So What Exactly Led To Me Leaving SL?

Well, this is actually an extremely loaded question. So many things led to this decision. Things that were related to people in-world and out-of-world. My daughter - she would be a big huge reason for leaving. E. is an incredibly smart and beautiful girl. She has the world by a string - somehow I have still managed to end up blessed with her - and even though I havent been as involved as her mom as I feel I could have been (instead, I was distracted at times from being with her)during the past 17 months, I know she is STILL being raised well. She is getting so many awards - scholastic, character and kindness awards - and I am the luckiest mom on the planet. J. (My husband) would be another reason for me leaving. Or, rather, what we're going through right now. We have so many important decisions to make in the coming months. Clarity of mind is absolutely imparitive for me right now.

SL does NOT bring me clarity of mind. I guess some people can log in and when they leave, they take nothing with them. Me, personally, I have a great deal of trouble doing that. I bring everything with me and I take everything to heart. If a friend treated me in a way that felt unfair in SL, I would take it with me to my RL. If a person I cared about - someone I established a relationship with - lied to me or treated me with disrespect and dishonesty, it broke my heart in RL. I guess certain people aren't cut out for SL. I felt so much pain, sadness and sorrow there - it ceased to be a pleasant thing for me. I would log on and sometimes just stand alone in a room during some of my time there - and if I went out and danced or shopped...it just wasnt fullfilling. I wasnt looking for some sort of band-aid to put on an open wound...I was mostly just looking to heal the wound itself. That will never be done there for me.

I called a friend of mine in RL today that I met in SL. I immediately felt nausiated after hanging up. Not because I wasnt happy talking with this person, but because I was brought back into everything for just a moment. The lies, the sadness, the heartbreak from being hurt by people I thought so much about once - it all came rushing back AGAIN. The casual nature with which people treat hurting each other in a virtual world is absolutely astonishes me. People think nothing of completely destroying a human being and then leaving them to suffer in silence. I guess a lot of people can blow this off - or maybe they get their kicks killing people from the inside out. Not me. I can't be like that. One of the things that led me to leave SL was my own behavior. I changed a little. I became harsh and hurtful - two things I have never been. I was becoming the person I have grown to despise in SL. One of the insincere ones. The ones who use the living hell out of you and then spit you out. Those you trust and let inside your RL only to have them lie about you and garner sympathy for their inexcusable behavior to those who will listen until they use THEM up and spit THEM out and move on to another unsuspecting person. People who can only think of themselves - no matter what mess of wreckage they leave behind - just as long as THEIR needs are satisfied. These are just things I could never do...I couldn't treat another human being with that little respect and that much hurt. People who are truly heartless.



It's interesting because I have met both sides of the spectrum in SL. People who are there to be a friend and to care about each other. People who want to lift others up and do good with the time and energy they have. People with which you can have wonderful dialogs and learn so much about different places and cultures and laugh and enjoy times spent together. If and when I return to SL, it will be to see THESE people.

So ultimately, my answer for why I left would have to be just the lack of concern in general for other people's feelings.

Last night as I was tucking E. into bed, she held my face in her hand, searched my eyes until she locked on them tightly with hers - she had my complete attention - and she said "Momma, you are doing such a good job not logging onto Second Life. I don't like that place very much. It made you cry and you didn't want to play with me as much. If you make it this week without logging on, I am going to buy you the hugest present!" I almost got tears in my eyes as I leaned down and kissed her goodnight. I was so proud of her for once again parenting me out of a tough moment. What a lucky, lucky mom I am.

So now, as I find myself without much to do in my RL and a blog entry almost completed, I take a big breath and hope I make it to my "hugest present". One thing is for sure...I am so completely proud of my decision to do this for myself and for my family. The Christians say "What Would Jesus Do" and the Mormons say "Choose The Right"...I think both are on my side today. I just feel so much better all around.

Until the next entry...