Another Day, Feeling Stronger

I let myself cry in the car in the morning on the way to work. Almost every day. I was initially crying tears of sadness, and they have more recently morphed to tears of frustration and anger. I can't even begin to tell anyone how angry I am with myself. I shake my head in anger and mad tears fall. The car in the morning is where I feel most susceptible to giving up on being proud of myself. For whatever reason, this private time I get to myself becomes a time for me to chastise myself for the things I have done that have led me to this point. Some mornings I want to stop the car, climb out and tell everyone to get away from me. I want to warn them away - tell them that I am weak and disgusting...that only someone THIS weak in spirit would be this broken. I want to scream at them and crumple into a ball in the middle of the road while they all just stare at me. Then the feeling passes right about the time I am a minute or two from work. Thankfully, I generally am so concerned about being at work on time, I never do jump out of my car. I do listen to this song a lot in the mornings though...



Once I get to work, I have regained the grasp on my emotions and I am almost immediately distracted by other people's problems (work-related) and a desk full of work to feel bad. I work with the most amazing people on the planet - so nine times out of ten when I leave the office, I leave completely satisfied with myself. I sigh when I climb into the car and say a quick word of thanks for having the privilege of working with the coolest people on earth and for even having a job at all...I am so incredibly blessed when it comes to that. So many people are struggling and suffering - and while I am certainly not flush with cash, at least I am hearing about bonuses and opportunities to advance when others have unemployment checks that will be running out soon.

There have been many things that I have felt that I have gained from leaving SL. I guess I will talk about them now. One would be a sense that my mind is clearer. There is a true clarity that comes from only living one life - and trying to make that life exactly what I want it to be, rather than creating a better life virtually. There were times in the past when I threatened to leave SL - I wasn't ready to though - that's so obvious to me now. I guess it took the events of last week and the events leading up to the events that finally did it for me. But I think my reasons for finally leaving SL might be better as a post by themselves. :)

Another thing I have gained is perspective. Things that seemed so important in my mind now seem very far away and completely unimportant. An example? Hmmm...losing a piece of furniture because SL was being SL and somehow lost a 1700L something-or-another used to have some sort of affect on me. I was disturbed. I would stop everything and search or contact tech support to find where it could have gone. I wouldn't rest until it was back. I would IM the creator if it couldn't be found...and try and figure out how to get another copy. I wasted so much time on something that didn't exist. I guess that's what I mean by perspective.

Also, problems or disagreements with people seem so much less important. Part of my problem with SL is that I had an incredibly difficult time pretending to be someone else - so I just never tried. A argument or slam was personal for me - even if the person on the other end didn't mean it to be, it still felt intensely personal...an attack on my heart, soul and mind when it could have been meant as nothing more than their "play-time" acting...for me...someone sincere and there in-world with genuine feelings, it was excruciating to be on the other end of that pain. When I was in the 5K this year, I took so many people with me emotionally. As I trudged up the side of a mountain, I prayed for people/avatars - using their SL names...I thanked God that I felt their love and support and I was so grateful and blessed by their friendship and love. There are a handful of genuine loving and caring people in SL. Those are the individuals I will miss so very much.

Last night when I logged on to attend the gallery opening, I was prepared to defend my choices to leave to anyone who bothered to look at my profile and see that I was separating myself from SL. None of that came...which made me smile. I was afraid that my closest friends would want me to stay (and some of them did say that) but all of them said they were happy for me - and that meant SO very much. Maybe I will come back when I can handle the hurt with a tougher skin. When I can get up and away from SL without feeling like I need to stay logged on. When the event was over last night, I walked back to my house and logged off looking at my pets in SL - dog Engla and kitten Jett. I had just wiped a few tears, hugging a dear loving friend goodbye - a friend who has been there for me countless times - and a friend who wished me nothing but happiness, heath and joy. I immediately wanted to go back and log on again. I wanted to stay...I wanted to change my mind and just stay. But you know, it's not the moments where I am involved in conversations with others and attending a specific event that are the problem. It's the moments where I have nothing to do...I am just standing in a virtual room waiting - not wanting to miss anything, but not having anything to miss. That moment of just waiting for something to occur...and not wanting to miss that moment SHOULD it happen. It's difficult to explain, but when I was a very young child my mother tells me that on evenings that they had people over, I would climb out of my crib (they had no idea how I managed to do it) and I would crawl over to my bedroom door and eventually fall asleep with my face so close to the door that in the morning when she went to retrieve me, she would have to open the door so carefully, so as not to disturb a sleeping Stephie. I love a party, I love people, I don't want to miss a minute of the fun. I am finding that a little bit of a struggle, on nights like tonight. I don't intend to log back in until Sunday of next week for a meeting...so I am sitting here now wiggling my toes and wondering if "everyone" is doing okay...and WHAT they are doing...and what I am missing. But I am confident that in time I won't find it so difficult.