn’t done this then I wouldn’t have done that.” is lame. Instead, say, “I am so sorry for this. I had no idea that what I did could cause this type of problem. How can I help fix it?”
The song for today is "fearless" - this is one of the songs that means SO much to me. It's a living, breathing example of how music can say more than words.
Today's blog is about OWNING BLAME. I was on the telephone with an old friend the other day and we got around to this topic. Owning blame simply means taking on the blame others give you or that you yourself have given to you. An example of blaming myself would be "Now Stephanie, you didn't need 2 peanut butter cups...SHAME on you" (:)) and an example of owning blame given by someone else might be more like "It's all your fault that I was late for my appointment, you were in my way".
Blaming someone else (or something else) for your own behavior or actions is absolutely deplorable to me. But then again, I am pretty sensitive to it since it's something I have had to live with for most of my life. There have been MANY times someone has assigned blame to me - and you know what? I took it. I just took it whether it was truly my fault or not. And I am kind of done doing that. I really tire of having something always be my fault.
Let's examine something I was once blamed for: The Ketchup Bottle Was Put Into The Fridge Incorrectly. Okay...let's be logical with this. In the GRAND SCHEME of things, how important is it that a ketchup bottle wasnt placed in a fridge correctly? Does it rank closer to a 1 (for least serious offense) or 10 (for most serious offense)? So logically, let's examine this. Who is the one who decided WHAT the best way for a ketchup bottle to be placed in the fridge is? Was it agreed upon by a concensus? Was it self-determined? And if so, who died and made YOU the ketchup bottle placement police? If not, why so serious? What has it hurt having the bottle 3 inches from where you would rather see it? Does it truly disturb you SO much that you feel the need to make my life hell by blaming me for something that I didn't even know was a problem? And why should *I* even care in the first place. I could seriously care less about where the ketchup bottle is. Is it somewhere in the vicinity of the fridge? Will I see it pretty shortly after opening the door? It's not being cammoflagged by the mustard? It's not being hidden inside something? When people are suffering the world over, WHO THE HELL CARES WHERE THE KETCHUP IS? That is YOUR problem to own. NOT MINE.
Viola, lesson number ONE in NOT OWNING BLAME that doesnt belong to you.
I could go on and on with more examples, but really - most people get the idea here. If a problem belongs to you, don't assign it to someone else. It pisses off the other person, makes no sense logically and makes you look and eventually (hopefully) feel pretty stupid about your behavior.
Donna Cunningham from Donna Cunningham's Blog puts it this way:
"As comforting as it might be to find someone else to hold responsible for our troubles, that strategy won’t work. In the long run, it doesn’t change anything. In fact, refusing to accept and address our own contributions ensures that the problems continue to get worse."
Be mature and be responsible - take a step back before assigning blame and think very hard - DOES THIS BLAME BELONG TO ME OR SOMEONE ELSE? The best thing anyone can do in any situation where there are problems is JUST BE A PART OF THE SOLUTION. Move the ketchup bottle yourself - put it RIGHT where you think it should go - work on a good argument with detailed data about WHY it should go there and walk your partner or friend over the the fridge and show them the bottle. Explain why you feel it needs to be there and why it's important to you. Take the BLAME out of it completely and find a creative way to be a part of the solution.
And, while we're at it...learn to apologize properly. We have ALL done the half-apology. I am a master at it, actually. The "I am so sorry you feel that way" apology - basically telling someone that you're sorry that they are upset - but falling short of telling them that you ARE sorry THAT YOU upset them. And even when you DO apologize to someone in a way that seems right, you can find room for improvement. How much better is the second statement of these two:
1. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I haven’t been sleeping well.”
2. "I’ve been on edge because I haven’t been getting much sleep lately, but it was wrong of me to yell at you and I’m sorry.”
ACCEPT YOUR CONCEQUENCES, RECOVER GRACEFULLY, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND MOVE ON.
If you see yourself as a "blame-ee", from this point forward - DO NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME. Just look the person in the eyes and say "Your accusation towards me seems misplaced. I am not owning your blame."
And if you are the "BLAME-ER"...remember that accepting blame and responsiblity as well as being a part of the solution to the problem will free you from the effects of blame from the start. Cunningham says "Don’t try to shift even a part of the blame. This doesn’t mean that you should accept blame that you don’t deserve. But saying things like, “Well, if he hadn’t done this then I wouldn’t have done that.” is lame. Instead, say, “I am so sorry for this. I had no idea that what I did could cause this type of problem. How can I help fix it?”
The song for today is "fearless" - this is one of the songs that means SO much to me. It's a living, breathing example of how music can say more than words.
People Who Have Many Faces
Wednesday's blog entry (being written on Thursday :)) is about people with more than one face.
This topic has to be one that everyone reading this blog is familiar with. Certainly at SOME point someone has demonstrated the "super-human ability" (and I call it that because I have the hardest time wrapping my head around this) to have more than one face in their communications with you.
The dictionary online defines two-faced as the following:
two-faced (adj.)
1. Having two faces or surfaces.
2. Hypocritical or double-dealing; deceitful
What does this definition make me think of when I read it? Hmmm...well, certainly not FRIEND. Certainly not LOVE. Certainly not KINDESS. In fact, it really fills my mind with descriptive words that are the DIRECT OPPOSITE of any words I would want to be used to describe ME or someone that I care about.
Recently, someone I do care about has been at the receiving end of some actions from someone who was two-faced. Being on the outside and looking in, all I can do is shake my head and ask "why?". Why would someone who professed to care about someone else act in a double-dealing or deceitful way? Why would someone - ANYONE - purposefully make the decision to say one thing to one person, maybe thinking that it would NEVER get back to the other, and then turn around and be the first one to try to be "there" for you when times got tough? How could someone like that look at themselves in a mirror? How could someone like that even SPEAK with you again after saying or doing something so incredibly false?
If you really REALLY have something to say to someone that you feel strongly about - whether it's something that happened between the two of you, something that you feel strongly about in a negative way or even something that you say in the heat of the moment - maybe you were just letting off steam - DON'T BE A COWARD. Don't turn your head in the other direction to the person you said these things about and profess to care about them - to say sweet things to them - to act concerned about them - when in your mind you are still clinging to the things you said ABOUT THEM to someone else.
How SHOULD two-faced people handle their bahavior once they have done this? Well, it's known in some circles as a "pre-emptive strike". If you know you have done something like this, have the guts to fess up to the person you wronged...tell them the situation. Here, I have taken the liberty to write a little generic script for a two-faced person in how to deal with trying to fix their indiscretions:
"When I was talking with someone I said some things to them about you. They were lies/half-truths/something I thought or felt at the time (pick one), but I know better now that it was my own feelings about the situation that led me to say those things in the first place - and this had nothing to do with you. I was extremely unfair to you by saying things that would hurt you. It was selfish, hurtful, childish, and very wrong of me to do this to you and I have learned a lesson that careless behavior like this can have consequences on my character and on what other people think about me."
Now, those who have been hurt? There you go - hand THAT to the next person who is two-faced to you. Let them know that whenever they are ready to apologize, you'll be there to listen to the script as long as they mean each and every word.
Really the only way I know of to deal with someone you know is dealing with you in a decietful manner is...to let it go. I know, I know. But you MUST LET IT GO. You can make sure THEY know that YOU know what they did - but YOU must let it go - for your own mental health. There is no way you can control the words coming from someone else's mouth. And that person - the two-faced one - does not earn respect with their words. No one wants to trust someone who says bad things about someone to them and then acts like nothing is wrong to the person they talked about. No one wants to even be around someone like that. Because of this ONE conclusion:
IF THEY DID THAT TO SOMEONE I KNOW, THEY COULD DO IT TO ME.
Two-faced people get a reputation - and NOT a good reputation.
This song is for both those who have been two-faced, and those who have been hurt by other people.
This topic has to be one that everyone reading this blog is familiar with. Certainly at SOME point someone has demonstrated the "super-human ability" (and I call it that because I have the hardest time wrapping my head around this) to have more than one face in their communications with you.
The dictionary online defines two-faced as the following:
two-faced (adj.)
1. Having two faces or surfaces.
2. Hypocritical or double-dealing; deceitful
What does this definition make me think of when I read it? Hmmm...well, certainly not FRIEND. Certainly not LOVE. Certainly not KINDESS. In fact, it really fills my mind with descriptive words that are the DIRECT OPPOSITE of any words I would want to be used to describe ME or someone that I care about.
Recently, someone I do care about has been at the receiving end of some actions from someone who was two-faced. Being on the outside and looking in, all I can do is shake my head and ask "why?". Why would someone who professed to care about someone else act in a double-dealing or deceitful way? Why would someone - ANYONE - purposefully make the decision to say one thing to one person, maybe thinking that it would NEVER get back to the other, and then turn around and be the first one to try to be "there" for you when times got tough? How could someone like that look at themselves in a mirror? How could someone like that even SPEAK with you again after saying or doing something so incredibly false?
If you really REALLY have something to say to someone that you feel strongly about - whether it's something that happened between the two of you, something that you feel strongly about in a negative way or even something that you say in the heat of the moment - maybe you were just letting off steam - DON'T BE A COWARD. Don't turn your head in the other direction to the person you said these things about and profess to care about them - to say sweet things to them - to act concerned about them - when in your mind you are still clinging to the things you said ABOUT THEM to someone else.
How SHOULD two-faced people handle their bahavior once they have done this? Well, it's known in some circles as a "pre-emptive strike". If you know you have done something like this, have the guts to fess up to the person you wronged...tell them the situation. Here, I have taken the liberty to write a little generic script for a two-faced person in how to deal with trying to fix their indiscretions:
"When I was talking with someone I said some things to them about you. They were lies/half-truths/something I thought or felt at the time (pick one), but I know better now that it was my own feelings about the situation that led me to say those things in the first place - and this had nothing to do with you. I was extremely unfair to you by saying things that would hurt you. It was selfish, hurtful, childish, and very wrong of me to do this to you and I have learned a lesson that careless behavior like this can have consequences on my character and on what other people think about me."
Now, those who have been hurt? There you go - hand THAT to the next person who is two-faced to you. Let them know that whenever they are ready to apologize, you'll be there to listen to the script as long as they mean each and every word.
Really the only way I know of to deal with someone you know is dealing with you in a decietful manner is...to let it go. I know, I know. But you MUST LET IT GO. You can make sure THEY know that YOU know what they did - but YOU must let it go - for your own mental health. There is no way you can control the words coming from someone else's mouth. And that person - the two-faced one - does not earn respect with their words. No one wants to trust someone who says bad things about someone to them and then acts like nothing is wrong to the person they talked about. No one wants to even be around someone like that. Because of this ONE conclusion:
IF THEY DID THAT TO SOMEONE I KNOW, THEY COULD DO IT TO ME.
Two-faced people get a reputation - and NOT a good reputation.
This song is for both those who have been two-faced, and those who have been hurt by other people.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thoughts about being 8
Deep down, we're all just grown up versions of who we were when we were about 8 years old. I am just now discovering this - at least *I* feel this way, and frankly, for my daughter's case I hope it's true. She's the coolest 8 year old I know.
When I was 8 years old I was alone. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. Being alone when I was 8, I mean. Growing up in Elementary school, I was pretty much the one everyone just ignored. I was a very different child, living in a dream world all the time. Yet, I was 100% cognizant that no one around me was interested in what I had to say and what I did.
Being alone as a child is an extremely lonesome feeling. I remember thinking about the fact that every teacher rolled her eyes when I would come to them with questions. So I stopped coming with questions at all. I would skate by in class because back then the school system still had that invisible banner hanging over my head pointing at me saying "not bright". Maybe they thought I didn't even understand enough at that age to notice when two teachers looked at me and whispered. Or when the rest of the class was making a giant dinosaur from newspaper and flour-glue and I was sitting at my desk reading. Or why I enjoyed reading group best (and eventually got my degree in English) - because my reading group was small and people were forced to read aloud. It felt like we were all talking to each other.
At age 8, my reality was that of a single young woman. I was on my own and had a lot of freedom - but not enough experience to know how to handle all of it responsibly. Sometimes I think back now to the things I did, the behaviors I had and I roll my eyes and wish it was someone else's life I was remembering. I remember having a feeling sometimes that I was floating above myself, watching me go through the motions of the reality that was my life (waking, dressing, eating breakfast, walking to school, going to class, leaving school, meandering home slowly and with a scattered little child's mind and then heading home for a couple more hours before my mother came home for the day).
When I was 8, I lived inside television. Mentally, that is. I had one in my room - a little black-and-white tv set. I longed for a clean, simple and funny life like I saw mirrored back at me whenever I watched tv. I just wanted any life different than the one I had. And my interpersonal skills were grabbed from such television shows as "3-2-1 CONTACT" and I know I spent a week thinking everything was an educational mystery to solve. I watched shows like "Quincy" (yes - I watched Quincy as a child...I guess that's where my urge to be a forensic pathologist originated) and shows like "B.J. And the Bear" which would explain why I walked around the house, the neighborhood and the school with one of those little stuffed monkey velcro-clingy things attached to me for a few weeks. This is around the time MTV came out and I started discovering music and music videos. AND this is also around the time one of my favorite movies of all time came out - The Rescuers.
What did The Rescuers mean to me? Why did it touch me so much? It captured every feeling I had. It was the story of mice saving a young girl from loneliness. It was just what I needed to feel like I wouldn't be alone forever. I comforted me so much to think someone WAS waiting for me somewhere. This song - which brings me to tears every time I see it - I knew it so well at the time, I played the little RPM record over and over and over on my little Winnie-The-Pooh record player:
That's almost exactly what it looked like - over and over - here's a link to the song on YouTube (the embedding was disabled by request) and you can actually see the scene in the movie that I watched over and over and over too. :)
Someone's Waiting For You
"You must try to be brave little one, someone's waiting for you" ---> This was my mantra. I believed with my whole entire heart that sometime, somewhere in life, someone had been created and designed just for me. Someone to instinctively know when I was sad, someone who knew when I wanted to talk, someone who knew my feelings and needs as soon as they were there. Not someone to "take care" of me - although, over time I have realized that the little 8 year old Stephanie and the 37 year old Stephanie NEED taking care of. There still really isn't anyone specifically in my life who says "let me take care of you", although some people have stepped up lately when I needed caring for emotionally. Generally I just take care of everyone else. Not because I have some innate desire to do it, but because...well, it's all I know how to do. Help others...because I want more for them than I had for me.
I used to walk in the rain as a child and collect worms and I would dig little holes in the backyard and tuck them into their freshly made little beds inside the wet earth. I always felt like I was saving them, one at a time. I would sing this song to the worms and try and comfort them like I wished someone was there to comfort me. I think that's why I was so open to the idea of God as I got a little older and heard and understood who people told me God was. God WAS there to love me...to comfort me...to protect me - and I would never be alone as long as He was there. The 8 year old inside me still needs to feel like somewhere, someone loves me all the time. Someone wants to care for me...somehow. So when times are difficult I remind myself of this song. And remind myself to be brave...and have faith. Wipe my tears, hold my head high, someone IS waiting to love me.
Today, I hope there is no one reading this who feels alone. I hope you all feel as if you have someone waiting to love you. :) I have plenty of love to share and to give. If you need a little today as you read this, take some from me mentally...I would be honored to bring you some comfort today.
XXOO
When I was 8 years old I was alone. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. Being alone when I was 8, I mean. Growing up in Elementary school, I was pretty much the one everyone just ignored. I was a very different child, living in a dream world all the time. Yet, I was 100% cognizant that no one around me was interested in what I had to say and what I did.
Being alone as a child is an extremely lonesome feeling. I remember thinking about the fact that every teacher rolled her eyes when I would come to them with questions. So I stopped coming with questions at all. I would skate by in class because back then the school system still had that invisible banner hanging over my head pointing at me saying "not bright". Maybe they thought I didn't even understand enough at that age to notice when two teachers looked at me and whispered. Or when the rest of the class was making a giant dinosaur from newspaper and flour-glue and I was sitting at my desk reading. Or why I enjoyed reading group best (and eventually got my degree in English) - because my reading group was small and people were forced to read aloud. It felt like we were all talking to each other.
At age 8, my reality was that of a single young woman. I was on my own and had a lot of freedom - but not enough experience to know how to handle all of it responsibly. Sometimes I think back now to the things I did, the behaviors I had and I roll my eyes and wish it was someone else's life I was remembering. I remember having a feeling sometimes that I was floating above myself, watching me go through the motions of the reality that was my life (waking, dressing, eating breakfast, walking to school, going to class, leaving school, meandering home slowly and with a scattered little child's mind and then heading home for a couple more hours before my mother came home for the day).
When I was 8, I lived inside television. Mentally, that is. I had one in my room - a little black-and-white tv set. I longed for a clean, simple and funny life like I saw mirrored back at me whenever I watched tv. I just wanted any life different than the one I had. And my interpersonal skills were grabbed from such television shows as "3-2-1 CONTACT" and I know I spent a week thinking everything was an educational mystery to solve. I watched shows like "Quincy" (yes - I watched Quincy as a child...I guess that's where my urge to be a forensic pathologist originated) and shows like "B.J. And the Bear" which would explain why I walked around the house, the neighborhood and the school with one of those little stuffed monkey velcro-clingy things attached to me for a few weeks. This is around the time MTV came out and I started discovering music and music videos. AND this is also around the time one of my favorite movies of all time came out - The Rescuers.
What did The Rescuers mean to me? Why did it touch me so much? It captured every feeling I had. It was the story of mice saving a young girl from loneliness. It was just what I needed to feel like I wouldn't be alone forever. I comforted me so much to think someone WAS waiting for me somewhere. This song - which brings me to tears every time I see it - I knew it so well at the time, I played the little RPM record over and over and over on my little Winnie-The-Pooh record player:
That's almost exactly what it looked like - over and over - here's a link to the song on YouTube (the embedding was disabled by request) and you can actually see the scene in the movie that I watched over and over and over too. :)
Someone's Waiting For You
"You must try to be brave little one, someone's waiting for you" ---> This was my mantra. I believed with my whole entire heart that sometime, somewhere in life, someone had been created and designed just for me. Someone to instinctively know when I was sad, someone who knew when I wanted to talk, someone who knew my feelings and needs as soon as they were there. Not someone to "take care" of me - although, over time I have realized that the little 8 year old Stephanie and the 37 year old Stephanie NEED taking care of. There still really isn't anyone specifically in my life who says "let me take care of you", although some people have stepped up lately when I needed caring for emotionally. Generally I just take care of everyone else. Not because I have some innate desire to do it, but because...well, it's all I know how to do. Help others...because I want more for them than I had for me.
I used to walk in the rain as a child and collect worms and I would dig little holes in the backyard and tuck them into their freshly made little beds inside the wet earth. I always felt like I was saving them, one at a time. I would sing this song to the worms and try and comfort them like I wished someone was there to comfort me. I think that's why I was so open to the idea of God as I got a little older and heard and understood who people told me God was. God WAS there to love me...to comfort me...to protect me - and I would never be alone as long as He was there. The 8 year old inside me still needs to feel like somewhere, someone loves me all the time. Someone wants to care for me...somehow. So when times are difficult I remind myself of this song. And remind myself to be brave...and have faith. Wipe my tears, hold my head high, someone IS waiting to love me.
Today, I hope there is no one reading this who feels alone. I hope you all feel as if you have someone waiting to love you. :) I have plenty of love to share and to give. If you need a little today as you read this, take some from me mentally...I would be honored to bring you some comfort today.
XXOO
Monday, March 15, 2010
Life usually has a way of teaching you about priorities
So life generally finds a way to make you stop obsessing about yourself and your own pain when it suddenly takes a dramatic turn and throws in pain for those you love. Which, on the surface, completely SUCKS. But deep down, can help someone in recovery from a depression.
Perspective is an interesting thing. What seems important one day can be absolutely meaningless the very next day. For example, the deli being out of your favorite meat can really be annoying - but, when placed alongside someone not having any food to eat or even money to spend on food in the first place, it seems completely pointless.
So also someone who has a relatively well-paying job suddenly and unexpectedly being laid off makes not getting a raise when you get a promotion seem very, very, minor indeed. I got a promotion at work on Friday and I am very proud. For those who have followed, I was just given Employee of the Month a week or so ago. I am absolutely blessed to be working where I am - with a group of individuals who are so concerned and caring and loving and kind. I did NOT get a raise, but as I said when it happened, sometimes hearing "I don't even have one thing I can think of that I would change about your performance, Stephanie" can go just about as far as a raise. Although the money would sure come in handy, especially now.
The weekend at the cabin was very good emotionally. It was an opportunity to decompress and completely unplug technology-wise. Well, except the iPod. Music must be there somewhere! A little log cabin sat smack down in the edge of the woods on the side of a mountain, I felt like the whole world was peaceful. My heart felt settled and my soul filled. I love the mountains.
This is the sunrise through the trees outside the front door of the cabin on Sunday morning
This is a picture of one of the more lovely views on the way home
Tall, Tall TREES
Trees have a way of making me happy too. Something about them. Upon arrival at the cabin I was a bit shocked at the noise everywhere. It was borderline obnoxious in volume. I looked up and I was surprised to realize where the loud humming and wooshing originated. It came from the trees. The wind was whipping through them quite loudly. It was a beautiful thing. I so enjoy feeling, smelling, sensing and experiencing the world around me in that way.
One thing as a side note, before I close this blog entry. My stats for this blog came out just now as I was writing this - and last week I had 226 hits and 118 visits and 82 NEW visitors. So welcome...and thank you for reading about me and about my experiences with Second Life and First Life. I hope and pray you will take something good with you when you leave the blog...and I am so greatful for you coming in the first place. To all of you who have emailed me individually, you are always in my thoughts. In my mind, I send you hugs and smiles and lots of peaceful days.
A cheerful song for a Monday. Mondays need cheerful songs - and this one makes me smile EVERY time I see it.
Perspective is an interesting thing. What seems important one day can be absolutely meaningless the very next day. For example, the deli being out of your favorite meat can really be annoying - but, when placed alongside someone not having any food to eat or even money to spend on food in the first place, it seems completely pointless.
So also someone who has a relatively well-paying job suddenly and unexpectedly being laid off makes not getting a raise when you get a promotion seem very, very, minor indeed. I got a promotion at work on Friday and I am very proud. For those who have followed, I was just given Employee of the Month a week or so ago. I am absolutely blessed to be working where I am - with a group of individuals who are so concerned and caring and loving and kind. I did NOT get a raise, but as I said when it happened, sometimes hearing "I don't even have one thing I can think of that I would change about your performance, Stephanie" can go just about as far as a raise. Although the money would sure come in handy, especially now.
The weekend at the cabin was very good emotionally. It was an opportunity to decompress and completely unplug technology-wise. Well, except the iPod. Music must be there somewhere! A little log cabin sat smack down in the edge of the woods on the side of a mountain, I felt like the whole world was peaceful. My heart felt settled and my soul filled. I love the mountains.
This is the sunrise through the trees outside the front door of the cabin on Sunday morning
This is a picture of one of the more lovely views on the way home
Tall, Tall TREES
Trees have a way of making me happy too. Something about them. Upon arrival at the cabin I was a bit shocked at the noise everywhere. It was borderline obnoxious in volume. I looked up and I was surprised to realize where the loud humming and wooshing originated. It came from the trees. The wind was whipping through them quite loudly. It was a beautiful thing. I so enjoy feeling, smelling, sensing and experiencing the world around me in that way.
One thing as a side note, before I close this blog entry. My stats for this blog came out just now as I was writing this - and last week I had 226 hits and 118 visits and 82 NEW visitors. So welcome...and thank you for reading about me and about my experiences with Second Life and First Life. I hope and pray you will take something good with you when you leave the blog...and I am so greatful for you coming in the first place. To all of you who have emailed me individually, you are always in my thoughts. In my mind, I send you hugs and smiles and lots of peaceful days.
A cheerful song for a Monday. Mondays need cheerful songs - and this one makes me smile EVERY time I see it.
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