To Die or Not To Die...No Longer A Question.

This blog is basically going to be an in-your-face, one-sided dialog about my emergence from an addiction. Most people who know me would never suspect I am/was addicted to anything other than being nice to people. I don't mean to sound like I am being conceited or egotistical, but really - I am just trying to be honest. Whether I believe it or not, it's what people say about me on my facebook page and while it simultaneously makes me happy and grumbly, it is what it is. And speaking of honesty, this blog will be smeared with honesty. The names will be changed to protect the innocent, but I just wanted you (the reader) to be prepared for that. Brutal and painful at times, but also so necessary in admitting you have a problem and also so necessary in the journey of self-discovery that allows you to emerge healthy. But here I am, going off track already.

Addiction is an interesting word. It conjures all sorts of nasty images in people's heads. I mean, we never really use addiction in a positive way, right? We don't find ourselves saying "he is addicted to kindness" or "she is addicted to telling humorous stories". Instead, the word addiction is saved for the seriously bad juju. And I am here to tell you, I have been addicted to some serious juju for the past seventeen months.

Second Life has been described by many as an MMORPG - otherwise known as a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game. I challenge that description and instead insist that Second Life (abbreviated "SL") is actually more of a high-level, completely interactive social network. If you haven't experienced anything like it, I am not sure I recommend that you try. On the other hand, for those curious, there's nothing I can do to stop you. Although, before trying it, I would hasten to suggest that you read about some of the messes that it has created in some people's lives - just so you walk in with your wits about you - should you decide to try it.

http://www.emotionalwellbeingblog.com/2007/08/is-second-life-ultimate-cyber-addiction.html

I learned about SL innocently enough. I attended a conference in Anchorage, Alaska and saw a session about Second Life. I had absolutely no clue about it, but as someone who has supported online social networking for a decade, I felt compelled to attend. I signed up for an account in the session and immediately got to work creating an avatar and shopping in the many different free places...grabbing everything in sight because, well, it was FREE. I soon learned that there was a pretty dark side to SL...vampires, orgy rooms, all sorts of activities I had never even imagined taking place everywhere I looked. Sure, there was innocent stuff too - which I found myself gravitating towards more than the questionable. BUT, if I was smarter, I would have run the other direction early in my introduction to this world where everything goes...literally everything. Instead, I searched out some familiar things - I found a place to rent a house in a New England community and slowly got to know my neighbors and landlady. I became a friend to many and I was well-loved, respected and appreciated and I found myself spending as much as 10-12 hours online in SL on the weekends, cultivating these relationships with people from around the world. Fast forward to December 31, 2009 and me - the PTA mom, the women's shelter volunteer, the insurance associate, the Christian - me, Stephanie - not me, the avatar - wanted to curl up into a ball and just die from the pain of everything.

For one instant, I seriously considered it. I was on a treacherously icy road and my gas light had just come on. I had $4 in my wallet and $2 in my checkbook. Christmas had just passed and payday hadn't come yet. I was coming from such a dark place emotionally and this trivial annoyance somehow became my breaking point. I pulled over to the nearest gas station and put $4 worth of gas in my car. My gas light went off and I continued to creep home in the inky darkness that surrounded me. Pools of light from the streetlights created a path for me to travel slowly home. There was snow swirling all about and every time I applied even the slightest bit of pressure to my brake pedal, Svetlana (my Scion X-B) would start skidding to and fro. There are a lot of steep hills in Boise - it's a mountainous area. It was an extremely dangerous drive. Things rushed through my mind. How did I get here? Not here in my location, but here in my mind? How did I find myself thoroughly depressed, completely exhausted, emotionally destroyed to the very depths of my soul? How did I find myself looking at empty parking lot after empty parking lot - just wishing for the courage to turn into the lot, park my car overnight, cry myself to sleep and never wake up again. Or even to slide off the road down an embankment never to feel hurt or pain again.

I am pretty sure I know some reasons why. I need to think them out and talk them out, however. Take them out of my brain, dissect them with a Y-incision (ugh, I know...my friend Brandon had to dissect things for me in high school - I am not so good at dissecting), get past them and move on with my life and re-establish my emotional health. This blog will be my own personal journey to find the answer to all of these questions and also continue to give me the courage to breath in and out and smile and find Stephanie again. I can only hope and pray that it may also act as a catalyst to help others who are also seeking emergence into a more healthy emotional state.

I will continue my train of thought again later. Thank you for reading. I wish wonderful things for all of us.