Overcoming Obsession with Second Life

Phew. Most of today when my mind WASN'T on about a million other things, I kept thinking that I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this blog idea about obsession. I could go sooooo many different places with this and I really want to do it justice - not just throw a bunch of crap out there and see if it sticks or slides. So here goes.

Obsession with ANYTHING is pretty unhealthy. Ask Mr. Webster. The definition of "obsessed" is:

OBSESSION
–noun
1.the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2.the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3.the state of being obsessed.
4.the act of obsessing.

I can't think of many things that would be good to obsess about when I think of the word in these terms.

There are plenty of examples of obsession in Second Life and other online games. One of the most recent examples is that of a couple who met online and had a baby in real life and also had one in a virtual world (there are many versions of this article, some articles list Second Life as the virtual world, others list a different MMORPG called "Prius" as the culprit). Apparently, the couple was too busy with their online lives - spending upwards of 12 hours daily in-world - to feed their baby in real life. Their baby - the living, breathing infant - died of malnutrition in September. The parents, rather than actually feed the baby, would just leave it in the apartment as they went to Internet Cafes to live out the virtual lives they created there. A very, very drastic example of obsession. It didn't even matter to them that they had a child together in the real world - all that mattered was being online.

Obsession in its clearest form is simply an unhealthy behavior. Overcoming it, however, can be exceedingly difficult. Obsession over a "game" may sound insane to someone. I am living proof that it IS possible though. And other people are starting to take it seriously too.

Newsweek recently had a journalist write an article about the journalist's brother who is homeless. His day consists of waking up in a tent, using foodstamps to buy a microwavable lunch and then heading to the local university computer lab that's open to everyone. He spends the next 12 hours online...in Second Life and in other MMORPG's. This is what he does with his life. He is an able-bodied man who COULD work and COULD be a productive member of society, yet he chooses this life this way - in a tent in a makeshift hobo-camp, sucking society dry and taking handouts. How much pride can there be in that?

There have been some interesting blog posts from individuals who have found themselves in an obsessive relationship with Second Life. This blog , written by a professional man in his 40's, talks about how he almost lost his job, his home and his wife and family due to his addiction/obsession with Second Life. One of the quotes I took from his 4-part series of blog entries. He was discussing "conditioning" which is the idea psychotherapists are tossing around that the brain loves to associate things. So depending what you "get off" on (sex, shopping, meeting new people, making new conquests in relationships, building some great new thing to sell, selling in general and making money in-world), your brain's response is to group your computer into the category of "pleasure" and therefore causing your brain to keep you at a state of perpetual arousal. As "dylan" writes so eloquently:

"That explained to me why SL always seemed to give me a kick, even when I was alone on my sky platform building things or scripting. That low-level arousal I felt all the time I spent in SL certainly produced a sort of substance addiction that was one of the factors that kept me hooked."

So if you're still there and you're still hooked - just know that it's NOT YOU. I mean, it's not *only* you. I believe that there are tens of thousands of other people there all feeling this "low level arousal" that Dylan talks about. They aren't all trying to hunt other people down to have sex with their avatars, but they are there because their brains are convinced that this makes them feel good. And, if something feels good and you're not hurting anybody, why would you ever stop? But the problem there is that all too often, people get hurt. People that you may not mean to hurt. And YOU get hurt. The longer you stay obsessed, addicted and habit-driven about Second Life, the more likely you are to hurt yourself too. In any NUMBER of ways. Losing your home, your family, your life as you know it - all of these things have happened to Second Life addicts. And much, much more.

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So, now, how do you overcome it?

1. Be honest with yourself and start looking for help.
Are you truly obsessed and addicted? Take this test if you're not sure. Just be honest with your answers...no matter how much it might hurt as you answer the questions. You might really be surprised at the results. I know I was initially. Thankfully, today is day 30 for my blog - and I started it as I made my decision to leave SL. I have overcome leaps and bounds with my addiction - and I attribute that to my honesty here about my pain and addiction.

2. Start withdrawing...at least for a little while.
Take a chunk of time to yourself to unplug. For me, this was so extremely difficult but because I did, I can now go days and days without logging on. I don't feel like I am cheating myself in any way. I feel like life has gotten so much better and I don't feel like a zombie anymore and I don't feel so depressed. Like Dylan said above - when your brain makes your computer tell you everything's all better each time you log on, it becomes a serious habit that has to be broken. For me, cold turkey - at least temporarily - was the answer. I had a lot of support from my friends and family - so that made things much easier than they could have been. If you live alone, there are support groups out there. OLGANON is one place you can go for support - they even have a live 24/7 chat room and a couple of users are there most of the time. I know, because I have used the chatroom and talked with the other users personally. They even have local meet-ups in some areas! You're NOT alone...just remember that.

3. Make a list of all the reasons why this really IS the best choice for you.
Are you addicted now? Wish you weren't? Are you not really sure but you think you might be? When was the last time you felt PROUD of yourself? Let me give you a little insight into what recovery is like...IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN FEELING LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME. You will have withdrawal symptoms (at least I did) and you might even regret your choice at first, but I am here to tell you that getting lots of sleep, plugging back into reality and having the ability to sit down on the couch and watch a movie with your family without OBSESSIVELY checking your phone or emails for messages (TIP: TURN OFF THE IM'S TO YOUR EMAIL!!!) and always feeling like you can't wait to get back online IS SO FREEING. Every day now I feel as if I have been given back the gift of my life. I have made realizations that have been startling about my time in SL. What a complete and utter waste some of my time there was.

4. Just repeat this mantra to yourself "If I am looking for something real to fill a void in my life, it does NOT make sense to look for it in a fake world"
As much as we wish we all had perfect homes, perfect lives, perfect clothes, perfect bodies, perfect partners, perfect EVERYTHING...perfection does not exist. The satisfaction of searching for, finding and capturing something that fills a void in your real life is SO SATISFYING. You may have forgotten what it feels like. You may think it won't ever happen for you. You must push these negative thoughts away. You need to believe in yourself and your ability to achieve mental health. You just HAVE to.

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I know this is an extremely long blog post. I am sorry about that, but I felt very strongly like I needed to do such a serious topic justice. I know that some people might think I am being preachy or that I want to ruin their fun time. The honest truth is that when I was in-world, I met a lot of people that could use a hand out of the mud and the muck that is SL. I would really want someone else to do this for me - and, in fact, someone did. It only took ONE PERSON to create an avatar (me) and enter SL for the first time. It took more than a dozen people - supporting, loving, counseling, listening and embracing me to help me get myself out. I owe a lot of debts of thanks right now to a lot of people. For me, this is the best way I can pay it forward. I have already heard from so many people I used to spend time with in SL. They are encouraging me to keep writing, to keep going, to keep talking, to keep sharing my feelings. And ultimately, this blog IS my recovery process. I have embraced my faults, I have embraced my weaknesses and there is only one way for me to go from here - and that's UP.

This post has also been extremely serious. I am not a very serious person by nature. I tend to laugh and joke a lot. When I was thinking about this post today and what I was going to write, as serious as this topic is, I couldn't get this episode of Ren & Stimpy out of my mind. Imagine my joy when I found the exact portion I wanted to show you all on YouTube (YAY!) but realized that the embedding had been disabled by request (OH NOES!)! It demonstrates how I feel about SECOND LIFE MADNESS (or, SLM for short). SLM a term I have invented for that place where I feel a lot of people who are obsessed live in their mind with regards to their behaviors in-world. They are so caught up with what they think is important about the virtual world, that the real world (and the way they should act in the real world) kind of becomes an afterthought to them. These people reconcile their inappropriate, irrational, illogical and hurtful behaviors to themselves and others because when you have SLM, your mind becomes twisted and you can easily lose sight of ethics, character and the values that people in the real world live by daily. You make choices, you say things and you act as if the laws of human nature do not apply to you or the things you say and do. Hence, Second Life Madness. The good news is...this goes away when you break the cycle of logging on. The bad news? Well, you have to come to terms with your behavior - the things you did to hurt other people while you were so engrossed in Second Life will still be there when you eventually do climb out. If you take nothing else from this blog post, please at LEAST take that thought with you. This can not only be sobering, it can be shocking and sad too. You may owe a lot of people an apology. If you're lucky, they will forgive you. If you're not so lucky, well...at least you will have removed yourself from the situation and the hurt you have caused others AND yourself will be over.

The clip is called "Space Madness"...enjoy!