Emerging Healthy - recovering from SL addiction

The Last Post

2010-04-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

Today is the perfect day for this blog to fade into the dark.

Today marks the 38th blog entry on a blog that was designed to help ME get through an addiction to Second Life. At the beginning of this blog, I received a LOT of notes from people going through the same thing. Notes from individuals like me who were suffering the gamut of emotions - the guilt, shame and anger of addiction - and much, much more. It was such a source of support for me to get my feelings out - to talk about things that I needed to talk about. A place for me to make realizations that have all worked together to help me feel so much better. A place for people I care about to understand more about what was going on in my head.

Some days, I had tears while I typed and some days I smiled. Some days I planned in advance what I wanted to talk about and some days I let inspiration take over. I have made a lot of friends since this blog began. People I knew in SL who became close friends in real life. :) I am SO grateful for their touch on my life. They have helped in so many ways - they have worked so hard to stand beside me and hold my hand and cheer my heart. Words cannot express how much I appreciate each and every one of you who did that for me.

Recently, individuals who are still very involved with Second Life have come here to try and turn something that I felt good about into something that I felt bad about. I can assure you, they did not succeed. When I left SL, I tried to leave the drama, the false people, the liars and the mentally sick individuals behind me. It seems I have inadvertently brought them here. Even though I guess I did that to myself by including the name of my blog on my Second Life profile. Initially, I put my blog there in my profile so that my SL friends would be able to continue to follow my life. The last thing I expected was for individuals with less-than-positive intentions to come here and go on the attack. I really didn't think there was any rhyme or reason for that type of behavior. I guess I can chalk it up to another lesson learned.

As I was working on my week-long project on obsession in SL, I found myself realizing that the SL part of this blog was becoming less and less important to me. I had decided to take the blog in an entirely new direction. When I began the blog, it was a place for me to talk out my issues with addiction to a virtual world. That addiction no longer has a hold on my life.

I have continued to write about SL here (in between blog entries that had nothing to do with SL) for the people who came here for the first time and for those coming back again and again searching for help. I will leave this blog here as a source for those truly looking for help out of a very dark and depressing place - literally or figuratively speaking.

My new blog will be under a different name and I won't be advertising it in any Virtual World locations. When I repeatedly said I was trying to emerge healthy from the experience of Second Life, I meant it. I plan to Emerge Healthy in spite of the people who continue to feel as if they have to drag others down into their spiralling messes. The best way I feel to accomplish this is to start fresh with a new blog.

So I wish you all healthy futures...and a lot of hope and joy. To those who read because they needed emotional support and liked knowing that they weren't alone in their departure or desire to leave Second Life - I wish you so much good. To others, I still wish you well.

Even though it is a solemn day, in my world the sun is shining and I have so much to be thankful for. I'm ALIVE. I am emotionally better than I have been in so long. I am stronger and I face things rather than running from them. Avoiding conflict is a big reason why I ran to Second Life. I try not to avoid conflict anymore. It's really a beautiful place to be emotionally.

Re-potting things

2010-04-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

We had rain on Monday and on Tuesday we had sleet and snow and sun and rain and clouds and wind and dark skies. Yesterday was bright and cheerful and partly cloudy with rain again. Name a weather, and we had it this week!

On Tuesday I brought home a plant that was given to me around Thanksgiving as part of a 3-plant-gift from my mother. I used it to dress up the insurance office for the holidays. The white poinsettia that came with it died - which is good. The most healthy of the three, a lovely vibrant green and yellow plant is sitting on my desk at work, and that left the "somewhere in the middle" ivy plant.

I didn't much care for the ivy. After I selected the healthiest of the three to put on my desk and dumped the dying poinsettia into the trash, I tried giving the somewhat sickly ivy away - but no one was interested in taking it. Hoping someone might change their mind, I left it in the kitchen at work and I watered it once a week, or whenever I remembered to. I watched and waited - hoping I would come in one day and it would be dead so I could just toss it. But the ivy plant struggled through being kept in the dark next to the refrigerator, being given very little water - basically forgotten.

So for these past few months I have been watching the ivy barely survive without care. It got me thinking about how the ivy could really teach me a lesson in symbolism about what happens when I have something in my life that needs a little extra care to bring it from "dying" to "thriving". I might choose to ignore it at first, but - if instead of ignoring it - if I gently pull it from it's old place, shake the roots free, place it into a new home, scatter a little fresh soil and give it cool water, it receives what it needs to grow into something better again.

The lesson is that you can take something in your life that is dying and give it new life if you try hard enough.

E. got a plant from school that needed re-potting and so Tuesday night we had a lesson in re-potting plants. :)

The ivy, only a couple of days into it's new home, is now thriving. Ultimately I was so encouraged by the idea that if I remember to do this with problems or issues in my life, I might have similar success. Something that was barely growing can thrive if I help it along.

I memorized this song in my teen years and I always repeated the lyrics to myself every time I needed a little comfort in the past. Today is a good day to be reminded that we never have to be anything more than who we are...but that with a little extra care, we can become everything we should be.

Speaking of obsession...

2010-03-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

I had a comment from someone named "Anonymous" that was posted today at 9:39 am (it shows up as 10:39 am in the logs below). It was posted at the bottom of Sunday's blog post. It can be viewed here:

At first, I read the comment and I was touched that an individual would be concerned about me and feel strongly about sharing some supportive information with me [even if I did feel that it was a little out-of-date for where I am with the whole SL addiction thing]. One thing was nagging at me, however. I noticed that the main idea in the paragraph looked a little...I don't know...formal...almost like a textbook. I did a quick google-search of the words and I discovered that the "comment" was almost verbatim (apart from the words "you chose sl over spending time with your child or husband" and the individual who posted this comment also omitted using the word "our" in the last sentence and instead added the words "on line, as are support groups.") the rest of the "comment" was copy/pasted from a website on Internet Addiction from a Community Counseling Services web page in Hot Springs, Arkansas.

If you follow the link, you can see the "comment" is actually a portion of the last paragraph on the web page and I am including a copy of the link here in case anyone is interested in reading the full details on the topic for themselves.

I like to always make sure I notate carefully when I include information from other sources on this blog - as a former English major, I am sensitive to anything documented in this blog being accused of plagiarism.

I know how I feel personally when I write something and someone else uses it without my permission and takes it as their own without giving me the credit I am owed. Effective immediately I have removed the option to post comments without my permission so that I can approve all comments prior to publication.

It's my blog - I feel very VERY strongly about people not posting things that they do not note the source of in a post.

Now, as for the idea behind the "comment" - I agree completely with anonymous that if people feel that an addiction they have is currently out of their control, they should seek assistance from a counselor, a psychologist or any other people that might be able to help them. I have mentioned something to that effect several times in my blog and I have included resources that state that at the top right-hand side of every page of my blog.

Emerging healthy is absolutely the number one goal of this blog.

I hope anonymous has taken some of their own advice. After finding this, I decided to check my stats a little closer for the day and I discovered something interesting.

The individual who posted this comment (***as you can see starred below***) accessed my blog 49 times today as of 7:27 pm, Mountain time.

I removed all identifying information (like the IP address), but I did leave in the country, the time stamp, the screen size and the viewer type on each hit - the country, screen size and viewer are all identical. For the record, the average reader of this blog acesses the blog 1.7 times daily - this includes going from one page to another. 49 hits, while a huge compliment to me and to my writing, is a bit out-of-the-norm for the average reader. I guess that makes them an "above average" reader!

If the individual who wishes to remain anonymous did this for some sort of malicious reasons (although I am finding trouble finding the motive behind that), I hope that they will not choose to continue this behavior. If the individual did this out of genuine concern for me, I have my email address at the top right-hand corner of the blog. I would be happy to email with anyone about any personal concerns that anyone has for me.

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Winding Up The Week

2010-03-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I dug deep into obsession this week was because an agency in Boston, MA was looking and tweeting about obsession in online social settings. The agency people took some time to look at my blog and I got to thinking that I could definitely find plenty to write about and dig a little deeper when it came to obsession this week - and I was right. I did a lot of research and I feel pretty pleased overall with the resulting blog posts. Let's hope Boston felt it was helpful too! :)

In order to finish out the week, I took some notes in Sunday School this morning that I felt like I would share. If the religious stuff annoys or bothers you, you may just want to skip the rest of this post.

Still with me? Okay, you have been warned!

With holy week being this week, my Pastor has been talking alot about where we "live" in regards to the Resurrection. He talked last week about Palm Sunday (today) when people waved palm branches to welcome Jesus. Then he discussed where we as human beings live emotionally in our minds and hearts. Most everyone, he said, lives in pre-resurrection. That means that as Christians, we tend to have no trouble believing the fact that Jesus lived and that he was mistreated and eventually crucified. He said most people are perfectly willing to believe that Jesus had a difficult time and was ridiculed because we ourselves can readily recall difficult times we have had in our lives and times when people treated us with less than respectful attitudes. Pastor said that fewer people live post-resurrection - he actually brought up elderly people and young children with very serious illnesses as those he has known in HIS life who he could easily say were living post-resurrection. Those people believed clearly that Jesus had risen and that through his death and resurrection is where you find the true hope in life. Something, he argued, that most of us have trouble with - the whole idea that Jesus could be raised from the dead.

In Sunday School today, we talked about "the third day" - the day Jesus rose. Someone spoke up today and mentioned a time she was walking through a cemetery with a friend and the friend had lost her only child - a nine year old boy - to drowning. The friend spoke up when all was quiet between the two ladies and said "I am so angry at God!" and the woman from Sunday School said in response "well, at least you believe He is there..." Pastor smiled gently in response to her story and said "It's so good to know that God is big enough to take anyone's anger - like a parent can take a child's anger." Then he said "Sometimes we look in dead places (like cemeteries) for explanations of life."

In church today, I met Earl. Earl is a elderly guy, big in stature and with watery dark eyes magnified by thick coke-bottle glasses. His head is almost bald, with scabs and a rash from what looks to be a skin condition and he had flecks of his scalp on his shoulders. He can't speak much and he's confined to a motorized scooter. I watched as people lined up to wish him good morning and to shake his hand or pat him on the back during the greeting time. E. was helping with communion this morning (I was *SO* proud) and I had to pass by Earl on the way up there. I saw as those in front of me would give him a little pat on the shoulder and he was sticking his hand out ready for any kind of human touch and interaction. How many more Earl's are there in the world that we choose to walk past every day - averting our eyes and quickening our steps? When it was my turn to walk on past him or slow my walk briefly and pat him on the back, I stopped completely and cradled his shoulder with one hand and with the other, took his hand and squeezed it gently. He was so grateful for another person's touch - for some sort of tangible proof that he was still alive and people still cared about him. So this blog post is dedicated to Earl - who, I believe, is definitely living post-resurrection. Thank you for humbling me today, Earl - and for reminding me to look in a place of life for explanations of life.

I believe that God loves all of us. I believe that churches place too much emphasis on sinning and on who is doing what against the church's guidelines or against each other. If more time was spent encouraging people to care more about one another and to show concern for everyone in all situations and places in their lives, people would have more respect for religion in general. I don't believe that homosexuality is a sin or that democrats are evil or that people who do terrible things in the name of God are right in any way for blaming their evil ways on something holy. I also don't believe in forcing what I believe on other people - but I felt like sharing this in light of the Easter season. It IS holy week - and in my world, that's a pretty big thing.

I have included a link to the video "He Is Alive". This is a song by Don Fransisco and has been one of my favorite Easter songs since I was 13 years old. I was so impressed someone put it on YouTube with a fantastic series of still photographs. I hope you enjoy it too - if you are interested in watching it.

He Is Alive

And, Dolly Parton does a killer job singing the same song here.

Finding a Balance between Healthy Behaviors and Attitudes

2010-03-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

"I can quit anytime"

I know I said that to myself over and over. Every time I logged on and looked around at the chores still waiting to be done, and every time I was missing another thing in real life that I was purposely not going to do because I was logging on instead. I repeated to myself that THIS (SL) is where I really wanted to be, THIS (SL) was where I was appreciated, needed. But no...that was not a correct assertion. Because each time I chose SL over RL, I sacrificed just a little more of my sanity. Just a little more of my time, just a little more of my energy, just a little more of my effort - for what? FOR NOTHING. I have only lost...not gained, well, unless you count pain and hurt - I gained plenty of that.

Well, no...you know, now that I think about it, that's actually not completely true. That's a frustrated-at-myself Stephanie talking. Positive-outlook Stephanie says that I DID gain a few things. I gained perspective. I gained friendship. I gained respect in some people's eyes. I gained control over my behavior and pride in myself again. I gained contentment with my life and what I have. I gained experience in human nature and learned that not everyone on this earth is here for the same reasons I am - and not everyone is who they say they are.

Personally, I found a healthy balance in my SL behaviors and attitudes by taking that first week off over a month ago - cold turkey. Very quickly after removing myself from SL I started communicating with people who brought me back to reality faster than a bucket of cold water could be poured onto my head. That first week was so hard. OMG so difficult. You know though, so early on I was feeling absolutely positive about my departure. I started feeling better almost immediately. And what I have gained by leaving is the knowledge that I don't need a virtual world in order to cope with my real world. Things that I felt were "better" in SL were NOT better. You can't even begin to compare virtual ANYTHING with real anything. There is NO comparison to a beautiful day...the wind in your face and a blanket on the grass with a spectacular picnic lunch. There is no comparison between a virtual hug and feeling someones flesh-and-bone arms encircle you and hold you. There is no comparison for a real conversation occurring between two people, heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul. Tears are shed and feelings are exchanged. You cannot compare that. You just can't.

I found the things in RL I loved and did them again. I took deep breaths and smiled and unplugged and recharged and in the mix, I somehow managed to get to a point where now SL is just a creative way to spend a few spare minutes I might have. I still miss my friends there, but I catch up with them by telephone or when I log in I chat with them or leave a note for them to read when they next log on. I don't let SL drama bother me or affect me - and I have pushed the pain out. Some days I still hurt. I have to believe that's normal. But you can't begin to heal until you face the hurt head-on.

If you're still struggling with obsession in Second Life and you're looking for help, I have listed resources and included blog entries but there is absolutely no substitute for telling the people around you that love you that you need help. Be honest with them and most of all, be honest with yourself. I'm not a specialist. I am not a counselor. I don't even know what right I have to write about all of this - other than the fact that experience is the best lesson I guess. But for those of you who come back and read this blog every day and have shared your own personal stories of leaving or not caring as much about SL anymore with me privately...we can do great things when we band together and make a unanimous choice to make ourselves better.

I owe several people this song as a dedication (not to mention a Higher Power who I went to in prayer day after day, looking for peace). Every friend I ignored in RL or put off for another day rather than getting together with them and being close. My little girl - for every time I said "no" or "maybe later" to her when she wanted to play with me and I should have said "yes". For every time I ignored what J. said to me or asked of me in favor of blowing him off and doing what I wanted to do - no matter where we are in our relationship, I owed you more than that. For my newest friend from halfway across the world who bent over backwards and wrote books for emails telling me that I could overcome my experiences in SL and listing more reasons than I ever imagined I could have. For people who came back in-world to help pull me up and out. For people who stopped everything to pray FOR me and WITH me - in RL and SL. For ALL of you - I am still talking out my feelings and discovering why I went there in the first place. Still finding out which parts of me needed that self-actualization, that feeling of being around people who were like-minded and finding ways to feed all of that in real life instead. I am still on a journey of learning, of discovering and of realizing things about myself every day. All of you together who have been there for me - you are the reason I am still here. You are the reason I love myself now more than before. You are the reason I found the strength to change things about myself that I was very unhappy with. Thank you all so so much. I love each one of you.

Overcoming Obsession with Things in Second Life

2010-03-27T06:15:00.000-07:00

I don't think there is a single person who creates their first avatar and DOESN'T go Free-Shopping crazy. :) It's just what we do. We check in, we get our first shapes and bodies and clothes and we think we are SOOOOO great looking! Heels, gowns, pants, shirts, vehicles, furniture, games, dresses, jeans...omg the list is ENDLESS. At first, we think so highly of all of these freebies and we can't wait to go shopping for more. As we spend more time in SL, we find these free things are pretty lame compared to the stuff you can get that's better made, better designed, better looking in general. There's where the obsession over THINGS can come in.

I personally have an affinity for lovely things. I would like nothing more to live in a brick cottage by the ocean - you know, one of those Tudor style buildings, and fill it with polished tables and the kind of couches and chairs you sink into. I would like a piano of course (even though I can barely bang out Heart and Soul) and I would like incredibly breathtaking rugs and silver bowls filled with fresh flowers. Everything would look like it came out of a magazine and everything would smell like a combination of lemon wood polish, freshly mown grass, old (but not musty) wood and slight undertones of sweet-smelling pipe tobacco. :) Instead, my house in RL usually smells like dog and a faint odor of whatever meal I last cooked. Oh, and probably some faint undertones of coffee.

One of the things I enjoy doing in SL is decorating...making things look pretty gives me a certain kind of peace and comfort. I enjoy it because it becomes an escape. I can leave the dirty dishes behind and look at flowing curtains (which I love) instead of mini-blinds (which I don't really care for). I can look at white poofy couches that never get dirty from puppy paws and crayons or markers rather than my own mossy-shaded couch with the constantly spinning wooden foot that has the screw threads broken on it. A week ago when I was baking all those muffins for E.'s school, I stayed up until O-Dark-Thirty and I was on SL just putting things inside little spaces in my dining room - on my china hutch and in my large bookcase. Little framed pictures of friends, a silver bowl, vases, crystal... all just prim wasters in some people's minds - but for me, each piece I put down made me smile. No one tells me how I can and can't decorate in SL. No one says "no open blinds, no plants, no candles, no breakables" and so I just go nuts - adding more and more things that I love. And then I look at it and I smile. I don't feel as if I have accomplished anything significant other than making a little space in my life look a little more beautiful. But in a way, that's enough.

At one point in SL, I was pretty obsessed with things. Hair - omg, I could go on and on about the hair. I couldn't stop shopping for hair! As much as I liked making my surroundings look good, Crystallyn was the biggest part of my surroundings - so she had to ALWAYS look impeccable...and hair is a big part of that. Damselfly, Tiny Bird, Magika, TRUTH, every type of hair designer - I would look at "hair fairs" and swap good hair Landmarks with friends. The nice thing about hair is that it's almost always CHEAP. Even the best quality hair at Damselfly can be bought for only 250L. Then there was skin...I didn't change my skin very often - until recently when I made a new friend (a shape designer) who taught me all about body shapes and skins. We would spend time going shopping for killer-sale skins. It was great...being able to change your appearance with a single click...tanned skin or skin as white as ivory - whichever type you felt like wearing. I was never one to change my body style very often. I think I have only had two or three my entire time in SL. I liked how my shape looked from the start. AND, besides that, I was a little afraid of getting in too deep with the skin/body thing because of something that happened to me early-on in my SL experience.

I think it was maybe my fourth month in and I was getting ready to go out to a club event with a couple of my closest friends. I was getting rapid-fire notices from the club that the theme was "Hot or Not" that night. I decided I would go dressed as "not" - and I figured I would dig deep into my freebie selection to accomplish that. I decided I would try some sort of masculine nerd look. I started going through all my folders and found one called "Paul" - at four months into SL, I knew just enough about it to be dangerous and not enough to take the precautions in advance to make sure if I ever lost my skin or shape by accident, I could find them again. Well, sometimes icons in folders look like one thing when they are actually another. This was something I wasn't really clear on yet. I went into that Paul folder and clicked on striped pants. OMG, they were hideous. I grabbed the shirt to go with them. Then I took off my hair (I was planning to go bald) and I clicked on something that just said "Paul" and HOLY COW...my entire shape and skin changed! Gone was pretty Crystallyn and in her place stood a HUGE AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN WITH A 'FRO. I almost cried I was so shocked, but I decided to laugh at myself instead. What else can you do when something like that happens? I gave myself a last-once-over and teleported to the club where my friends were already dancing. We all laughed until we almost wet our pants. It was just hysterical. I started talking like some of the men that run around in SL with amorous intentions but who have a bit of a language barrier when it comes to speaking English. These were the kinds of guys I ran into early-on in my Second Life experience, generally in noob areas. They would say things like "Hey pretty girl, you are fine, yes?" and "You want my body, yes?" Well, I imitated them and everyone in the club who had experiences with these types of guys themselves just erupted into laughter and even the host and DJ were cracking up. It was one of the funniest experiences I had in SL and it was a total accident - then I looked at the clock and realized I was about 10 minutes from having a meeting with some very serious friends who wanted to discuss organizing some events in the sim I lived in. OMG. Fear and panic struck me. I had NO IDEA how to get back to looking like Crystallyn. I don't think I ever got back to looking JUST like I did before that day...but eventually I looked even better...so I guess in the long run, it was a lesson - and a funny one at that!

I did have a problem with obsessing over hearing back from builders or creators when I bought something that I was not pleased with. If it broke or looked funky or I accidentally lost it, I would wait and wait and wait and tap my little virtual foot (and sometimes my real foot) - waiting to hear back and get my repaired/recreated item. Several times I commissioned items to be made just by my specifications. Nothing too earth-shattering, a couple of wardrobes/closets, a swing,a couch...and a house once. I just know what I like and I want what I like - and SL offers that to people. But there were times I felt I was going overboard. Once I saw something, I had to have it. For me, it might have been hair or a Dinner Party Kitchen. For others, it can be more dark and frightening items. There are things you can buy in SL that would curl your hair...and then straighten it back.

Obsession with things just basically extends the time you spend in SL. You spend more and more time there because you don't realize that you will never buy enough things to have everything just perfect. There are always new things and new looks, new hair and new kitchens. You have to walk away to realize that spending real money on things that don't exist seems just a little silly. Of course, it leaks out to other places now. The Virtual Goods market is exploding in places like Facebook now where people spend REAL money on crops and buildings for their farm in Farmville or super-cute clothes for their animals in Petville.

Thankfully, I have been able to easily say NO to buying virtual items anywhere except SL. But I have several good friends who have farms on Facebook that they are absolutely proud of that may have cost them somewhere on the order of $30 USD or even more. It's absolutely their right and their choice to do it, and if you think about it, $30 over an extended period of time wouldn't amount to much more than a coffee drink at Starbucks a few times over. If they want to skip having a cup of coffee and build a chicken coop, GO TO IT! It only becomes a problem when obsession rears its ugly head. Just don't think you can make obsession look better by adding some Damselfly hair and Pretty Feet heels to it. It just doesn't work that way.

I am a huge Weird Al fan. I admit it. I am reminded of this song - very Real Life though, and not so Second Life. In Second Life, you CAN have whatever you want. In Real Life you have to be a bit more realistic. You can always count on Al to give us realistic when we need it.

Overcoming Obsession in Relationships in Second Life

2010-03-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Relationships in Second Life are a slippery slope.

First, let me clarify that when I use the word "Relationships", I am referring to any type of relationship. This could be a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker (in-world), a stranger, a partner or a lover. Or in the case of Second Life, where one person can actually be ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Relationships in SL are vibrant and violent, varied and volatile...and the entire spectrum in between those descriptive V-words. You can meet people that become best friends for life and you can meet people who can become your worst nightmare. Having a relationship (romantic or platonic) with someone in Second Life gets very tricky because it almost always ends up getting intensely personal. You may try and keep it "SL Only" but when you share triumphs and tragedies with the people behind the avatar pixels (daily, in many cases), you learn so much about the other person that you are connecting with because you start out your communications with them on a mind-to-mind level, rather than putting any social or physical variables into play. Many times you tell people more about your day, more about your problems, more about your worries, more about your inner-most thoughts and more about your heartaches than you would even tell your best friend or spouse in Real Life. Based on this information, you can see how obsession in relationships in SL would be quite common. It can even turn into a very serious issue for some people...obsessing over where people are and what people are doing when you're not around. That's where trust comes in. In Second Life, if you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship.

Rather than being honest with someone and tell them how you actually feel about them, some people pretend to log off to avoid talking to someone when they are actually still online...and it says right on their profile "online" - this only causes heartaches for the "other person" who really feels very rejected (obviously) when something like this occurs. Back when I was an avid profile-reader (I gave up profile reading a month ago when I first decided to leave SL - I felt it was just making things harder for me personally because I was looking at them obsessively - and my sole reason for making a break from SL was to get healthy - I don't ever want to fall into obsessive or addictive patterns again), I saw profiles with statements like "just tell me if you aren't interested in talking to me, I'm not dumb - I know whether you're online or not". A full measure of honesty from each person in the relationship PLUS a serious willingness to be upfront with people is definitely necessary in SL. People can't gauge your emotions through an avatar. Words you type have NO inflection. If you are trying to get a point across to someone in conversation you need to remember that they can't tell if you're serious or joking. Things you say can be misconstrued, mistyped or misunderstood.

I have been looking into obsession in relationships lately - especially since taking a break from SL - because I felt that there was a direct correlation between the addiction and obsession. Obsession in relationships in RL and SL can be very ugly and painful for everyone involved, and it has a ripple-effect. Essentially making a lot of people experience hurt and pain. If you have a situation where you have been involved in a situation like this, you can understand this clearly. If not, count yourself lucky.

I discovered this incredible web page with information about an Obsessive Love Wheel. The different levels of obsession here don't have to apply to just love interests though, they could apply to friends or working partners too. According to the page (which is chock-full of great information), there are four phases of Obsessive Love. These are: Attraction, Anxious, Obsessive and Destructive. I decided to put one example of each below. Please visit the page for even more information.

Attraction Phase: unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with someone, assigning "magical" qualities to them (this is very easy to do in SL where almost everyone has a magical quality of "perfectness" assigned to them physically by Linden Labs when they first log in, unless they choose to reshape themselves to a different form.)

Anxious Phase: unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities (this could also apply to people who are builders or business owners and team up with another person in SL.)

Obsessive Phase: physical or electronic monitoring of someones activities (this is easy to achieve in SL - there are entire businesses based on monitoring or spying on others and this can include everything from tracking them as they go from sim to sim to even capturing their words in local chat and saving them somewhere - I know that the latter is a violation of privacy in SL, but that doesn't stop people from doing it anyway.)

Destructive Phase: extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred (another example of something that can apply to any type of relationship in SL.)

I also read this fantastic blog post about addictive and obsessive behaviors when related to meeting and establishing relationships with others in MMORPG's. I thought it was particularly intriguing when I read her take on psychology and gaming with regards to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. We all have emotional needs that we want filled. If those aren't being filled in our every day lives, it just stands to reason that we would search for those needs to be satisfied any way we can. INTERPERSONAL ACCEPTANCE...we instinctively desire to be near those who understand us. It is absolutely human nature to seek out people who give us comfort and who understand why we feel certain things. Again, this is where honesty and trust mean so much. As I mentioned in an earlier post, people pretend to be all sorts of things in SL. You take a risk anytime you loan a piece of you out to someone else in either life, but I would argue that the hurt that can be caused between two individuals who are so close on a mind-to-mind level can be far more damaging psychologically.

My opinion is that when a relationship is obviously obsessive and becomes detrimental to others involved - either those directly or indirectly effected, it should either end completely or be repaired to a point where everyone benefits again, provided they ever did at any point. In cases where it's not possible, you have to take a step back, have faith that things will be okay and move on down the next path in your life. Have faith in your friends who continue to stand behind you and beside you. Have faith in whatever makes you feel positive and strong. Most of all, have faith in YOURSELF.

For some reason, this song has been stuck in my head since I started considering which song to end my blog post with. It's a beautiful song.

Taking a break from obsession for a day...

2010-03-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

...because it's my blog and I can. And because I needed to talk about blessings.

Today was "one of those days". Like everyone else, some days I fight pain and aches in my heart that really just makes me feel like I want to crawl into a ball inside myself and just cry. On days like these, I feel like I need my soul fed. I usually remember to count my blessings, but sometimes I forget how many I have.

Tonight, after an extremely busy day at work where I managed to miss taking a lunch break and pretty-much just work 9 hours straight, I realized it was Wednesday - and that means church night. So I wasn't able to just go home and relax - I kept my work clothes on and raced home prepared to turn right around and go. Instead, we were late for the soup supper because when I got home I lay down on the couch and cuddled with E. for a bit. She smoothed my hair and comforted me - patting my shoulder and saying "it'll be okay momma" and "poor momma". I have to admit, her sweet spirit and tender love for me caused me to get a little teary - and then Berg the dog sat next to us and he licked my face dry. It hasn't been easy for any of us lately with certain things in our lives - and E's been absolutely incredible. My struggles to carry shouldnt ever be HER struggles - she's far too young to take any of that on. But my strong, stable and thoughtful little girl continues to teach me lessons in caring for others and parenting upwards. Feeling cared for and at peace, I quickly passed out into a dead sleep. I don't even remember falling asleep - I just closed my eyes and I was out. I awoke a few minutes later and then fell back asleep again. A few minutes after that, I dragged myself up off the couch and we headed out the door to church. For just a moment I seriously considered not going. I prayed about it briefly and I felt strongly that I needed to go - as tired as I was, I needed my soul fed more than I needed rest.

We left the house at about 6:10 and the soup supper before Lenten service started at 6:15. By the time we made it to church, I was reminded of the parable of the loaves and fishes. There were a LOT of people and only three big crocks for holding soup. I walked over and there was just the tiniest bit of Chicken Noodle Soup leftover. I poured that into a bowl for E. and grabbed her a few of the cookies on the counter and one of the church members found a bag with some tortilla chips and I made her a little cup of lemonade with the tiny bit left in the bottom of the pitcher and mixed it with water. I wished so much that I could have made everything stretch a bit further, but we were so late that I had to wash a bowl in order to make sure she had something to eat. There was just nothing I could do. I toyed with getting up and leaving church with her right then to take us both out for something more substantial, but I remembered the prayer I made before leaving the house and I was there for one reason: for my soul to be fed.

A short time later after E. finished eating, we headed into the sanctuary. It's very relaxed on Wednesday nights and the choir was busy practicing for Easter services. E. went looking for a few friends to play with while I sat and listened and jotted down a few notes. I immediately felt emotional again - and wiped my eyes - making sure no one around me saw any signs of tears. I excused myself to the restroom to put some cold water on my face. I was so torn. I knew emotionally I could break down if someone so much as looked at me funny - or if the topic for the discussion tonight was something that hit too close to home. I don't LIKE going to church and being an emotional basket-case. I really just wanted to go to find some peace. For the third time, I questioned my motives for being there in the first place and had to remind myself why I was there.

As I sat back down, I looked at my handout and my eyes widened. I saw that the NOOMA video we would be watching and discussing today was "RICH". Oh boy. The reading BEFORE the video was about being richly blessed by God. Oh boy. I was feeling anything BUT richly blessed today. After the first song and the scripture reading, Pastor played the NOOMA video. All I can say is WOW. That Rob Bell guy who does these videos has a way of grabbing my attention from the moment the lights dim until he's done speaking. I am usually in a daze immediately afterwards too. It's absolutely astonishing the ability he has to make me stop everything and realize my own shortcomings and where I lack the ability to be grateful for everything. The video started running through the idea that we in America are the rich people that the Bible talks about.

"Command those who are rich not to put their hope in wealth, but to put our hope in God who richly provides us with everything". Immediately I was reminded when I most needed reminding. EVERYTHING I have is a gift. Regardless of what's going on in my life, I am STILL so richly blessed. And there it was. My soul felt fed. Peace was restored in my heart. God was there in the midst of everything and He continues to be there for me, always.

I drove to church in my car. That makes me richer than 92% of the world. I had clean drinking water this morning with my almonds and dried fruit. That makes me richer than somewhere around a billion people in the world. I took my salad ingredients to work and ate my lunch in between calls and meetings. That makes me richer than the 800 million who didn't even eat today -and a full 300 million of those 800 million are children.

Food? Gift. Clothes? Gift. Roof? Gift. That breath I just took? Gift.

I am so richly blessed, I just needed a reminder about that. I have been given gifts that so many around the world don't have. Nothing like an eye-opening realization that in spite of my struggles and my frustrations, I am still far more BLESSED than so many others on this earth.

This song has been running through my head this evening.

The Indigo Girls - Secure Yourself

One of the principles my Dad always talked about as I was growing up was God's directions to Abraham - YOU ARE BLESSED TO BE A BLESSING. I hope and pray that I was a blessing to someone else today and that I will be a blessing to someone else tomorrow. Here's hoping each and every one of you is a blessing to someone else, too. :)

Overcoming Obsession with Second Life

2010-03-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

Phew. Most of today when my mind WASN'T on about a million other things, I kept thinking that I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this blog idea about obsession. I could go sooooo many different places with this and I really want to do it justice - not just throw a bunch of crap out there and see if it sticks or slides. So here goes.

Obsession with ANYTHING is pretty unhealthy. Ask Mr. Webster. The definition of "obsessed" is:

OBSESSION
–noun
1.the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2.the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3.the state of being obsessed.
4.the act of obsessing.

I can't think of many things that would be good to obsess about when I think of the word in these terms.

There are plenty of examples of obsession in Second Life and other online games. One of the most recent examples is that of a couple who met online and had a baby in real life and also had one in a virtual world (there are many versions of this article, some articles list Second Life as the virtual world, others list a different MMORPG called "Prius" as the culprit). Apparently, the couple was too busy with their online lives - spending upwards of 12 hours daily in-world - to feed their baby in real life. Their baby - the living, breathing infant - died of malnutrition in September. The parents, rather than actually feed the baby, would just leave it in the apartment as they went to Internet Cafes to live out the virtual lives they created there. A very, very drastic example of obsession. It didn't even matter to them that they had a child together in the real world - all that mattered was being online.

Obsession in its clearest form is simply an unhealthy behavior. Overcoming it, however, can be exceedingly difficult. Obsession over a "game" may sound insane to someone. I am living proof that it IS possible though. And other people are starting to take it seriously too.

Newsweek recently had a journalist write an article about the journalist's brother who is homeless. His day consists of waking up in a tent, using foodstamps to buy a microwavable lunch and then heading to the local university computer lab that's open to everyone. He spends the next 12 hours online...in Second Life and in other MMORPG's. This is what he does with his life. He is an able-bodied man who COULD work and COULD be a productive member of society, yet he chooses this life this way - in a tent in a makeshift hobo-camp, sucking society dry and taking handouts. How much pride can there be in that?

There have been some interesting blog posts from individuals who have found themselves in an obsessive relationship with Second Life. This blog , written by a professional man in his 40's, talks about how he almost lost his job, his home and his wife and family due to his addiction/obsession with Second Life. One of the quotes I took from his 4-part series of blog entries. He was discussing "conditioning" which is the idea psychotherapists are tossing around that the brain loves to associate things. So depending what you "get off" on (sex, shopping, meeting new people, making new conquests in relationships, building some great new thing to sell, selling in general and making money in-world), your brain's response is to group your computer into the category of "pleasure" and therefore causing your brain to keep you at a state of perpetual arousal. As "dylan" writes so eloquently:

"That explained to me why SL always seemed to give me a kick, even when I was alone on my sky platform building things or scripting. That low-level arousal I felt all the time I spent in SL certainly produced a sort of substance addiction that was one of the factors that kept me hooked."

So if you're still there and you're still hooked - just know that it's NOT YOU. I mean, it's not *only* you. I believe that there are tens of thousands of other people there all feeling this "low level arousal" that Dylan talks about. They aren't all trying to hunt other people down to have sex with their avatars, but they are there because their brains are convinced that this makes them feel good. And, if something feels good and you're not hurting anybody, why would you ever stop? But the problem there is that all too often, people get hurt. People that you may not mean to hurt. And YOU get hurt. The longer you stay obsessed, addicted and habit-driven about Second Life, the more likely you are to hurt yourself too. In any NUMBER of ways. Losing your home, your family, your life as you know it - all of these things have happened to Second Life addicts. And much, much more.

So, now, how do you overcome it?

1. Be honest with yourself and start looking for help.
Are you truly obsessed and addicted? Take this test if you're not sure. Just be honest with your answers...no matter how much it might hurt as you answer the questions. You might really be surprised at the results. I know I was initially. Thankfully, today is day 30 for my blog - and I started it as I made my decision to leave SL. I have overcome leaps and bounds with my addiction - and I attribute that to my honesty here about my pain and addiction.

2. Start withdrawing...at least for a little while.
Take a chunk of time to yourself to unplug. For me, this was so extremely difficult but because I did, I can now go days and days without logging on. I don't feel like I am cheating myself in any way. I feel like life has gotten so much better and I don't feel like a zombie anymore and I don't feel so depressed. Like Dylan said above - when your brain makes your computer tell you everything's all better each time you log on, it becomes a serious habit that has to be broken. For me, cold turkey - at least temporarily - was the answer. I had a lot of support from my friends and family - so that made things much easier than they could have been. If you live alone, there are support groups out there. OLGANON is one place you can go for support - they even have a live 24/7 chat room and a couple of users are there most of the time. I know, because I have used the chatroom and talked with the other users personally. They even have local meet-ups in some areas! You're NOT alone...just remember that.

3. Make a list of all the reasons why this really IS the best choice for you.
Are you addicted now? Wish you weren't? Are you not really sure but you think you might be? When was the last time you felt PROUD of yourself? Let me give you a little insight into what recovery is like...IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN FEELING LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME. You will have withdrawal symptoms (at least I did) and you might even regret your choice at first, but I am here to tell you that getting lots of sleep, plugging back into reality and having the ability to sit down on the couch and watch a movie with your family without OBSESSIVELY checking your phone or emails for messages (TIP: TURN OFF THE IM'S TO YOUR EMAIL!!!) and always feeling like you can't wait to get back online IS SO FREEING. Every day now I feel as if I have been given back the gift of my life. I have made realizations that have been startling about my time in SL. What a complete and utter waste some of my time there was.

4. Just repeat this mantra to yourself "If I am looking for something real to fill a void in my life, it does NOT make sense to look for it in a fake world"
As much as we wish we all had perfect homes, perfect lives, perfect clothes, perfect bodies, perfect partners, perfect EVERYTHING...perfection does not exist. The satisfaction of searching for, finding and capturing something that fills a void in your real life is SO SATISFYING. You may have forgotten what it feels like. You may think it won't ever happen for you. You must push these negative thoughts away. You need to believe in yourself and your ability to achieve mental health. You just HAVE to.

I know this is an extremely long blog post. I am sorry about that, but I felt very strongly like I needed to do such a serious topic justice. I know that some people might think I am being preachy or that I want to ruin their fun time. The honest truth is that when I was in-world, I met a lot of people that could use a hand out of the mud and the muck that is SL. I would really want someone else to do this for me - and, in fact, someone did. It only took ONE PERSON to create an avatar (me) and enter SL for the first time. It took more than a dozen people - supporting, loving, counseling, listening and embracing me to help me get myself out. I owe a lot of debts of thanks right now to a lot of people. For me, this is the best way I can pay it forward. I have already heard from so many people I used to spend time with in SL. They are encouraging me to keep writing, to keep going, to keep talking, to keep sharing my feelings. And ultimately, this blog IS my recovery process. I have embraced my faults, I have embraced my weaknesses and there is only one way for me to go from here - and that's UP.

This post has also been extremely serious. I am not a very serious person by nature. I tend to laugh and joke a lot. When I was thinking about this post today and what I was going to write, as serious as this topic is, I couldn't get this episode of Ren & Stimpy out of my mind. Imagine my joy when I found the exact portion I wanted to show you all on YouTube (YAY!) but realized that the embedding had been disabled by request (OH NOES!)! It demonstrates how I feel about SECOND LIFE MADNESS (or, SLM for short). SLM a term I have invented for that place where I feel a lot of people who are obsessed live in their mind with regards to their behaviors in-world. They are so caught up with what they think is important about the virtual world, that the real world (and the way they should act in the real world) kind of becomes an afterthought to them. These people reconcile their inappropriate, irrational, illogical and hurtful behaviors to themselves and others because when you have SLM, your mind becomes twisted and you can easily lose sight of ethics, character and the values that people in the real world live by daily. You make choices, you say things and you act as if the laws of human nature do not apply to you or the things you say and do. Hence, Second Life Madness. The good news is...this goes away when you break the cycle of logging on. The bad news? Well, you have to come to terms with your behavior - the things you did to hurt other people while you were so engrossed in Second Life will still be there when you eventually do climb out. If you take nothing else from this blog post, please at LEAST take that thought with you. This can not only be sobering, it can be shocking and sad too. You may owe a lot of people an apology. If you're lucky, they will forgive you. If you're not so lucky, well...at least you will have removed yourself from the situation and the hurt you have caused others AND yourself will be over.

The clip is called "Space Madness"...enjoy!

OBSESSION (for Monday)

2010-03-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

Suppose I tell you that there's a party going on in a virtual world and you are invited. Don't worry about how you look, you always look great there. Don't worry about what you have to wear - everything is free or pretty cheap. Don't worry about a date - there are TONS of other people there. I can't PROMISE you'll have a good time, but it's happening...you should totally go. Would you answer:

a. People? Great clothes? Interaction? I must attend. I will literally die if I do not attend. I MUST GO.
b. A party huh? Hmmm...do I have to meet new people? I'm interested...
c. A party where? With what? Oh, sorry, I have a lot going on...I am just not sure I can spare the time right now.

The correct answer for a reasonable human being should be B. or C. and last month by the time I decided I had enough of SL taking over my life, I would have probably run screaming. If you asked me the same question today, I would probably say C - but before I got my head screwed back on straight, it would have been "A" all the way. I love a chance to meet and hang with friends and even make new friends.

There is a small place in my life for SL right now...connecting with friends that I really care about when we run out of time to email and need to talk one-on-one, or giving the creative parts of my brain a chance to run amok by decorating or photographing and also allowing myself the pleasure of continuing to edit and proofread here and there. I am not the best writer on the planet - I never claimed to be...but if I see a grammer error, I like correcting it. :) Plus I have established a great relationship with my publisher boss-lady. I enjoy hearing from her and getting work from her. For me, SL is now a controllable distraction where I can spend a few minutes, a half hour - whatever - and then walk away completely free of the time .

It was not always that way for me, however. There was a time not too long ago that I was completely OBSESSED. And I mean that in the most dire sense of the word. Somewhere in the mix of obsession, addiction and habit is where I got caught up in Second Life. I have discussed addiction previously and I have touched on the idea of SL being a habit in the past too - but I haven't really talked about obsession - although it has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I think this week I will tackle that. In a rough sketch,

* overcoming obsession with SL itself
* overcoming obsession with relationships in SL
* overcoming obsession with things in SL
* finding a balance between obsession and healthy behaviors and attitudes

Now, a little song about obsession. Embedding was disabled, so I have to include it as a link here.

A very wonderful day

2010-03-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

This morning did not start as a very wonderful day. I woke up tired and by the time E. and me were on our way to sunday school, my head was killing me. After sunday school (which was WONDERFUL), I headed home - stopping at the store for a few minutes to grab a few things and then immediately started turning a few-days-old loaf of Challah bread into a ginormous batch of french toast. The house smelled like coffee, maple syrup and bacon and yummy french toast and my three advil started to work and by noon the day was absolutely wonderful.

After a quick weekly meeting in-world with the SECOND TIMES crew, I grabbed my purse and raced off alone to the mall for some retail therepy. One of my favorite stores was having a 40% off sale - on EVERYTHING in the store. I picked up some great things there - ran into my mother and the saleswoman who my mother always visits with was so excited to see me - I hadn't been in there awhile. "I didn't even RECOGNIZE you Stephanie, you look incredible" - *BEAM* Then I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and she said "OMG, you look amazing - how much weight have you lost now??!!"... it always feels SO SUPER to get those little emotional boosts...and it always feels incredible to try on every single thing I like and have it fit - and then to have to decide which things I want versus which things I can afford - NOT which things fit. :)

I grabbed a few more things at another store and went by the salon on the way out for some waxin', some clippin', some stylin' and YAY - the cutest new hairstyle ever! I have been growing my hair out for SO LONG and now it's the most wonderful little A-line curly cut, stacked short in the back with super-healthy roots and ends and it feels and looks just terrific. There's just no comparison to prim hair and pants I have to double-click on to wear. There's just such a sense of pride and joy I have to look like I do now. :) I look at pictures of myself from a while ago and I just feel so good about the changes that have happened in my life. I just love me...I love how I look. And it just keeps getting BETTER. That's the most wonderful part.

I stopped for a coffee on the way home and just smiled and smiled. I came home and threw the shopping bags on the bed where they are STILL SITTING and then started cleaning like a crazy woman - which included folding about a zillion things of E's while Berg the dog sat in my lap and licked my face. I think he liked the taste of the hair products from the salon. Tomorrow starts full time at work and I have to work even MORE things into my packed schedule.

After a late dinner, I am about to head into my closet for a while and try and get some outfits organized in time for tomorrow morning. I am SUPER sleepy and just ready to curl up into a ball and hibernate for hours. This song brought me a lot of comfort over last summer when I was losing weight so fast that I almost didn't recognize myself from day to day when I looked in a mirror. I am so much more proud of who I see staring back at me these days...even more than I was a few months ago. It's a long road still to get where I want to be - but WOW, what a wonderful journey. My reflection is really starting to show who I am inside. :)

A Swift Dose of Reality

2010-03-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I spent most of this morning in the gym at my daughter's school. I walked back and forth between those large 10 feet cafeteria tables - the kind with those little plastic seats attached, each table covered in haphazardly folded clothes in all different children's sizes, mostly organized.

I watched my child run in between the tables, weaving in and out like they were a makeshift maze. Her little friend following her, they wound their way outside into the bright sunlight to play on the playground while the people mingled in between the different batches of gently used clothing. I closed my eyes for a moment, just grateful to have my baby girl. Little pink cheeks, beautiful inquisitive eyes and SUCH a bright future. I felt so positive - so hopeful - surrounded by a room full of teachers, children of all ages and parents...the sense of community was overwhelming - as it generally is at her school.

Then SHE walked into the room. The little girl that has forever changed my perspective about what reality is.

We all have problems in our lives. We all have struggles we need to learn how to overcome. I can't imagine many more struggles that could be more painful than what this little angel deals with every day she opens her eyes. But I am getting ahead of myself.

At first glace, I wasn't exactly sure if I was looking at a girl or a boy. About four and a half feet tall, this child skidded right past me. I watched as she bounded toward the school principal...half hopping with excitement. I overheard the child say "I brought my FAMILY" and I turned to look closely at the others following her. An older hispanic woman and two little girls trailed behind this exhuberant child - and I looked back in her direction and studied her face and clothes closer. I saw burgandy boots with heels - my cue that she was indeed a GIRL. I saw purple leggings and a purple hooded sweatshirt in a different shade - one that actually clashed quite garishly with the leggings. The girl was completely ambivilant about the clothing she was wearing, or the fact that they were smattered with dirt and had some holes here and there.

She stood completely erect - something so few people do - so I noticed it right off. I was struck by what a presence she established for herself in the room. And I was also amazed with how people responded to her. Each teacher came over to hug her and tell her hello. She responded with a huge bright smile that showed her crooked teeth. I looked closer at her hair - quite obviously short, coarse and curly - and her sweet freckles. As a mom, I wanted to reach out and hug her because for some reason I felt like she needed it. She looked proud and strong and unashamed of her obvious poverty and that made me want to squeeze the stuffing out of her.

Shortly after the last teacher greeted her, she began walking towards the tables. I reached out to her - saying "hello, can I help you find some clothes?" and she smiled at me...and I will never forget her face OR her response. "WOULD YOU REALLY!?!?" I smiled my response and said "OF COURSE I WILL!" We scoured the piles of clothes looking for jeans, shorts, tee shirts, sweatshirts - we found the COOLEST pair of levi's for her - only slightly used - and a really adorable black shirt that looked layered. Black pirate skull and crossbones and another black shirt over the top of it. Her eyes lit up when I found a tinkerbell shirt a few minutes later - and a second right behind it. She immediately let me hold clothes up next to her...she wasn't a bit shy. She seemed instead to eat up any attention and reward it with endearing looks of love and devotion. I was absolutely smitten with her. We shopped together for awhile, filling a few bags with clothes for her to take home. She walked over to the people she came in with to show them the things she found and I stole a moment to speak with the principal. I had to know more about this young girl.

"Oh, she has my heart" the principal said. "Really? Why? What's her story?" I inquired. A slight, sad chuckle escaped the principal as she said "Stephanie, that little girl is the product of a rape. Her mom decided to keep her when she got pregnant, and now she can't stand the sight of her. She lives with her grandma and grandpa in a single-wide mobile home. Her mother had several other kids too - all by different fathers. The other children are all related to her only by her mom. A younger sister, brother and an even younger sister are all in the trailer with them. Her mom decided to move them all in there after the newest guy she was dating got her pregnant and decided he didn't want any other children other than his own child - which the mom JUST decided to give up for adoption. The mom is still with the newest guy but can't be bothered to take the children back - they're both drug addicts. Oh, and the grandmother is currently suffering from the final stages of aggresive breast cancer. She's the glue that holds the family together - I struggle to think of what that little girl's life will be like if she doesn't make it."

I turned to face the wall so no one else could see my tears. This girl, this strong little girl who had the power to capture the attention of an entire room and steal MY heart (and who knows how many OTHER people's) immediately...THIS girl had experienced more pain and heartache in her nine years than any human being should. I cleared my throat and blinked my tears away and said "You know, I could pack up the leftover muffins for the family" and the principal said "Oh, what a GREAT idea! I bet they would LOVE that!" So off I rushed to the teacher's lounge where we were storing purses, coffee and muffins - and grabbed the basket of muffins and quickly raced into the cafeteria kitchen in search of plastic wrap. I quickly wrapped the muffins and sealed them up as I said a quick prayer for everyone who would eat them and then I blinked tears away again. As a mom, I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her and feed her and love her and tell her that everything would be okay. As a stranger, I had to be okay with muffins and my time shopping with her as all I could do for now.

I walked back out into the gym and handed that little angel the leftover muffins, wishing instead it was a stack of money, a key to my house - anything other than some stupid muffins that would really make no difference in her life. She said "Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH" and I told her she was very welcome.

THIS EXPERIENCE was an eye-opener. This girl's reality is not a virtual world with pixilated houses, clothing, furniture and childish, imaginary drama fabricated by broken and damaged individuals who are so lost "in world" that they have misplaced their actual sense of reality. HER life - HER REALITY is the worst type of reality imaginable - and she manages to smile and thank me for MUFFINS. And to be so thankful for what amounted to 20 minutes or so of my time...my life. It was a sobering thought, to think of all the time I have wasted on a virtual world when so many people in the REAL world need help and love to make their reality a better place.

This song, along with this entire blog post, is dedicated to the girl who taught me such a poingnent but important lesson. I pray her life will be touched by more joy than sadness from here on - and that somehow I will be able to do more to help her in the future.

Friday...except it's VERRRY early Saturday

2010-03-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

I am awake at this godforsaken hour baking a zillion cinnamon streusel muffins for E's school "clothing swap" tomorrow! PHEW...the house smells incredible and I have one last batch to transfer to the pretty blue basket I set aside with the lovely Williams Sonoma white-and-blue-striped dishtowel. PRETTY PRETTY. :) It will make all the other volunteer workers happy too! We brought in 40 items to trade, so we get to take 40 items with us tomorrow - here's hoping they have some things! E. could use a new summer wardrobe for FREE.

What a week it has been. E got in trouble for kissing a boy at school this week (he kissed her first) and tomorrow (I must be crazy) I am taking them out on a date. We are going to a 2:00 o'clock movie just E, T (the kissy mormon boy) and his little sister...oh, and me.

I NEED to go pants shopping this weekend too. Monday begins my full-time days at my job...my sweet sweet boss gave us all cash bonuses yesterday and brought in lunch for us as well as offered full-time status to me. I accepted and I also got my Property/Casualty book bound at FedEx/Kinkos Thursday night...so I am ready to start studying my hiney off.

This afternoon when I was driving home from work, I broke down in tears. I was on the phone with my mother and I was explaining what I had planned for the weekend and I said something about shopping for pants and said "because the new ones I ordered were all too big and I got rid of my OTHER too big pants and now I just have a bunch of pants that still don't fit" and for whatever reason, this was just the icing on the cake for me. I started crying - and immediately started apologizing too - "ignore me, I'm fine, I'll be fine"...when in all actuality, I was NOT fine. I was FAR FROM fine. I need to work on being more honest about my emotions sometimes. I tend to want to gloss over my sadness sometimes - maybe because sometimes I would rather be happy and something goes wrong I didn't expect. I know it's 100% okay not to be happy all of the time, it's just that I was so sad for so long - I don't want to waste any more of my life being sad.

It's time already to remove the muffins from the pan and place them into the basket for tomorrow (later this) morning. :) So I will close with a short song - one I find comfort in from time to time....

Owning Blame

2010-03-18T21:17:00.001-07:00

I realize at somewhere along the line, this blog ceases being about Second Life and becomes more about dealing with REAL LIFE issues - but I think that's normal since I am spending so little time in SL now. Although, that said, some of the issues I am still working through have a LOT to do with the time I spent in Second Life and even the people I met there.

Today's blog is about OWNING BLAME. I was on the telephone with an old friend the other day and we got around to this topic. Owning blame simply means taking on the blame others give you or that you yourself have given to you. An example of blaming myself would be "Now Stephanie, you didn't need 2 peanut butter cups...SHAME on you" (:)) and an example of owning blame given by someone else might be more like "It's all your fault that I was late for my appointment, you were in my way".

Blaming someone else (or something else) for your own behavior or actions is absolutely deplorable to me. But then again, I am pretty sensitive to it since it's something I have had to live with for most of my life. There have been MANY times someone has assigned blame to me - and you know what? I took it. I just took it whether it was truly my fault or not. And I am kind of done doing that. I really tire of having something always be my fault.

Let's examine something I was once blamed for: The Ketchup Bottle Was Put Into The Fridge Incorrectly. Okay...let's be logical with this. In the GRAND SCHEME of things, how important is it that a ketchup bottle wasnt placed in a fridge correctly? Does it rank closer to a 1 (for least serious offense) or 10 (for most serious offense)? So logically, let's examine this. Who is the one who decided WHAT the best way for a ketchup bottle to be placed in the fridge is? Was it agreed upon by a concensus? Was it self-determined? And if so, who died and made YOU the ketchup bottle placement police? If not, why so serious? What has it hurt having the bottle 3 inches from where you would rather see it? Does it truly disturb you SO much that you feel the need to make my life hell by blaming me for something that I didn't even know was a problem? And why should *I* even care in the first place. I could seriously care less about where the ketchup bottle is. Is it somewhere in the vicinity of the fridge? Will I see it pretty shortly after opening the door? It's not being cammoflagged by the mustard? It's not being hidden inside something? When people are suffering the world over, WHO THE HELL CARES WHERE THE KETCHUP IS? That is YOUR problem to own. NOT MINE.

Viola, lesson number ONE in NOT OWNING BLAME that doesnt belong to you.

I could go on and on with more examples, but really - most people get the idea here. If a problem belongs to you, don't assign it to someone else. It pisses off the other person, makes no sense logically and makes you look and eventually (hopefully) feel pretty stupid about your behavior.

Donna Cunningham from Donna Cunningham's Blog puts it this way:

"As comforting as it might be to find someone else to hold responsible for our troubles, that strategy won’t work. In the long run, it doesn’t change anything. In fact, refusing to accept and address our own contributions ensures that the problems continue to get worse."

Be mature and be responsible - take a step back before assigning blame and think very hard - DOES THIS BLAME BELONG TO ME OR SOMEONE ELSE? The best thing anyone can do in any situation where there are problems is JUST BE A PART OF THE SOLUTION. Move the ketchup bottle yourself - put it RIGHT where you think it should go - work on a good argument with detailed data about WHY it should go there and walk your partner or friend over the the fridge and show them the bottle. Explain why you feel it needs to be there and why it's important to you. Take the BLAME out of it completely and find a creative way to be a part of the solution.

And, while we're at it...learn to apologize properly. We have ALL done the half-apology. I am a master at it, actually. The "I am so sorry you feel that way" apology - basically telling someone that you're sorry that they are upset - but falling short of telling them that you ARE sorry THAT YOU upset them. And even when you DO apologize to someone in a way that seems right, you can find room for improvement. How much better is the second statement of these two:

1. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I haven’t been sleeping well.”

2. "I’ve been on edge because I haven’t been getting much sleep lately, but it was wrong of me to yell at you and I’m sorry.”

ACCEPT YOUR CONCEQUENCES, RECOVER GRACEFULLY, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND MOVE ON.

If you see yourself as a "blame-ee", from this point forward - DO NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME. Just look the person in the eyes and say "Your accusation towards me seems misplaced. I am not owning your blame."

And if you are the "BLAME-ER"...remember that accepting blame and responsiblity as well as being a part of the solution to the problem will free you from the effects of blame from the start. Cunningham says "Don’t try to shift even a part of the blame. This doesn’t mean that you should accept blame that you don’t deserve. But saying things like, “Well, if he hadn’t done this then I wouldn’t have done that.” is lame. Instead, say, “I am so sorry for this. I had no idea that what I did could cause this type of problem. How can I help fix it?”

The song for today is "fearless" - this is one of the songs that means SO much to me. It's a living, breathing example of how music can say more than words.

People Who Have Many Faces

2010-03-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

Wednesday's blog entry (being written on Thursday :)) is about people with more than one face.

This topic has to be one that everyone reading this blog is familiar with. Certainly at SOME point someone has demonstrated the "super-human ability" (and I call it that because I have the hardest time wrapping my head around this) to have more than one face in their communications with you.

The dictionary online defines two-faced as the following:

two-faced (adj.)
1. Having two faces or surfaces.
2. Hypocritical or double-dealing; deceitful

What does this definition make me think of when I read it? Hmmm...well, certainly not FRIEND. Certainly not LOVE. Certainly not KINDESS. In fact, it really fills my mind with descriptive words that are the DIRECT OPPOSITE of any words I would want to be used to describe ME or someone that I care about.

Recently, someone I do care about has been at the receiving end of some actions from someone who was two-faced. Being on the outside and looking in, all I can do is shake my head and ask "why?". Why would someone who professed to care about someone else act in a double-dealing or deceitful way? Why would someone - ANYONE - purposefully make the decision to say one thing to one person, maybe thinking that it would NEVER get back to the other, and then turn around and be the first one to try to be "there" for you when times got tough? How could someone like that look at themselves in a mirror? How could someone like that even SPEAK with you again after saying or doing something so incredibly false?

If you really REALLY have something to say to someone that you feel strongly about - whether it's something that happened between the two of you, something that you feel strongly about in a negative way or even something that you say in the heat of the moment - maybe you were just letting off steam - DON'T BE A COWARD. Don't turn your head in the other direction to the person you said these things about and profess to care about them - to say sweet things to them - to act concerned about them - when in your mind you are still clinging to the things you said ABOUT THEM to someone else.

How SHOULD two-faced people handle their bahavior once they have done this? Well, it's known in some circles as a "pre-emptive strike". If you know you have done something like this, have the guts to fess up to the person you wronged...tell them the situation. Here, I have taken the liberty to write a little generic script for a two-faced person in how to deal with trying to fix their indiscretions:

"When I was talking with someone I said some things to them about you. They were lies/half-truths/something I thought or felt at the time (pick one), but I know better now that it was my own feelings about the situation that led me to say those things in the first place - and this had nothing to do with you. I was extremely unfair to you by saying things that would hurt you. It was selfish, hurtful, childish, and very wrong of me to do this to you and I have learned a lesson that careless behavior like this can have consequences on my character and on what other people think about me."

Now, those who have been hurt? There you go - hand THAT to the next person who is two-faced to you. Let them know that whenever they are ready to apologize, you'll be there to listen to the script as long as they mean each and every word.

Really the only way I know of to deal with someone you know is dealing with you in a decietful manner is...to let it go. I know, I know. But you MUST LET IT GO. You can make sure THEY know that YOU know what they did - but YOU must let it go - for your own mental health. There is no way you can control the words coming from someone else's mouth. And that person - the two-faced one - does not earn respect with their words. No one wants to trust someone who says bad things about someone to them and then acts like nothing is wrong to the person they talked about. No one wants to even be around someone like that. Because of this ONE conclusion:

IF THEY DID THAT TO SOMEONE I KNOW, THEY COULD DO IT TO ME.

Two-faced people get a reputation - and NOT a good reputation.

This song is for both those who have been two-faced, and those who have been hurt by other people.

Thoughts about being 8

2010-03-16T06:19:00.000-07:00

Deep down, we're all just grown up versions of who we were when we were about 8 years old. I am just now discovering this - at least *I* feel this way, and frankly, for my daughter's case I hope it's true. She's the coolest 8 year old I know.

When I was 8 years old I was alone. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. Being alone when I was 8, I mean. Growing up in Elementary school, I was pretty much the one everyone just ignored. I was a very different child, living in a dream world all the time. Yet, I was 100% cognizant that no one around me was interested in what I had to say and what I did.

Being alone as a child is an extremely lonesome feeling. I remember thinking about the fact that every teacher rolled her eyes when I would come to them with questions. So I stopped coming with questions at all. I would skate by in class because back then the school system still had that invisible banner hanging over my head pointing at me saying "not bright". Maybe they thought I didn't even understand enough at that age to notice when two teachers looked at me and whispered. Or when the rest of the class was making a giant dinosaur from newspaper and flour-glue and I was sitting at my desk reading. Or why I enjoyed reading group best (and eventually got my degree in English) - because my reading group was small and people were forced to read aloud. It felt like we were all talking to each other.

At age 8, my reality was that of a single young woman. I was on my own and had a lot of freedom - but not enough experience to know how to handle all of it responsibly. Sometimes I think back now to the things I did, the behaviors I had and I roll my eyes and wish it was someone else's life I was remembering. I remember having a feeling sometimes that I was floating above myself, watching me go through the motions of the reality that was my life (waking, dressing, eating breakfast, walking to school, going to class, leaving school, meandering home slowly and with a scattered little child's mind and then heading home for a couple more hours before my mother came home for the day).

When I was 8, I lived inside television. Mentally, that is. I had one in my room - a little black-and-white tv set. I longed for a clean, simple and funny life like I saw mirrored back at me whenever I watched tv. I just wanted any life different than the one I had. And my interpersonal skills were grabbed from such television shows as "3-2-1 CONTACT" and I know I spent a week thinking everything was an educational mystery to solve. I watched shows like "Quincy" (yes - I watched Quincy as a child...I guess that's where my urge to be a forensic pathologist originated) and shows like "B.J. And the Bear" which would explain why I walked around the house, the neighborhood and the school with one of those little stuffed monkey velcro-clingy things attached to me for a few weeks. This is around the time MTV came out and I started discovering music and music videos. AND this is also around the time one of my favorite movies of all time came out - The Rescuers.

What did The Rescuers mean to me? Why did it touch me so much? It captured every feeling I had. It was the story of mice saving a young girl from loneliness. It was just what I needed to feel like I wouldn't be alone forever. I comforted me so much to think someone WAS waiting for me somewhere. This song - which brings me to tears every time I see it - I knew it so well at the time, I played the little RPM record over and over and over on my little Winnie-The-Pooh record player:

That's almost exactly what it looked like - over and over - here's a link to the song on YouTube (the embedding was disabled by request) and you can actually see the scene in the movie that I watched over and over and over too. :)

Someone's Waiting For You

"You must try to be brave little one, someone's waiting for you" ---> This was my mantra. I believed with my whole entire heart that sometime, somewhere in life, someone had been created and designed just for me. Someone to instinctively know when I was sad, someone who knew when I wanted to talk, someone who knew my feelings and needs as soon as they were there. Not someone to "take care" of me - although, over time I have realized that the little 8 year old Stephanie and the 37 year old Stephanie NEED taking care of. There still really isn't anyone specifically in my life who says "let me take care of you", although some people have stepped up lately when I needed caring for emotionally. Generally I just take care of everyone else. Not because I have some innate desire to do it, but because...well, it's all I know how to do. Help others...because I want more for them than I had for me.

I used to walk in the rain as a child and collect worms and I would dig little holes in the backyard and tuck them into their freshly made little beds inside the wet earth. I always felt like I was saving them, one at a time. I would sing this song to the worms and try and comfort them like I wished someone was there to comfort me. I think that's why I was so open to the idea of God as I got a little older and heard and understood who people told me God was. God WAS there to love me...to comfort me...to protect me - and I would never be alone as long as He was there. The 8 year old inside me still needs to feel like somewhere, someone loves me all the time. Someone wants to care for me...somehow. So when times are difficult I remind myself of this song. And remind myself to be brave...and have faith. Wipe my tears, hold my head high, someone IS waiting to love me.

Today, I hope there is no one reading this who feels alone. I hope you all feel as if you have someone waiting to love you. :) I have plenty of love to share and to give. If you need a little today as you read this, take some from me mentally...I would be honored to bring you some comfort today.

XXOO

Life usually has a way of teaching you about priorities

2010-03-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

So life generally finds a way to make you stop obsessing about yourself and your own pain when it suddenly takes a dramatic turn and throws in pain for those you love. Which, on the surface, completely SUCKS. But deep down, can help someone in recovery from a depression.

Perspective is an interesting thing. What seems important one day can be absolutely meaningless the very next day. For example, the deli being out of your favorite meat can really be annoying - but, when placed alongside someone not having any food to eat or even money to spend on food in the first place, it seems completely pointless.

So also someone who has a relatively well-paying job suddenly and unexpectedly being laid off makes not getting a raise when you get a promotion seem very, very, minor indeed. I got a promotion at work on Friday and I am very proud. For those who have followed, I was just given Employee of the Month a week or so ago. I am absolutely blessed to be working where I am - with a group of individuals who are so concerned and caring and loving and kind. I did NOT get a raise, but as I said when it happened, sometimes hearing "I don't even have one thing I can think of that I would change about your performance, Stephanie" can go just about as far as a raise. Although the money would sure come in handy, especially now.

The weekend at the cabin was very good emotionally. It was an opportunity to decompress and completely unplug technology-wise. Well, except the iPod. Music must be there somewhere! A little log cabin sat smack down in the edge of the woods on the side of a mountain, I felt like the whole world was peaceful. My heart felt settled and my soul filled. I love the mountains.

This is the sunrise through the trees outside the front door of the cabin on Sunday morning

This is a picture of one of the more lovely views on the way home

Tall, Tall TREES

Trees have a way of making me happy too. Something about them. Upon arrival at the cabin I was a bit shocked at the noise everywhere. It was borderline obnoxious in volume. I looked up and I was surprised to realize where the loud humming and wooshing originated. It came from the trees. The wind was whipping through them quite loudly. It was a beautiful thing. I so enjoy feeling, smelling, sensing and experiencing the world around me in that way.

One thing as a side note, before I close this blog entry. My stats for this blog came out just now as I was writing this - and last week I had 226 hits and 118 visits and 82 NEW visitors. So welcome...and thank you for reading about me and about my experiences with Second Life and First Life. I hope and pray you will take something good with you when you leave the blog...and I am so greatful for you coming in the first place. To all of you who have emailed me individually, you are always in my thoughts. In my mind, I send you hugs and smiles and lots of peaceful days.

A cheerful song for a Monday. Mondays need cheerful songs - and this one makes me smile EVERY time I see it.

Open Ears, Open Mind & Open Heart

2010-03-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

May whatever baggage that has been riding in the back be left behind. May whatever hopes and dreams we have, be acknowledged. May our ears, minds and hearts be open to whatever lay ahead of us.

May we speak our feelings truthfully and carefully. May we remember the reasons for being there and never lose sight of the ultimate goal at hand - to leave healthier than we came. To validate each other's feelings - no matter the cost.

May we remember the reasons we first came together and not let the coasting that has become the norm in our lives be the way we continue to move forward. Let love, respect, truth and honesty fill the hours we spend together without interuption.

Being a grown up...it kinda sucks.

2010-03-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

This has been one of the most challenging times in my life. Not because I have led such an easy life, but because I have led a very innocent life. A naive life.

Not in the manner some refer to as innocent or naive - although I never did see what a man looked like naked until my freshman year of college when the girls on my dorm floor decided to get together and make sure the Christian school girl had an education she would never forget - which involved papering my room with pictures of penises ((peni?)) from Playgirl magazine while I was in the shower one morning - but instead the innocence of someone who "hopes all things, believes all things and endures all things" (paraphrased from I Cor. 13)

I believe in the absolute best in everyone - even when they prove me wrong. Someone can profess to care about me and I will do everything in my power to give them the world. They can turn on me - lie to me - lie ABOUT me - confuse me and even try and make me believe that I have somehow done something wrong by caring in the first place. Still, I will blame myself long before I blame ever them for their own behavior.

I can only blame myself for that. Just kidding.

Anyway, my point here is...being a grown up means learning to put on armor. Learning to find the tools to cope when an innocent or naive soul comes across the enemy who uses them until they have their needs met and then just discards them. The naive soul - the innocent soul - will always take the responsibility on themselves. The naive soul apologizes constantly and even works to find every way possible to bring the enemy back into their lives because all they knew was that the enemy once cared for them - and even in the midst of a loss, they can't see the enemy for what they are - an enemy of their heart, soul and mind.

Being a grown up means recognizing the enemy. They come camouflaged in different packaging. Sometimes you don't even know they ARE the enemy for a long time. Years in fact. In many cases, those can be the worst. Lives become intertwined and you can't find where you end and the enemy begins. Being a grown up also means realizing when you have held onto something long enough and it's time to let it go. And it means realizing patterns in behavior. And forgiveness doesn't always mean forgetting. Sometimes it's in the remembering where you truly learn what it is like to be an adult - and to do the right thing. The emotionally healthy thing. The best thing. Letting go feels so, so good. No matter what you believe in - or don't believe in - everyone should believe in forgiveness.

If you have never watched anything I have ever posted here - please watch this. Unless of course Christian doctrine offends you. It has brought me to my knees in tears today.

And for everyone who has survived a crash and burn and come out the other end only slightly charred - or maybe burned until you're barely recognizable, this song is for you.

I wish you all well.

Ok, a super-quick post for Thursday on Friday afternoon...

2010-03-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

Between bites of soup, I am posting a quick blog post for Thursday.

Thursday was crazy-busy! I am yearbook mom and I have a deadline of April 20th to complete a yearbook for my daughter's school (the entire SCHOOL) that hasn't been started yet because the PTO can't decide on a solution for who to go with. :)

I brought up a new option last night though (we had a 2-hour meeting) and I was busy gathering data beforehand - hence, no blog post.

Although I had some time later last night to write, I instead spent a little over an hour talking to one of my dear friends about good things happening in his life and great steps he is making to climb out of his depression. I wish him so much good.

I had a whole thing I wanted to write about yesterday and somehow it entirely escapes me now. More in Friday's blog - which will be later today, if I don't find myself preoccupied with RL.

Oh, getting ready to head to a cabin in the woods this weekend for some much-needed R&R, hiking and long discussions. Looking forward to some growth - or at least more insight about the future.

Ending with a beloved song...

Depression

2010-03-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

You know, I have never read this or heard it said, but from personal experience I can say that I had no idea that the people around me were hurting so much until I admitted my own depression here a couple of weeks ago.

Friends and loved one have been coming to me privately and telling me of their own heartbreak and sadness - sharing thoughts of very deep sadness and depression that they have had trouble pulling themselves out from under. I not only share their pain, I also recognize it.

I was diagnosed with depression once before in my life. I had just broken up with an abusive and violent ex-fiance who was an alcoholic. It pretty much screwed me up for a long time. They put me on medication - which I promptly refused to take because I hate medication. That's not my suggestion for EVERYONE, but it was my personal choice. I talked to a friend of mine - Brandon, the same friend from WAY back in high school (still a good friend, btw) who used to have to dissect things for me - and he basically talked me well. I think he was sick to death of listening to me eventually and he just let me have it. He jerked me back into reality - reminding me of all the things that could have gone wrong that didn't (I could have married the jerk, for instance) and it occurred to me that he was right of course. It didn't happen overnight, but his manner of "tough love" was just what I needed.

This time around, it takes a VILLAGE. I have been at the receiving end of a LOT of tough love and it's been coming from a lot of people I care about and BOY has it helped. I read my first couple of posts on this blog and already I realize how much my attitude has changed. I did some research about dealing with depression today and I thought I would share some of the excellent points. BY ALL MEANS, see a doctor if you can. Me? Well, between my schedule and my responsibilities, seeing a counselor hasn't really been an option for me. So my route has been the self-help one.

Self-help, Dealing with Depression:
excerpts taken from Dealing With Depression

1. Cultivate Supportive Relationships
I have been blessed with this especially, with this blog leading the way to me helping cultivate both new and existing relationships with my friends and loved ones.

2. Take Care Of Yourself
I could do better here, but I have spent some additional time taking care of myself like choosing a new yummy-smelly shower gel over soap more often lately to get a little lift from the aromatherapy - but this also includes doing things you like to do that you haven't done in a while - and I have been doing this a LOT

3. Get Regular Exercise
This has been harder since I have been fighting a severe viral infection since early January but I am finally at the tail end of it...I was in a GREAT routine before that and it involved jogging and sit ups daily - I neeeeeeed to get back into that - but I am *HOPEFULLY* going hiking in the mountains this weekend! YAY! Plus the weather is getting so much nicer - so it's only a matter of time before the bike gets un-tarped!

4. Eat A Healthy Mood-Boosting Diet
I have had a little trouble minimizing the sugar - i'm sorry but I run to chocolate when I am sad - so I own the Hershey's company about now... ;) Just KIDDING - but even things like hot cocoa (which I almost never EVER drink - even before losing weight) I have been finding indulging in now and then simply because it's offering a sweet pick-me-up. I need a LOT more fish in my diet...I have a huge bag of shrimp in the freezer that are calling me name, but tonight we're having pork - so maybe tomorrow. I don't really LIKE Salmon, but it's all I can think of right now

5. Challenge Negative Thinking
This is something I need to work on. The information I found recommends the following:
* Think outside yourself. Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions.
* Keep a “negative thought log”. Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. For a second opinion, you can also ask a friend or therapist to go over your log with you.
* Replace negatives with positives. Review your negative thought log. Then, for each negative thought, write down something positive. For instance, “My boss hates me. She gave me this difficult report to complete” could be replaced with, “My boss must have a lot of faith in me to give me so much responsibility.”
* Socialize with positive people. Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty.

6. Raise Your Emotional Intelligence
I took a corporate seminar on my E.Q. when I worked for Countrywide Home Loans. I had to deal with so many different types of managers and I found it exceedingly helpful. Some tips about developing a stronger emotional intelligence are:

*(EQ) skill 1: The ability to quickly reduce stress.
*(EQ) skill 2: The ability to recognize and manage your emotions.
*(EQ) skill 3: The ability to connect with others using nonverbal communication.
*(EQ) skill 4: The ability to use humor and play to deal with challenges.
*(EQ) skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence.

As I read through these, I think to myself that I could be doing a lot better here too. Another thing to work on! :)

7. Know When To Get Additional Help
I have taken advantage of SOOOOO many friends these past few weeks. They have listened and talked and let me re-hash and just go on and on. Some days this has helped me so much - and others, wow, I felt the pain and hurt and sadness and even frustration all over again. Sometimes I feel angry with myself and sometimes I am angry with others. I am recognizing triggers though, and that's very helpful. I realize when there's something that is about to send me into a sadness-spiral and I have been trying to head that off before it happens by stopping and recognizing the situation and the feeling. My additional help has been my friends - but if things were different, I would definitely relish the opportunity to meet with someone. I think it goes without saying that getting outside help is SO important and SO valuable.

Anyway, I hope this has helped those who need it - those who need to feel peace. One friend just put their depression into words by saying "it's like I have been nauseated for 24/7 during the past 10 months". Being depressed takes a LOT out of a person. I know my eyes still ache sometimes and I have even been able to sleep from 9-something at night until 6:30 in the morning. About 9 hours of sleep - when I used to get 5 hours. A TOTAL SWITCH - but a healthy one, nonetheless.

Sending comfort to everyone today...by way of HARVEST - a Christian rock group from the 1990's. This song gives me peace.

Second Life Costs

2010-03-09T18:32:00.000-08:00

I think I will blog a little about the costs of SL.

Emotional & Physical Costs
The emotional costs of SL are so far-reaching. You open yourself up to an incredible amount of hurt and deception when you are in SL. When you meet people, you make the immediate decision to either be yourself or be someone else. I always just chose to be myself. As a longtime user of online chatrooms (I entered my first chatroom in 1992), I was accustomed to just being myself (with a nickname or handle) when I spoke with other people. Keeping my physical location and full name secret is something I almost always did, however, for the sake of anonymity - not dishonesty. I would wait until I got to know someone pretty well before spilling details like that...if ever. In many cases, a lot of the emotional walls that we build on a daily basis with people in our real life tend to disappear completely from the beginning - and these walls are replaced with the other walls like what you really look like and whether or not you're really being honest about who you are when you say you're wealthy or hot or well-connected in RL. Those are things you can tell pretty much immediately in RL but are a LOT more difficult to determine in SL. So you start out immediately with someone heart-to-heart, mind-to-mind, rather than face-to-face. If you get along with someones heart and mind and have like opinions, you become close. I have met several individuals that this applies to in SL. I have also met those individuals who claim to be someone or something they aren't...and who lie purposefully to just cover up their true selves for any number of reasons. There is no law written anywhere that says you must be honest if you visit SL, but it is a matter of character, in my opinion. If you become close friends with someone and share things about yourself, they better damn well be the truth. I have so little respect for people who can't admit to being who they actually are. I know there are issues of trust - but you know, I trust people immediately - and I believe people too. I guess these feelings could vary - depending on the person - but all the friends that I have with met in SL that are still with me in RL are those who were honest with me about who they were - IN BOTH LIVES. So the emotional cost in this case is, of course, being hurt very, very deeply by other people's deceptive behavior.

As far as physical costs go, if you're addicted to SL there are SOOOO many of these.

I have a picture of what happens to your MAIL when you're addicted to SL:

This is an actual example of my mail pile (it went beyond "stack") in REAL LIFE. I actually had a check for a 401k that was closed out by a prior company I worked for that sat in a similar stack for months a couple of months ago - I basically had to make a last-minute trip to the bank to deposit it before it had to be reprinted. I cleaned out my mail "in-box" then - but this is just what accumulated since October/November. I would open the SUPER-DUPER-SERIOUSLY URGENT stuff, but everything else just sat. Nothing was important enough for me to sacrifice my SL time for.

Speaking of sacrifice, when you're addicted you tend to sacrifice a lot of time you could be spending on bettering yourself or bettering your life logging on and playing with virtual things. You get less sleep, you get less time outside in the sun and fresh air, you get less time with your family, you get less time with your friends, you get less time to run errands and have the random moments where you just decide to visit a store or a park on completely spur-of-the-moment basis. Not because these places no longer exist in the real world - but instead because the virtual world has priority over the real one. Every spare moment is spent either trying to log in or even visiting other sites that had to do with SL during the day when you COULDN'T log on. For example, I would sometimes shop on Xstreet during the day at work (for the record, I haven't even been to xstreet since I started this blog - SCOUTS HONOR). Xstreet is a Second Life virtual shopping site. For pennies on the dollar you can buy clothes, shoes, furniture, actions, dances, accessories, boots, hair - anything. I would shop during the day and come home after work, log in and grab all my purchases and PLAY! You can also access all sorts of blogs that have to do with SL and what's going on INSIDE SL when you're not there.

BTW, I took the SL Addiction test and I got like a 32...I think somewhere around the number "20" was considered addicted. Some of the higher-scoring responses were things like visiting outside websites (like Xstreet) and blogs about SL. Basically I liked being "in-world" so much that even when I was out of world I was trying to find ways to get back in. Why? DELUSION. I was deluded into thinking that SL was a better choice - a better way to spend my time - than RL for me. Or at least it was a hell of a lot more fun. I have tons of responsibilities in RL. I have E. and I have a house to clean, food to cook and I have a job I work at and I have chores and I have general duties I take on strictly because I want to and a bunch more that I take on because it's expected of me. Yes, I said "expected" of me. I don't like letting people down and I try my best to make sure I just don't let people down in general. Even if that's at the cost of my suffering. I remember last week at the field trip there were these two plastic bins filled with lunch bags for the kids. I don't know who made this bins - someone who wants to torture innocent souls would be my guess. These bins were hard plastic with jagged edges and where you placed your hands to carry the bins you would immediately have plastic cutting into your skin and palms of your hands and then sharper edges along the insides of your fingers. WAY uncomfortable and WAY heavy - there were lunches enough for 20 kids and 8 adults! Anyway, one of the other adults said "here, I can carry that with you" and I said "NO...it's too much for you - it's hurting the heck out of MY hand" and she said "Martyr!" I think jokingly - but I mean, come ON she was like 75 years old. First it was too heavy and SECOND it was way uncomfortable. I will just gladly suffer something like that alone without complaining if it means someone ELSE doesn't have to suffer. Anyway, I just don't like letting people down. Which is why I find myself gravitating back a bit toward SL - I know there are a few people there who have counted on me in the past to help with the proofreading - I don't want to let them down AND I enjoy it. Finding the happy medium - the safe place - that will be the challenge now. I still find it easier to log off than ever before. And logging on is no longer priority one. I hope I manage to keep it that way. The things that SL is - the good things - the time spent with my incredible friends there - that makes it worth it to a point.

Physical and Emotional sacrifice will no longer be something I experience with SL. It's just not worth it. The pain, the heartache, the frustration, the lies, the stealing of intellectual property, fraudulent attacks on character, misplaced personal vendettas...all of these are just too much drama for me to take - especially from people who may or may not be who they say they are? NO THANKS. I will keep drama at a minimum and keep my life for myself, thank-you-very-much.

I think I will close with this song. It's one of my all-time favorite songs. I think the meaning of it depends upon your outlook when you listen to it. It can either mean "hey you, I hope you enjoyed yourself, honestly!" or it can mean exactly what the original title of this song is... "Good Riddance".

I didn't have much to say yesterday...

2010-03-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

...that I could put here. And people have drilled it into my head that if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all.

In some cases, I think that's 100% correct. In others, well, I happen to believe it's more important to say what you feel and not to keep it inside and hide it from the world.

In THIS case. I think I am glad I remained silent. I still have nothing to say about my feelings yesterday.

As I sit here surfing through metallica and linkin park songs, trying to decide which one to put here - I realize I need to change genres completely or my day will seriously suck.

I'm not exactly sure if this is wishful thinking - or if I really am "alright" today. We'll have to see how the rest of the day goes I guess. I have about a dozen friends I would like to share this song with - and most of them have been reading this blog and sending me messages of kindness, encouragement, love and friendship. So I dedicate this to all of you. You are all different people from different walks of life and from all around the world - some of you I have never even had the chance to hug in RL. But I have prayed for each of you - and I care about you all so much. Thank you for standing beside me, hugging me with your words and sending me your love. I wish we could all sit down at one table so you could look around the table and see each other and appreciate all the great things I see in all of you. Your strength, your love, your hearts...and SO much more. You would be surprised what a diverse group of people you are - Christians, athiests, jewish people, agnostics, retired, employed, unemployed, wealthy, working class, work-from-home - people who run or ran businesses and people who washed floors of businesses. You keep computer systems running and you cater to priviledged people. You are people who keep other people alive and cared for and you are also those who comfort the dying. One thing you all share in common is that you care about me - and for that, I owe you so much. A simple thank you doesn't feel like enough to say how much it means to me that you are here for me and that you DO care about me. So thank you anyway...I hope I never let you down.

What's wrong (and right) with my insides

2010-03-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

A very strange title to a post, I know.

What's wrong with my insides...omg...where do I begin? Seriously...I could be more screwed up than I am. But I guess to discuss this I should start at the beginning.

Divorced parents - they divorced when I was three. I lived with my mom until Christmas of 1985. I left and moved in with my dad then. I like to think I had a pretty okay childhood, but the truth is, it wasn't great and it wasn't horrid. It was somewhere in the middle. I took care of myself after school from age 6 and up. My mom took me out of nursery school before 1st grade and basically I walked to school and home from school every day. I was labeled as "stupid" when I was very young - first grade, actually - so I had to deal all through elementary school with the stigma of that. They actually tested me at the insistence of my first grade teacher Mrs. Baker. The test results were never shared with me. Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school and I received my PERMANENT RECORD in the mail and I was going through the plethora of paperwork and documents and smiling at pictures of me throughout the years and there was this little slip of paper from the state of North Dakota saying that they recommended me for the gifted program. THE GIFTED PROGRAM. Instead of getting extra enrichment and tender loving care and respect from teachers, I had been sent through years of low-level math classes and allowed to just skate through classes while living in my own little dream world because someone forgot to communicate the results to the school, the teachers and to me - that I was so much more capable than what everyone thought. From that point on, I didn't really resent what happened to me, but I tried to make the best of it. College was a good chance for me to learn to be a smart girl in my academic career and my emotional/psychological studies too.

In college I was almost raped by a guy I dated. I thought he was gorgeous - he looked like Garth Brooks. One night things went way too far - I wasn't ready for what he wanted to do. I had to push and fight my way out from under him and run to the door. He caught me part-way and my favorite purple shorts tore in two pieces. I grabbed the handle and turned it and ran from the room. He ran in the other direction (off the dorm floor) and I never saw him privately again. He lived on the other side of the dorm and we didn't really run in the same circles. I had a big group of friends that were like family to me - some of which I am still connected to. They were careful to protect me. It was an extremely painful lesson emotionally. I felt so hurt and very, very wronged. I eventually got over the incident...really and truly. To this day if I saw him of course I would forgive him. It's been a lot of years - and nothing too detrimental happened to me mentally. It was a tough time immediately afterwards, but I am such a glass-half-full person that I never let it bother me for too long.

In college I learned I love gay men. I do. I LOVE THEM. Not even in a small way. They make the best friends, the best confidants, the best shopping partners, the best advice-givers and the BEST gossip-hounds. When my soul needs brightening and lightening, I contact one of my dearest friends and he makes everything okay.

I generally don't get along with a lot of women because I hate the drama. I do. I absolutely hate the drama. I don't like "oh, she doesn't like me because she looked at me funny" or some stuff like that. I pick my female friends carefully and one thing they all have in common is that I feel like they are stronger women than me.

As far as women go, I can be pretty weak sometimes. I am also prone to crying easily. I am a weenie in that regard. I am too sensitive and I get hurt emotionally soooo easily. Physically if I accidentally bang my arm on the wall, I get a bruise - so I am weak that way too. I do play a martyr pretty well but when I actually HAVE a reason to be hurt or upset - seriously - watch out. I do have a breaking point. I will call you out on what you have done to me. I will cuss you up one side and down the other. And when I do, it won't be pretty. My breaking point is about five times longer than most people's breaking points. I am reminded of Bert and Ernie...

You can poke me and prod me and annoy me, you can flop my arms around and just generally tick me off and MOST OF THE TIME I will fall back and just go "argh" like Bert does at the end of the sketch above. I roll my eyes and sigh and then turn over and go back to sleep - IF I CAN GET BACK TO SLEEP. But in the regular day-to-day of life, I am much more like Ernie. I am happy-go-lucky, friendly, concerned, playful, fun-loving and just a pleasant person to be around.

A lot of the reason I think I am so nice is that I am afraid that if I was opinionated or mean, people wouldn't want to be around me. Who wants to be around someone mean all the time? Not me. A lot of the reasons I stand for people beating up on me (figuratively speaking) is because I am afraid if I stick up for myself they won't love me anymore. I think that has to do with abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. Friends would keep me company after school so I wouldn't have to be alone. Well, they would as long as I would let them decide what games we played and how we played them. If I spoke up, I would generally get this "well I'll just go home" response and then have to back pedal to keep them there. You see, being alone - for me - is a special kind of punishment. Like some people hate being around a lot of people, I hate being alone. Too much being alone as a little girl I think. An only child of a busy single parent coming home to no one. Imagine having no one ask you how your day was. AT AGE SIX. AT AGE SEVEN. And so on, and so on. Being alone is a personal hell for me. And yet I found myself alone often in SL. A group of people were only a quick TP away - any large store would at least have avatars in it...but I was so afraid of even talking to someone - another avatar that is. Somewhere along the line it was ingrained in me by someone else that everyone else was the enemy. I should be wary, keep my head down and run the other direction if someone said something to me unless it was someone I already knew.

The thing is, I don't think that's true.

People AREN'T inherently evil. People/Avatars in SL aren't ALL just out for themselves.

One thing I have learned is that I have control issues - as in, DO NOT TRY AND CONTROL ME, I WILL FIGHT BACK LIKE AN OCTOPUS RUNNING FROM A SOUS CHEF. And then I will talk to you using words that would make a sailor blush. Control and I don't get along well because I see it as a weak person's way of trying to force their needs/wants/desires on someone else. Is there anything less attractive REALLY than someone else trying to force someone else down? It's caged bird syndrome. You immediately feel frozen in place and as if someone has tried to muzzle you. You feel as if you can't freely move your arms and your legs. You get aggravated and frustrated and come to your defense. Unless you're me. First you put up with the control because you love the person and you don't want them to leave. Then, eventually, the situation gets too much and you explode. It would be MUCH healthier for the controlling person not to be that way in the first place - but, in the interest of reality here, let's just say that's not possible. I should find a healthier way to work with the controlling person to let them know that what they are trying to do, while perfectly acceptable for an animal or a young child, is 100% not okay for a grown woman. I should find a way to speak my mind in a nice rational way and come to an understanding with the person to make sure that they don't feel as if they are not being heard and I don't feel as if I am being controlled.

How do I plan to do that? Another lesson for another day I think.

So in summary, I am emotionally weak - to a point. I am an approval seeker, which is why I tend to follow the crowd and why I look like a puppy dog most of the time - tail wagging or hung between my legs - depending on the situation. I am NOT a good poker player - and I doubt I ever will be. But I surround myself with people who care a LOT about me and who are very strong in spirit. I hate to be alone, but I can be alone and be very content with being alone if it's on my terms. I am not stupid, rather I have the ability to be even better than I am now, given the proper circumstances - and the desire to achieve. I hate being controlled by people, but I am not very good at keeping people from controlling me. I have a lot to learn, but you know, I just got tears in my eyes thinking about how proud I am of who I am. My life could have been so much different if I had held anything against the people who made me who I am today. I long ago made peace with the fact that there is nothing I can change about what happened to me in the past. What I can change is how I react to it in the future - and what life lessons I take from it now.

What does not kill me, makes me stronger.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I have an absolutely fantastic belly button...(more inside!)

2010-03-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep for quite a while this morning. I logged into SL for a little over an hour and just hung around listening to a few songs on YouTube and IMing with a friend overseas. It was good to talk - and I missed talking. We talked about SL and we talked about pain and we talked about sensitivity. It was a calming way to start my morning - and then I promptly fell asleep for a couple more hours. :)

This morning involved packing a box and gathering a few things together for the box before I send it back East. I put lunch together and we went out to E's chess meet-up. Then to the meat market/vegetable stand for some yummy ingredients for meals and home.

Not really much on schedule for tonight...so I think I will do a little dissection in my blog of thoughts about SL.

I am feeling much more in-control over my SL use. For example, logging off is easy now. I used to not feel that way. I used to find excuses to stay online. It wasn't easy at all for me to click that little "X" and close the window. One more store, one more shop, one more piece of virtual furniture moved, one more virtual decoration hung. That's just not the case anymore and that feels good on a number of levels.

I think sometimes about what drew me to SL in the first place. I know I mentioned it's because I was alone at night - which is still the case many evenings. I may or may not find myself gravitating back on a semi-regular basis for the things I DID enjoy. I have been on a "leave of absence" from my SL proofreading job and I have been contemplating trying a week or two going back for short periods and continuing to accept proofreading jobs again.

When I logged on to SL initially I felt pretty weak in spirit - and a bit dejected in general. While I was there and things were good, I felt stronger...then weak again. It's an interesting thing about SL. So many people say that your experience is what you make of it. If you walk in thinking you're going to be bored, you will be. If you walk in without a plan about the amount of time you spend there, you could spend a LOT of time there without realizing it. I think with a few set plans in place, I am open to giving the next couple of weeks a try with limited log-ons. If you see me out shopping - tell me to log off! :) I have more clothes than any 10 avatars need. :)

A lot of people go to SL to build. I have tried building and I am not really very good at it. I can barely make the basics. :) So I don't really see a reason to explore that further...I mean, I respect the people who CAN build - I totally look up to them. I like to watch them too. It's just not my thing I think. My thing is helping - and proofreading. So I will try and do my thing and see what happens.

I have lost that zombie feeling...and I have lost that stress that comes from always wondering what's happening in-world. At least for the most part. Sometimes I still wonder if there are IM's or notecards waiting...I love getting mail...but then I just tell myself I will see them next time I log on.

So back to the weak in spirit thing. I was watching YouTube clips earlier and I caught some more of those NOOMA mini-movies. I saw one called NAME. It was very thought provoking. Basically his point was that you have to own who you are - no matter your faults, your strengths, your weaknesses, your good and bad qualities - own them - make them yours. If you do this, you will absolutely come to love things about yourself that you dreaded before. I will be working on this going forward. I know part of my issues with SL addiction stem from being happier at one point with the avatar I created rather than the real me. Crystallyn is way hotter. Crystallyn has a killer wardrobe and can wear spikey boots. Crystallyn has stainless steel kitchen appliances and never has bed-head or the frizzies. But you know, even as I type this, I feel so differently about "crystallyn". Crystallyn can't hug anyone and feel their heartbeat against her. Crystallyn can't wipe anyone's tears away. Crystallyn can't "DO" anything. Crystallyn can't control her movements. She's not real and she never will be - no matter how much I once wished she could be.

In the interest of being absolutely honest about myself - which is what I promised I would be initially here - I own the fact that Stephanie does not look pixel-perfect. I am not a size 2 and I never will be. I don't have perfect hair and I can't hardly wear high heels since I had a little chunk of my right leg removed when I was diagnosed with cancer at 23. I still don't have feeling in my leg completely where they removed it. It's why I always wear Birkenstocks, actually. I have a couple pairs of heels that I can wear if the occasion calls for it - and two pairs of boots - but one pair of the boots have low heels and the other pair is a pair of Uggs - no heels there! I have this little blotch on my cheek that is just a tiny discoloration in my skin from were I got a little bit of sun-damage on my face a few years ago. Most days I have to tame my hair into a style. My eyebrows look like bert-brows (think sesame street) if I don't get them waxed often. My upper lip is too thin. My breasts have shrunk since I lost weight. My skin was stretched out in places and now kinda sags a little. My arms are flabby and my stomach is too. I have big feet. I have smallish hands. I have scars on different parts of my body here and there were doctors removed questionable samples of skin that looked like they could be cancerous. Wow, SEKSI, as they say in SL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I am laughing pretty hard at myself right now. I bet if any one reading this tried hard enough, they could come up with a bunch of things they don't really like about themselves physically too. Whether or not they would ADMIT them...that's another question entirely.

The thing is, I accept all of this about myself. I don't love it, but I accept it. Accepting my physical appearance for what it is has to be half the battle, right?
I don't ever want to be in a situation again where I wish I was living a different life - a SECOND life. I just want THIS life to be the life I want to live in.

When I think about the things I like about myself physically, I think about my hands - they are very pretty. My hair - while it IS frizzy, is naturally curly - and I love that as long as it's behaving. I like my mood-eyes. I think my nose is just great. I like my lower lip a whole bunch. My ears are terrific. I have pretty shoulders. I have pretty nice breasts - for what's left of them. I have an absolutely fantastic belly button. My stomach is a lot flatter than it used to be. My legs and thighs (I am starting to sound like a fried chicken) are in pretty good shape. My heart, lungs, blood pressure and other vitals are all in great shape. My weight is continuing to get under control. My body can handle walking, hiking, short jogs, sit ups and lots of dancing. My moles (I don't call them beauty marks) give me character and my facial expressions and way I react to people around me physically generally have the desired effect I want them to have (if I am trying to be silly/funny - people laugh, if I am trying to comfort someone with an expression or conveying tenderness, they feel comforted).

Maybe tomorrow I will think about some of the things inside myself that I do and don't really like that I am willing to own. Discovering and admitting weaknesses AND strengths about yourself can be absolutely liberating. No one can make me feel inferior without my permission - Eleanor Roosevelt said that (i might be paraphrasing). If I remove the feelings of inferiority by owning them, then it becomes even easier for me to just accept who I am, embrace and love myself and find joy no matter where I am in my life. Second Life IS what you make of it - but First Life is what you make of it too. I plan to make mine INCREDIBLE from here on out.

Relient K has a song about "hating who I have been" - I hate that I never did this sooner. I don't hate who I have been - because everything that has happened to this point has just helped make me who I am today. But I have hated a lot of who I was over the past 17 months...forgetting ME for the sake of living a virtual life. But you know, I'm working on that. :)

Relient K - Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

ohmygoodnesstodaywassobusy

2010-03-06T01:31:00.000-08:00

This is my blog for Friday. The times on here are a little off - so maybe it will still show up for Friday. I can't believe I could make it 11 days straight with a blog entry and miss a day! ACK! This will bother me for all eternity. I am a little anal about things like that!

Okay, well, I will make today quick.

It's obvious that Real Life is becoming more of a priority for me to miss a day! This morning started out quite different than most mornings. Instead of taking E. to school and then going to work, I took her to school, walked her to class and took lunch orders. Luckily, only one little girl forgot her lunch. Today was FIELD TRIP DAY. A couple of months ago I started organizing this morning's field trip. I suggested to E. teacher that the children would have a great time going to help at the Rescue Mission. She loved the idea - and eventually it shaped up into a morning at the mission sorting blankets, clothes and toys and then a bus ride over to the women and children's shelter in town to present a quilt the children made (!!!) and have a sack lunch and put on a wonderful skit that they wrote - about encouragement and about the animals in nature. Things were going well until I called my friend the volunteer coordinator with the Rescue Mission on Thursday evening and found out that he had accidentally erased the entire field trip from his calender! We had to re-organize and re-plan everything with such short notice - so imagine my amazement when everything went off without a hitch. So many things could have gone wrong but PHEW...they didn't!

The residents of the shelter were so touched by the children's skit about encouragement and there wasn't a dry eye in the entire place when the children showed off the quilt they made. :) The shelter decided to hang it in the hall for everyone to see. The children each colored their own panel - making it into a beautiful picture - and then the pictures were sewn together onto the backing. It made for a gorgeous result...bright and cheerful. The shelter director was blown away and I was so glad that the kids had a great time. The shelter and the mission are a bit of a pet project of mine so it felt good to get back in there. E. and I are planning to serve meals there at the shelter soon - and head back to the mission for volunteering again soon too. They need so much help...and wow, I love helping!

I think at this point I am babbling. I will finish by saying I rushed off to work and worked for the remainder of the day. Went to the bank (work and personal) and a couple of stops (one for coffee and one for groceries) and then headed home to throw dinner together and we all sat and watched the new television show "Who Do You Think You Are" on TV. WHICH I highly recommend. A prime-time show about geneology? WE WERE GLUED! FANTASTIC! I passed out on the couch about 9:01 and woke up at 2:21. Five hours of dead sleep and man did I need it.

I will close with one of my favorite songs. When I was suffering so much back in late December / early January this song brought me back from the edge of dispair over and over again. I actually first heard it in SL church. I used to attend a Wednesday night service with Koinonia. This song gave me chills the first time I heard it and has brought me to tears many times since. I guess that's another good thing I can say that I brought with me from SL. This song...

"You better have soul, nothing less..."

2010-03-04T11:59:00.000-08:00

[The title of this post is from the song "Sons of Anarchy" by Curtis Stigers. Hearing it live last night was one of the MANY amazing moments of my night last night.]

One thing that’s sometimes hard to remember when you are addicted to a virtual world is remembering all the things that make you glad to live in “First Life”. These could be things about yourself or things about the world around you or even things you love to do.

I got into an email discussion about this with a friend yesterday and it prompted me to make a blog entry about it. Therefore, this will be my way of talking out who I am and remembering things I really love to DO in the real world.

So let’s see – I have mentioned I am 37 about 37 times. HAHAHA. Seriously though – that’s a huge part of who I am. When I wasn’t living in a virtual world last year, I took a lot of time to live outside the box. I made a point of doing things for the very first time that normally I would have been afraid to try. I walked in a 5k after losing a LOT of weight last year. I was so darn proud when I did that. My blisters that were on top of blisters were NOT so happy, but I will train harder and better for THIS year’s 5k.

I lost a ton of weight last year! How much? Well, the count is currently at 82 pounds from Jan. 1, 2009 through now. A lot of that weight came off over the summer. I have a deal with my father that as soon as I hit 100 pounds gone, I get an all-expense paid trip to Europe. :D I can’t WAIT. Or should I say, WEIGHT. ;)
I left my “dream job” last May that turned into a nightmare. It was so hard to do because I just adored my coworkers. There were changes in leadership and in attitude and I couldn’t see my way clear to stay any longer. I went from working full time to working part time with an upstanding and ethical company (sooo important to me) and an even MORE upstanding, ethical and HILLARIOUS boss.  I have never been happier in my work life – except for the fact that I could definitely stand to make a little more money. We’ll see what comes in time.
I started spending more time as a MOM* (this comes with a “*” because while it’s mostly true, there were so many times that I sacrificed time with my little sweet pea to log into SL. NOWADAYS I am spending a TON more time as a mom.  And that makes me VERY happy. I drop E. off every day and I pick her up every day after school. I volunteer in her classroom and I am on the PTO. I feel like I am a part of a community when I am there helping – and her school is JUST incredible. We have built a great relationship with her teacher and E. has been receiving additional help in math and she just moved into the next level – and she is calculating the area of a triangle in third grade as an 8 year old! She just makes me more and more proud!

I have seriously neglected my scrapbooking and stamping that I used to do over the past 17 months. I would like to get back into that. I was caught up – current – for the longest time. I was always one of those mom’s who photographed and documented every little thing, from the green beans stuck to her rear end after a particularly messy dinner one night to her first school pageant. I have neglected this documenting duty – which doesn’t inherently make me a BAD mom, I know. It just makes me less of a good mom in my own eyes. I am pretty tough on myself. That’s another thing about me that maybe not everyone knows. I’m very sensitive. I have very distinct feelings about what’s right and what’s wrong. I feel strongly that honesty begins with yourself and should spread to everyone else in your life. ALWAYS. Even when it hurts and even when it’s not the popular choice. Honesty should always reign.

Okay, now I am getting back into things I dwell on way too often these days. I need to get back to the good stuff.

[begin humming "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" noooow]

I love puppies and kittens and dogs and cats. I love riding my bike at sunrise and at sunset. I love organizing the closet. I love purging old things for the sake of better organized other things. I love cooking and baking and planning. I love traveling. I love exploring a new place. I love going to a meat market to buy meat. I love shopping for a good deal. I love walking in the mall and window shopping. I love watching movies – comedies especially – even MORE especially if they include Jack Black! I love laughing at myself and teasing people I love. I love holidays. I love swinging on swings at the park. I love rainy days, snowy days, sunny days, spring days and fall days. I love playing in the snow. I love going to the farmers market and coming home and making a fresh and delicious meal. I love marmalade. I love a slice of cheese with a pickle inside. I love getting my eyebrows waxed. I love a nice, clean house. I love love. I love the mountains. I love Starbucks…especially a caramel macchiato – warm in the winter and iced in the summer. I love fried egg sandwiches. I love Family Guy. I love YouTube. I love walking on a rainy day. I love speaking in public. I love networking. I love smiling and making people’s days brighter. I love making people laugh. I love that I know the mall scene in The Blues Brothers by heart and I could watch it again and again and again and again and never get bored. I love that I approach almost everything in my life with a child-like wonder and a true joy for the opportunity to experience it. I love being alive. I love God. I love my Daddy. I love Museums. I love trying on clothes. I love playing with the Wii. Once upon a time I loved oil painting…when I took it in college…I painted again later and ended up with a picture I am very proud of. I love religions. I love multi-cultural experiences. I love trying new things. I love meeting new people. I love trees. I love the “aha” moments in life. I love going out to dinner. I love hosting dinner parties. I love hiring someone to clean my house. I love lemon Italian ices. I love veal loaf. I love super-duper sharp cheddar cheese. I love Fridays. I love candy dishes. I love green plants. I love the glow of candles. I love a prettily set dining table. I love that I handle most situations in my life with inner grace. I love Ed Hardy pink perfume. I love white roses. I love a little caring spank on my rear. I love reading. I love knitting something. I love talking to an old friend and catching up on our lives. I love hugs. I love praying – either alone or with someone else. I love British Comedies. I love magical moments. I love Kanye, Curtis, John, Al, The Chicks, Elvis (Costello), GaGa and a million other artists whose music makes life lovelier by adding the fuzzy edges to the hard corners. I love singing. I love mowing the lawn; I love MYSELF more and more every day. I love Egyptology. I love Harry Potter. I love ALL of these things and so many more things besides…NONE of them can be experienced in a real way when you are so involved in a virtual world.

I just want to share one more thing – it’s about my night last night. I sat transfixed as one of my FAVORITE musicians stood a mere 10 feet (roughly) from me on a stage and belted out song after song with energy and enthusiasm and exuberance. I could see the detail on his wedding band, see the sweat on his brow and I was privileged enough to sit in on a session that made the word “intimate concert” have a whole new meaning. His mom was there and we sat in front of a couple that used to take Curtis skiing when he was young. My husband J. reminded me that he was in his brother’s class in high school. Curtis came home and gave a one of a kind show. What he did – and what his special guests did – was give a girl who wasn’t expecting the world – the world. The music transcended the moment and I was in heaven. A ticket mix-up allowed for us to have third row seats. A few extra minutes afterwards allowed for a kind of a half-hug, picture and a conversation with a man who has a talent straight from heaven. A dinner out and a concert and one of the TOP TEN best nights of my life so far. THESE are things I missed out on in Second Life. You never know when one of the BEST moments of your life will occur. You just don’t. Thank goodness I was lucid enough, blessed enough, loved enough, and given enough to get to experience one of those top moments last night.

My all-time favorite Curtis Stigers song to close my blog entry today - he sang it last night. Thank you so much to everyone still reading, still supporting, still loving and still holding me up every day.

Thoughts on hurting

2010-03-03T06:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I will find myself hurting now, almost inexplicably. Maybe it's because I have come out of living a zombie's life for so long. Not getting enough sleep and just feeling stressed and lost in another world. I have to remind myself that people hurt and it's okay to hurt. So much of my life I have always done what's right. I was taught at an early age "do unto others as you will have them do unto you". So I have. And sometimes now more than ever before in my life I ask "why".

Why do I give money to people on the street? Why do I love people even though they hurt me? Why do I let myself be crushed by people whose intentions are less than genuine? Why oh why do I allow myself to be taken in by kind words only to be hurt again when people who profess to care just push me away. Why?

Everyone hurts. Everyone cries. Everyone does things they are sorry for. But why do I forgive? What is it about me that takes an offense - either perceived or real - so much to heart? Why do I take things personally? Probably because there has not been an unintentional act of love on my part, ever. I have never accidentally done something nice. I always believe the best in people. I do. I always think "oh, they didn't mean to hurt me..."

but sometimes I wonder.

I only know a little about the feeling you get when you hurt someone on purpose. It's not a good feeling. It's not one I like to have. I don't feel GOOD when I hurt someone. I don't feel special or smart or happy when I hurt someone. So where is the draw? The lure? And what kind of person DOES feel good when they purposely hurt someone else?

Questions I would love to know the answers to.

This video came out shortly after Curt Cobain died. I remembered it at the time as being a very long song - one that didn't really mean much to me then. But over the years, it has come to have so much more meaning to me.

So today, a couple videos to help comfort and sooth a still-hurting heart and still-healing soul.

REM
Everybody Hurts

&

Amy Grant
Raining on the Inside

and a great blog entry about hurt...

And one more video - from Curtis Stigers, who I will be seeing tonight. I have several favorites and I hope he plays them all.

Makes Me Think God's A Woman Too

2010-03-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

So there's this movie - the movie itself is pretty excellent, but the SONG...the song that this movie delivered to us wrapped in a lovely package and tied with a generous bow...the song makes the movie epic and vice versa. In my YouTube favorites, this was the VERY FIRST song I favorited. It resonated with me...and I love that word "resonated" - it's a fantastic word! The song gives me chills even now and makes me feel empowered. Turn UP your volume and enjoy...

Today was a pretty empowering day. I was greeted this morning by a wonderful email from a friend, I was awarded "Employee Of The Month" at work (WOOT) and I had a great lunch with my coworkers. We laughed and joked and teased and enjoyed each other - sometimes we feel so much like a family, I forget I'm working. :) Today my boss's children were there too and I played with them and held them and cuddled and smooched them. We colored and shared bananas and and and...it was just a super day. After work/school I grabbed E. and we stopped at the store and grabbed some maple cookies and I didn't have anywhere else I needed to be - other than WITH her. and WOW, what a great feeling to just have to think about spending time with my sweet girl.

We headed home where we had cookies and milk and cuddled and watched cartoons - AFTER I managed to do some healthy parenting and go in and fix a little behavior problem. I have let toooo many things slide over the past 17 months - and that was evident today again. And it's amazing - you know, children DO want parental input. I spoke sternly to her about disobeying, demanded a 10-minute time out and she went to her room and sobbed. I came in after 10 minutes and she said "I almost suffocated and died. I had no Kleenex." and I tried not to laugh as I hugged her close and said that I hated to punish her but that I loved her so much. She said she didn't deserve milk and cookies - her afterschool snack - and I said her punishment was over. She was glued to me afterwards...looking at me adoringly. I was truly shocked. If I knew it was that easy to make her adore me...wow. I would have given her a time out sooner. WOW, I can't remember the last time I gave her a time-out actually. I mean, she's so GOOD - so well behaved - an "old soul" as it were. I just always feel like I should "treat her with respect and she will respect me back" but sometimes she gets excited and wants to do things without permission. Hopefully we got that taken care of today though. :)

We went out for a nice walk and time at the playground after snack. We played and climbed and even went down the slide. :) Back home and dinner and beer (for me) and a bath (for her). When it comes to beer, I am a cheap date these days - give me one beer and I am lightly toasted and completely relaxed. My eyes also start to close on their own too - LOL - so I think I will just end this blog entry here. :)

The days are still brighter, the moments still fresher, the sun yellower and so many things just BETTER. I spoke with a RL SLfriend yesterday and she said "You sound so GOOD..." and I just said "That's because I FEEL GOOD!" hahahaha It's not that hard to imagine that. :)

It's Monday! YAY!

2010-03-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

So I handled yesterday quite well, I think. :)

I baked and cooked and had an extremely successful day in the kitchen. I made the Portuguese Sweet Bread, I cooked five pounds of beef and froze three pounds, I made a big pot of chili and a dozen corn muffins, garlic roasted cauliflower and I even made a big bowl of turkey salad with the leftover turkey from last week. This afternoon after picking E. up from school I whipped up a BIG pan of bread pudding. I know, I know - for someone who rarely eats bread (REALLY!) I sure do discuss bread a lot! :) It's just been a bready week!

Thoughts about what to write today have been swirling around my head. As I do so often nowadays, I look to Lady GaGa for my extra-songy-smiles and today I need to give the GaGa some may-jor props. I just love the heck out of her. Today I read a quote of hers that I just loved. I will clean this one up a tiny bit...

"I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the f@cking deli without hearing or seeing me.’”

- Lady GaGa

So...Lady GaGa talks a little about revenge...also about justice in life. Life is not fair - that much is true. I have personally done what I can in my life to even the odds whenever possible. I have always considered myself a bit of a modern-day Robinette Hood. I like to take from the rich and give to the poor - or better, take from the dishonest people and give to the honest ones when the dishonest ones least expect it. As they say, "la vengeance se mange très-bien froide..."

I have often considered why people decide to choose gain for themselves rather than give to others. I give and I have taught my daughter to give to the point of serious personal sacrifice. I literally give until I can't give anymore and then I find another way to give - and now she's the same way. When she turned six she had me contact the Humane Society to hold her birthday party there. She didn't receive even ONE GIFT for herself that day from the people invited. All of her friends brought food, blankets, toys and donated money for the animals and she was completely content with that. This year for her birthday she has asked that she have a pizza party and a magician and she wants to invite all the children from the women & children's shelter and let them each leave with a present - that's what my 8-soon-to-be-9-year-old wants for HER birthday.

Personal gain has never been a goal of mine. "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness" - that's my mantra. I love being kind - but never mistake it for me being weak. I haven't had a very strong time of it lately, but overall in my life, I have had to deal with some pretty big things - and the result of it is that I am a damn strong girl. I am a cancer survivor - age 23, Skin Cancer...Malignant Melanoma, Stage II-III. At stage IV you generally lose something important... either a limb or your life. I survived that. Being a chunky girl all through elementary and middle AND high school. I survived the HELL out of that. I lost weight in college and even fought with an eating disorder and I also struggled moving from college to college and scrounging to find my niche before eventually graduating. I got my degree in English and a minor in Humanistic Studies and managed to pull a 3.5 my Senior year and an overall 3.2 for my final GPA. Of course, this includes the 1.9 I had a Sophomore when I was still struggling to find my place. I am no stranger to overcoming adversity. Life has never been handed to me on a silver platter - nor have I ever expected it to be. I started working when I was 15 with a special work permit. I didn't sit at home and kick back and be a teenager - like I could have - no one PUSHED me into working. I wanted the spending money and my dad supported my work ethic. And speaking of ethics - when I say I have a DISTINCT feeling about right and wrong, I need to add that it's almost to the point of obsession. When I feel a wrong has been done, my brain works overtime to figure out how to right the wrong. I have been known to stop at nothing until a wrong is righted. And when I have tried everything humanly possible and I still can't right the wrong, it actually pains me until I find a way to reconcile the wrong inside myself and learn to just live side by side with it - but even then I wait quietly in my little corner waiting to see justice prevail someday - with the patience of a saint and a small smile at my lips.

So as I grow as a person and mature I know at some point this urge to see all wrongs righted may change. I pacify myself with words of comfort from such incredible historical figures as Frank Herbert who said "Justice belongs to those who claim it, but let the claimant beware lest he create new injustice by his claim and thus set the bloody pendulum of revenge into its inexorable motion".

And Mahatma Ghandi who said "An eye for an eye would make the whole world blind".

Or even songstress Alanis Morisette...who put it simply "You live, you learn."

I mean, you never can tell when someone will take an opportunity to make a complete idiot out of you - I mean a REAL fool...like drag you out into the middle of an intersection and just humiliate the living crap out of you while everyone watches and you're just stunned into silence and submission. Until you can learn to live with the fact that some people will stop at nothing to further their own agenda - and SOMETIMES you can't do a damn thing about it, you too will be sitting in the same toxic waste that they wallow in. You need to rise above...suspend yourself in mid-air long enough to look down on them and give a little wave and slowly float above the slime and ooze until you reach a solid piece of ground that's neat and clean and ready for you to create your new safe place...your own private battlement again...where you can defend your castle's turrets and dissuade the enemy from even trying to hurt you in the first place. And you know, when all else fails, I tend to turn to the Bible anyway. There are some CHOICE quotes in there dealing with revenge. My favorite that I have found so far is located in Psalm 55:12-14 & 20-22.

"...If it were an enemy making fun of me, I could endure it
if it were an opponent boasting over me, I could hide myself from him
But it is you, my companion, my colleague and close friend
We had intimate talks with each other and worshiped together
in the Temple..." (vs. 55:12-14)

"...My former companion attacked his friends, he broke his promises
His words were smoother than cream, but there was hatred in his heart;
his words were soothing as oil, but they cut like sharp swords.
Leave your troubles with the Lord and He will defend you
he never lets honest men be defeated..." (vs. 55:20-22)

So, in summary, there's a time to get back at someone and a time to grow past that and realize that living well and being happy with who you are can be the best revenge. Especially when you suspect that the REAL reason they exacted their revenge on you in the first place is because they are so damned unhappy with themselves - so weak and full of cowardice that the only way they felt like they could survive is by making someone else miserable. Hot or cold, this way of serving revenge is always sure to satisfy the person serving it most of all.

Sunday morning

2010-02-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

Ouch...my SHINS STILL HURT. I was out hiking for two hours yesterday. It felt WONDERFUL. I breathed in and out - and I breathed in and out A LOT on the tough hills...Ha Ha Ha. Anyway, I took the (dirt) road less traveled and hiked up and into the Dry Creek Cemetery area. I was walking through the cemetery and I found the most incredible thing. I spontaneously started to cry - and I took a picture with my blackberry...

I felt it was so meaningful. The entire hike up I thought about SL and about the people I have met there over the past 17 months. I thought about the wrongs and the rights - the good AND the bad. I hummed and even sang along with my iPod at times as I was walking. I would turn around from time to time and look back down towards my house and the city spreading off to the left. I realized while looking back can be a beautiful thing, when you're walking forwards - especially when you have the tough hills to climb, you have to look AHEAD of you.

It sounds so simple, but it's very true. I took a picture in the cemetery - me: completely waterlogged, sweaty, worn out - but very, very content.

After returning home and having the HOTTEST SHOWER EVER...I relaxed and enjoyed a few more quiet hours of just vegging out on the couch. As often as I have said it before, having two lives can be so extremely stressful. Having ONE life - even a busy and fulfilling life - can be COMPLETELY relaxing after living like I have for as long as I have.

After a great movie on the TV, some time with E. and J. at home, a trip to the mall which involved a delicious Orange Julius break and then a surprise dinner out, I was ready to crawl to the nearest pillow and pass out. WHICH is exactly what I did. :)

I awoke early this morning - with SL on my mind. The point of everything was making it to today without logging in. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't - which only made me mad. LOL. But not mad-angry - mad-annoyed. I jumped up and headed into the kitchen to make a loaf of fresh bread. I have been delving back into the cooking, you know. So I started by grabbing my well-worn recipe for Portuguese Sweet Bread and started throwing all the ingredients into the bread machine. I made it all the way to the flour - the VERY last ingredient - before I realized - OMG...I have no YEAST. HOW COULD I FORGET YEAST?! Well, off I trudged to the grocery store in my track pants and long-sleeve shirt and hair slightly combed (ha!) and eyes still sleepy TO BUY YEAST. I was a bit ashamed and felt kind of mad at myself again for letting my life get to this point. Back in the day, I always had yeast. I could plan a meal on a moments notice and have everything I needed in cabinets and the pantry. These days, not so much. It was a(nother) wake up call for me as I realized that I was so far separated from something I used to pride myself on.

While at the store, I grabbed a big head of cauliflower too - I love that stuff. The same magazine that talked about the soup yesterday also talked about roasted cauliflower so I have a plan for that stuff later. :)

When I got home, I added the yeast to the bread machine and even as I type this, I can smell the bread baking. I don't eat bread often these days - I quit eating bread often about 10 months ago - but E. and J. love it - and I might have a little bit. :)

I have already logged into SL this morning. I did it early so I wouldn't run into a lot of people online. I just knew if I was there to do anything other than read notecards and click notices, I would want to stay...or might be tempted to stay. I logged in and the barrage of notes and wonderful comments from friends were there to greet me. What a nice greeting. So many of them included personal contact information (which I will be putting to good use) for people outside SL. And the few that didn't, I made sure to give mine to them.

Two notecards in particular meant so much to me. A dear friend from early on in SL sent me a note that made me smile and have tears at the same time about his own experiences right now. I immediately said a prayer and sent a hug. Another notecard from a very recent NEW friend and it made my eyes wet too. Everything she said meant so much to me. I feel blessed to have people who care - and who are reading my blog - and getting so much out of it. I don't WANT to drag people out of SL with me - that's not my goal. BUT, for those who are also suffering - those who are also hurting - my goodness...if I can help with what I share in ANY way - I will. A true friend is someone who is there in good times and bad, someone who will not forsake you - even when the chips are down and when times are tough. A true friend will not ask you to choose between them and others. A true friend respects you, loves you and challenges you to be the best "you" that you can be. I need as many true friends as I can get in this life - REAL life - and I value the true friendships that I am taking with me from that world into this one. I love being a true friend - it's really all I looked for in SL.

So I spent about 30-40 minutes responding to notes in-world and then took care of a couple of other things related to the Gallery and logged off - easy-peasy. Quick and painless. NOW, I have logged on - and I don't really feel like going back today. I made it 6 days and WOW...it was so much easier than I thought - and I feel so much better than I expected. Just positive and thankful and excited about cleaning the house (HAHAHAHAH!) and looking forward to seeing what the path that I will continue to walk in my life has in store for me. I know there will be times that I look back - like I did yesterday - but I will also be looking forward. Forward with a smile on my face and a song at my lips and a soaring heart. Because life is never as bad as it seems. And love is always there - if you look for it. Bad things and heartache are always there too - just turn on the news to see it...but you know, I so prefer choosing the good.

This song seems fitting for today. And, for every day really. Forgive me the fact that it's being sung by a teenager...sometimes the youth have a lot to teach the rest of us.

The words to this song are so meaningful to me. There IS always going to be another mountain - and sometimes I will lose my way in the process of the climb. Sometimes I will climb it and it will be the greatest feeling when I get to the top and see how far I came.

Here's to looking down from the top...and realizing that mistakes aren't mistakes. They are just lessons.

Focusing

2010-02-27T07:43:00.000-08:00

This morning it's SOOOO darn early and I have been online now for a little over an hour. No real HUGE temptation to log into SL, although it has been in the back of my mind a little. J. and E. have left the house and it's just me and Berg the dog. So I am completely unsupervised. ;) Actually, it happens SO rarely and I have had coffee, juice, a little toast...and I am thinking that it's probably time for me to head out to hike a little. I live right next to the foothills that lead into the mountains and it's just so seldom that there's nothing keeping me from grabbing my iPod and just going out and walking or hiking up into them. So I think I will be dragging myself out in a couple of minutes - rain or shine. :)

E. is at a huge chess tournament today. I just distract her when I go. She comes back and forth to me and wants sympathy or cheering - depending how her games go. J. is much better at that then me. I want to protect her always and he's a bit more matter-of-fact about the entire thing.

I read a friend's status on Facebook this morning and I just had to share it on here.

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. ♥ So love the people who treat you right. ♥ Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would...... be worth it."

It's funny, I know some people reading this might be taking the "methinks she doth protest too much" attitude about what I am writing. You know, the parts about feeling better. I mean, I have kind of gone on and on about it. The absolute truth is that somewhere along the way I became so accustomed to feeling certain things that when the need or want or urge to not be connected to SL daily - hourly...constantly....no longer was there - well, I personally just feel like celebrating the feelings of feeling free and good and calm. Of course there are times that I struggle with logging on. I mean, let's be honest here - there are a lot of enticing things about SL. And there are people I care about there. I wish them so much good - and I miss communicating with them SO very much. And then of course there are the moments I think of certain places in SL. Eternia being one of those places - it is a dance area where everything is in the sky and misty and lovely. I only went there maybe a handful of times...but each time I went it was beautiful.

Yesterday the monthly fee for being a premium SL member was deducted from my bank. I didn't really think too hard about rushing to cancel my premium membership, but I have been contemplating it a great deal. I basically decided that I will know a lot more about where I stand with SL in a month. My mind has run the gamut of thoughts about it. The temptation was there to just delete my account several times. I am just not sure about that. I think time will be the best decision maker for me. :) And while right now I am in a good place - and logging in isn't a huge temptation for me, things just feel more right for me now. Like they are clicking into place. Factually, I have been so withdrawn from things emotionally that it's with a great deal of relief that I wake up and go to sleep each day.

Earlier this morning I was reading a magazine and I saw a recipe for Italian Wedding Soup with a greek twist. I actually considered hopping up and running to the grocery store and getting the few fresh ingredients that I need and running back home and getting it allllll cooked up. :) It was such a terrific thought...being creative in the kitchen again. There's just so much that I used to do to keep myself occupied and I feel like in many ways, I am seeing it for the first time.

Well, it's a little rainy today...and I have literally hours ahead of me to spend the day any way I want. :) I think it's time for a timeless classic.

I somewhat resemble the comment "Well, everything below the neck works fine."

Getting S.M.A.R.T

2010-02-26T18:21:00.000-08:00

So one of my favorite quotes these days is Obi-Wan's quote..."You find many of the truths you cling to depend greatly on your point of view"

Clarity of mind, truth in life and pure joy is not in SL for me. This morning I got SMART. About 20 minutes before I was supposed to leave the house for work, I realized - one reason I have been so miserable and crying in my car has been because of the music I have been listening to. SO...I decided to take a break from music in my car. For anyone who truly knows me, taking a break from "music" is cause to be concerned that this could be a sign of the apocalypse. I love music and live with music constantly in my life.

I quickly brought up my iTunes and hurriedly searched new Podcasts and found 3 or 4 awesome ones I couldn't wait to hear. I started downloading the files and the moment I got into my car, I plugged the synced iPod in and started learning about Capon and Yorkshire Pudding and then on the way home I laughed hard with Ricky Gervais and a few of his friends. :) It was a unique and COMPLETELY AWESOME way to spend my ride. I drive for about 25 minutes each way to work...so it's a significant amount of time I spend in the car each day.

Today is day 4 completely out of SL...and I am doing well so far - even still. I am relishing the opportunity to feel like there's no reason to hurry. :) I know so many of the feelings I had about SL and the people there were ones I imposed upon myself. I am 100% aware of that. However, that being said, I soooooooo enjoy all this new-found relaxation time. The feeling that I can take a deep breath and close my eyes and just zone. :) I said it before, and I will say it again - there are SOME people that SL is just MEANT for. Seriously. These people take great things from it and I am SO glad for them. I don't WANT them to leave. Then there are other people that SL is SO bad for. People like me. Sure, I found myself alone most nights...so it was a way for me and my social-butterfly self to always keep active (mentally at least) and not feel so alone but I have got to replace the SL time with RL time. I am looking into some sewing classes (I would LOVE to learn to sew!) and maybe some late-night bookstore trips and more weekends like last weekend where I went over to a friend's house for a clothing-swap with a bunch of strangers! I walked away with a few new friends - LOCAL friends - that I can spend time with!

Today the Culligan Man at work flirted with me again for the hmm... 8th time? THIS time he accused me of avoiding him the past few times he has been in (I have been, actually) and always saying no when he asked me out (for the record, he has NEVER asked me out). It was a total ego boost for me - I mean, in SL when someone flirts with you, it's a big ego boost... but in RL...well, there's just no comparison. :D Of course I was wearing an uber cute new shirt I got from Old Navy for my birthday and my hair is getting so long...I just felt cute today...so I guess that must have come through somehow. It always ALWAYS feels good when someone compliments you on your appearance. And I feel like I am looking...hmmm...less stressed maybe. The weight I have lost over the past 12 months is still gone - and more is coming off. I have never looked better in my adult life than I do now. I weigh less now than I have in 13 years. I feel so much more confident than I did even a couple of weeks ago. :) It's just an all-around great feeling. I feel blessed and pleasant. I am no longer faking my smiles. Wow...I just made that realization. I have been faking them for a long time. It's just great to have genuine feelings coming out of me.

I had a song picked out to embed from YouTube but the thing is, it's a bit depressing - and I feel too good to post it. LOL - I am actually giggling as I type that. :) So, instead, something different.

I smile every time I hear this song. So it's a great way to close this post. With a virtual and a RL smile.

Today's Blog, Brought To You By The Letter "B"

2010-02-25T20:30:00.000-08:00

and "B" is for "Bettah" - (better)

I can't even begin to say how much better I feel. I catch myself now and then kind of vaguely wondering if I have had any notecards or IM's or notices. Since I have been completely out of world for 3 full days and pretty much separated from SL on a large scale for a week, I haven't been receiving any kind of notices to my mail...I shut off that option - and THANK GOODNESS I did. Phew.

I feel like SL is still a dangerous thing for me - and I don't miss IT near as much as I thought I would. I miss some of the people. :( In fact, I think of them often and I immediately send good thoughts their way.

It's a very surreal feeling to constantly feel the need to be somewhere for 17 months and then just shut it all off like a switch. It's something I have been giving a great deal of thought to - the fact that nowadays if I want to doze in the chair for a little bit - or crash on the couch for a short nap - I do it. In the past, I would grab a couple toothpicks, prop my eyes open and just log on. Now I am not constantly thinking "log on log on log on" when I have a few minutes to myself. There's no obligation to be there - and there is so much peace in that for me. I take long cleansing breaths (seriously!) and wow...it just makes me feel wonderful.

A close friend told me yesterday that one thing to practice when/if I feel bad is thinking of an amazing moment...one of the best of my life...and then the feeling of the rush of joy when you think about and meditate on that moment can help you through some rough patches. WOW, was this friend RIGHT ON. I think I was so distracted for 17 months on what I could possibly do with my life that I forgot my RL doesn't royally suck. I may not live in a McMansion or drive a 30k car or have copious amounts of money to spend every time I go somewhere - but you know what?
I have me. I have a home. I have my dream car. I have a great family. I have incredible friends who are bending over backwards right now to support me. I have blessings - so, so many blessings. I am lucky that the people I owe apologies to - my friends and family - for blowing off or forgetting or glazing over important dates in the past 17 months - these people have all forgiven me. They have hugged me close and loved me and told me how glad they are that I am doing this and how PROUD they are - collectively - of my decision to come back to them. These things continue to underscore the importance of me following through with this successfully. Tomorrow is Friday - the usual night of logging on. LOL, and then Saturday - the morning, noon and night of logging on. WOW...NOT having to log on is SO freeing. I started making plans for the weekend without trying to calculate in my SL time. YAY! It may sound silly to those who have never been in a place like I am now - but trust me. This is all a good thing.

I could type more, but I will save your eyes. ;) Last night at church we had an exercise about prayer. We were all given numbers when we walked into the sanctuary and then everyone with that number was placed in a group. Once in our groups, we discussed God (what does he look like, when is it hardest/easier to pray, do you feel like you can ask for anything) and we watched this short movie about prayer. I am embedding it here. It's pretty long, and in Spanish subtitles. It's in English though - and if you would be willing to spare the time, it's a very VERY worthwhile thing to watch. Oh, yes, at the end of the group discussion, we needed to share something for the person to our right to pray for. The woman next to me asked me to pray for her knees and ankles. She's having a harder time getting around these days. I asked the girl next to me to pray for guidance. She asked the woman next to her to pray for her schoolwork and the woman next to her asked to pray for financial stability. Apparently, she's been having to go to the food pantry and she's ashamed about that. Again, I was handed perspective on a silver platter. If all I am asking for is guidance - then I am one of the lucky ones. Please watch this...it could change your views on prayer. Thanks for taking the time to spend another day watching me splay my inner-most thoughts all over the place.

So What Exactly Led To Me Leaving SL?

2010-02-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well, this is actually an extremely loaded question. So many things led to this decision. Things that were related to people in-world and out-of-world. My daughter - she would be a big huge reason for leaving. E. is an incredibly smart and beautiful girl. She has the world by a string - somehow I have still managed to end up blessed with her - and even though I havent been as involved as her mom as I feel I could have been (instead, I was distracted at times from being with her)during the past 17 months, I know she is STILL being raised well. She is getting so many awards - scholastic, character and kindness awards - and I am the luckiest mom on the planet. J. (My husband) would be another reason for me leaving. Or, rather, what we're going through right now. We have so many important decisions to make in the coming months. Clarity of mind is absolutely imparitive for me right now.

SL does NOT bring me clarity of mind. I guess some people can log in and when they leave, they take nothing with them. Me, personally, I have a great deal of trouble doing that. I bring everything with me and I take everything to heart. If a friend treated me in a way that felt unfair in SL, I would take it with me to my RL. If a person I cared about - someone I established a relationship with - lied to me or treated me with disrespect and dishonesty, it broke my heart in RL. I guess certain people aren't cut out for SL. I felt so much pain, sadness and sorrow there - it ceased to be a pleasant thing for me. I would log on and sometimes just stand alone in a room during some of my time there - and if I went out and danced or shopped...it just wasnt fullfilling. I wasnt looking for some sort of band-aid to put on an open wound...I was mostly just looking to heal the wound itself. That will never be done there for me.

I called a friend of mine in RL today that I met in SL. I immediately felt nausiated after hanging up. Not because I wasnt happy talking with this person, but because I was brought back into everything for just a moment. The lies, the sadness, the heartbreak from being hurt by people I thought so much about once - it all came rushing back AGAIN. The casual nature with which people treat hurting each other in a virtual world is absolutely astonishes me. People think nothing of completely destroying a human being and then leaving them to suffer in silence. I guess a lot of people can blow this off - or maybe they get their kicks killing people from the inside out. Not me. I can't be like that. One of the things that led me to leave SL was my own behavior. I changed a little. I became harsh and hurtful - two things I have never been. I was becoming the person I have grown to despise in SL. One of the insincere ones. The ones who use the living hell out of you and then spit you out. Those you trust and let inside your RL only to have them lie about you and garner sympathy for their inexcusable behavior to those who will listen until they use THEM up and spit THEM out and move on to another unsuspecting person. People who can only think of themselves - no matter what mess of wreckage they leave behind - just as long as THEIR needs are satisfied. These are just things I could never do...I couldn't treat another human being with that little respect and that much hurt. People who are truly heartless.

It's interesting because I have met both sides of the spectrum in SL. People who are there to be a friend and to care about each other. People who want to lift others up and do good with the time and energy they have. People with which you can have wonderful dialogs and learn so much about different places and cultures and laugh and enjoy times spent together. If and when I return to SL, it will be to see THESE people.

So ultimately, my answer for why I left would have to be just the lack of concern in general for other people's feelings.

Last night as I was tucking E. into bed, she held my face in her hand, searched my eyes until she locked on them tightly with hers - she had my complete attention - and she said "Momma, you are doing such a good job not logging onto Second Life. I don't like that place very much. It made you cry and you didn't want to play with me as much. If you make it this week without logging on, I am going to buy you the hugest present!" I almost got tears in my eyes as I leaned down and kissed her goodnight. I was so proud of her for once again parenting me out of a tough moment. What a lucky, lucky mom I am.

So now, as I find myself without much to do in my RL and a blog entry almost completed, I take a big breath and hope I make it to my "hugest present". One thing is for sure...I am so completely proud of my decision to do this for myself and for my family. The Christians say "What Would Jesus Do" and the Mormons say "Choose The Right"...I think both are on my side today. I just feel so much better all around.

Until the next entry...

Another Day, Feeling Stronger

2010-02-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

I let myself cry in the car in the morning on the way to work. Almost every day. I was initially crying tears of sadness, and they have more recently morphed to tears of frustration and anger. I can't even begin to tell anyone how angry I am with myself. I shake my head in anger and mad tears fall. The car in the morning is where I feel most susceptible to giving up on being proud of myself. For whatever reason, this private time I get to myself becomes a time for me to chastise myself for the things I have done that have led me to this point. Some mornings I want to stop the car, climb out and tell everyone to get away from me. I want to warn them away - tell them that I am weak and disgusting...that only someone THIS weak in spirit would be this broken. I want to scream at them and crumple into a ball in the middle of the road while they all just stare at me. Then the feeling passes right about the time I am a minute or two from work. Thankfully, I generally am so concerned about being at work on time, I never do jump out of my car. I do listen to this song a lot in the mornings though...

Once I get to work, I have regained the grasp on my emotions and I am almost immediately distracted by other people's problems (work-related) and a desk full of work to feel bad. I work with the most amazing people on the planet - so nine times out of ten when I leave the office, I leave completely satisfied with myself. I sigh when I climb into the car and say a quick word of thanks for having the privilege of working with the coolest people on earth and for even having a job at all...I am so incredibly blessed when it comes to that. So many people are struggling and suffering - and while I am certainly not flush with cash, at least I am hearing about bonuses and opportunities to advance when others have unemployment checks that will be running out soon.

There have been many things that I have felt that I have gained from leaving SL. I guess I will talk about them now. One would be a sense that my mind is clearer. There is a true clarity that comes from only living one life - and trying to make that life exactly what I want it to be, rather than creating a better life virtually. There were times in the past when I threatened to leave SL - I wasn't ready to though - that's so obvious to me now. I guess it took the events of last week and the events leading up to the events that finally did it for me. But I think my reasons for finally leaving SL might be better as a post by themselves. :)

Another thing I have gained is perspective. Things that seemed so important in my mind now seem very far away and completely unimportant. An example? Hmmm...losing a piece of furniture because SL was being SL and somehow lost a 1700L something-or-another used to have some sort of affect on me. I was disturbed. I would stop everything and search or contact tech support to find where it could have gone. I wouldn't rest until it was back. I would IM the creator if it couldn't be found...and try and figure out how to get another copy. I wasted so much time on something that didn't exist. I guess that's what I mean by perspective.

Also, problems or disagreements with people seem so much less important. Part of my problem with SL is that I had an incredibly difficult time pretending to be someone else - so I just never tried. A argument or slam was personal for me - even if the person on the other end didn't mean it to be, it still felt intensely personal...an attack on my heart, soul and mind when it could have been meant as nothing more than their "play-time" acting...for me...someone sincere and there in-world with genuine feelings, it was excruciating to be on the other end of that pain. When I was in the 5K this year, I took so many people with me emotionally. As I trudged up the side of a mountain, I prayed for people/avatars - using their SL names...I thanked God that I felt their love and support and I was so grateful and blessed by their friendship and love. There are a handful of genuine loving and caring people in SL. Those are the individuals I will miss so very much.

Last night when I logged on to attend the gallery opening, I was prepared to defend my choices to leave to anyone who bothered to look at my profile and see that I was separating myself from SL. None of that came...which made me smile. I was afraid that my closest friends would want me to stay (and some of them did say that) but all of them said they were happy for me - and that meant SO very much. Maybe I will come back when I can handle the hurt with a tougher skin. When I can get up and away from SL without feeling like I need to stay logged on. When the event was over last night, I walked back to my house and logged off looking at my pets in SL - dog Engla and kitten Jett. I had just wiped a few tears, hugging a dear loving friend goodbye - a friend who has been there for me countless times - and a friend who wished me nothing but happiness, heath and joy. I immediately wanted to go back and log on again. I wanted to stay...I wanted to change my mind and just stay. But you know, it's not the moments where I am involved in conversations with others and attending a specific event that are the problem. It's the moments where I have nothing to do...I am just standing in a virtual room waiting - not wanting to miss anything, but not having anything to miss. That moment of just waiting for something to occur...and not wanting to miss that moment SHOULD it happen. It's difficult to explain, but when I was a very young child my mother tells me that on evenings that they had people over, I would climb out of my crib (they had no idea how I managed to do it) and I would crawl over to my bedroom door and eventually fall asleep with my face so close to the door that in the morning when she went to retrieve me, she would have to open the door so carefully, so as not to disturb a sleeping Stephie. I love a party, I love people, I don't want to miss a minute of the fun. I am finding that a little bit of a struggle, on nights like tonight. I don't intend to log back in until Sunday of next week for a meeting...so I am sitting here now wiggling my toes and wondering if "everyone" is doing okay...and WHAT they are doing...and what I am missing. But I am confident that in time I won't find it so difficult.

Mornings are going to be rough...

2010-02-22T06:04:00.000-08:00

I have decided mornings are going to be rough. Right now, I have my coffee, my laptop, my Bible, iTunes and my 8 year old all keeping me grounded and sane.

I want to talk a little this morning about exhaustion. Can I just share right now that living two lives can be completely exhausting? So many times over this weekend I just felt total relief that I had one life (the more important life, I might add) to be worrying about right now. In SL, I loved being so many of the things I am in RL. I loved listening to people - learning about them, having them share their thoughts, worries and concerns with me and then in some cases, feeling like I helped them in some way. Helping people makes me feel whole. I even helped people recently in the midst of my own pain and sorrow. I tend to push pain and sorrow and my own needs and wants aside often for the sake of others. I also tend to let people think everything is just fine on the outside when on the inside I feel as if my insides have liquefied and are being sucked out of my body with a vacuum.

Speaking of vacuums, one thing I always loved about SL is the fact that nothing is ever DIRTY. :) There's never a house to clean up. Last night after a great dinner (cooking again! YAY - I decided to make a mini Thanksgiving, since it's my favorite holiday) I was talking with E (my daughter) and J (my husband) and we got around to discussing goals and expectations just certain ones we have for each other. For whatever reason, I felt bold enough in that moment to say "I expect you both to help keep the living room clean. One of the things that drew me to SL was that everything was clean, neat and in order. I need a room in this house that is clean, neat and completely in order - it makes my brain feel settled - and that room needs to be the living room." One thing I can say for SL, I think I found some cajones there. Old Stephanie never would have had the courage or power to stand up for herself. Standing up for others has never been a problem. Standing up for ME - that has been tough. I have been recognizing lately that I feel stronger as a human being - more likely to admit I need things or want things a certain way. More dissection on that later.

So...as I talked about at the start of this post...a big part of giving something up is breaking the cycle of events that happen even before the habit itself. Last week I tried several things. One time I find myself powerless against the "need" to log on is after I pick Emmy up at school. I got into the habit of rushing home and logging on - regardless of whether or not I had any errands to do. Many times I would just throw the errand out the window. I considered everything an interruption of my SL anyway. Every moment of the day I wasn't online, I was thinking about what I was going to do when I did log on. I frequently resented the day-to-day "interruptions" like grocery shopping, stopping at the post office, going to the store for something or even volunteering. Last week I practiced stopping everything when I picked E up and we would do things OUT of the house. We went to an antique store last week and the library too. Getting back in touch with reality, while difficult for many to comprehend who have not been addicted to something like SL, is absolutely instrumental in feeling better. I am going to list below some of the other things I have found helpful in distracting me from getting into the cycle of events before they even start:

Standing up and walking around, finding something to wipe, scrub or wash
Finding other things to do with my hands...Thursday night last week it took knitting, the television (thank you, Olympics!) and a book for me to eventually just close my eyes and fall asleep
Logging on to FaceBook and catching up with real life friends there
Logging on to YouTube and listening to music
Cooking
Thinking and talking through needs and ideas about life with J or others

Eventually the urges pass and I emerge healthy and forcefully fight that draw that I have been feeling from time to time.

Tonight I will be logging on to attend an art exhibition (in Second Life, I kind of got into the photography thing) and will mostly likely have to change my hair and clothes (that have not been changed in maybe five days) and look nice for the event. There will be lots of people/avatars I know there...I am not sure how many know that I am transitioning out of SL. I intend to keep a space there for now, as I haven't completely severed all ties with everyone (more about that later), but I need to only go in-world on my terms. J has encouraged me to not give it up completely...but I think that's because he knows that I will just pester him to do stuff around the house and keep him from spending the entire night in HIS office online if I did. :)

Anyway, I am kind of dreading being in-world tonight. The last couple of times I have logged on, I have been IM'd (Instant Messaged) constantly. It just goes ping-ping, ping-ping non-stop and I get into long conversations and then find it hard to just log off. Although, I will say, yesterday when I meant to be online for a couple of minutes and instead was online for over an hour - it turned out very well. Sometimes God knows - He communicates between believers who NEED to talk. Two people who may have never spoken before - only knew of one another - and suddenly BOOM...a conversation happens that benefits both people and calms some of the stormy seas of confusion and acceptance that still exist. I think tonight before logging on - as strange as this sounds - I will offer my time online to God. I feel like if I do that, it will help me with the entire experience. It's 30 minutes long...I can survive that.

Leaving everyone with a song today. This one has been on repeat in my car lately. It makes me feel strong and healthy...for some strange reason. I don't think many people would disagree that Alanis is a STRONG woman. LOL.

To Die or Not To Die...No Longer A Question.

2010-02-21T11:31:00.000-08:00

This blog is basically going to be an in-your-face, one-sided dialog about my emergence from an addiction. Most people who know me would never suspect I am/was addicted to anything other than being nice to people. I don't mean to sound like I am being conceited or egotistical, but really - I am just trying to be honest. Whether I believe it or not, it's what people say about me on my facebook page and while it simultaneously makes me happy and grumbly, it is what it is. And speaking of honesty, this blog will be smeared with honesty. The names will be changed to protect the innocent, but I just wanted you (the reader) to be prepared for that. Brutal and painful at times, but also so necessary in admitting you have a problem and also so necessary in the journey of self-discovery that allows you to emerge healthy. But here I am, going off track already.

Addiction is an interesting word. It conjures all sorts of nasty images in people's heads. I mean, we never really use addiction in a positive way, right? We don't find ourselves saying "he is addicted to kindness" or "she is addicted to telling humorous stories". Instead, the word addiction is saved for the seriously bad juju. And I am here to tell you, I have been addicted to some serious juju for the past seventeen months.

Second Life has been described by many as an MMORPG - otherwise known as a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game. I challenge that description and instead insist that Second Life (abbreviated "SL") is actually more of a high-level, completely interactive social network. If you haven't experienced anything like it, I am not sure I recommend that you try. On the other hand, for those curious, there's nothing I can do to stop you. Although, before trying it, I would hasten to suggest that you read about some of the messes that it has created in some people's lives - just so you walk in with your wits about you - should you decide to try it.

http://www.emotionalwellbeingblog.com/2007/08/is-second-life-ultimate-cyber-addiction.html

I learned about SL innocently enough. I attended a conference in Anchorage, Alaska and saw a session about Second Life. I had absolutely no clue about it, but as someone who has supported online social networking for a decade, I felt compelled to attend. I signed up for an account in the session and immediately got to work creating an avatar and shopping in the many different free places...grabbing everything in sight because, well, it was FREE. I soon learned that there was a pretty dark side to SL...vampires, orgy rooms, all sorts of activities I had never even imagined taking place everywhere I looked. Sure, there was innocent stuff too - which I found myself gravitating towards more than the questionable. BUT, if I was smarter, I would have run the other direction early in my introduction to this world where everything goes...literally everything. Instead, I searched out some familiar things - I found a place to rent a house in a New England community and slowly got to know my neighbors and landlady. I became a friend to many and I was well-loved, respected and appreciated and I found myself spending as much as 10-12 hours online in SL on the weekends, cultivating these relationships with people from around the world. Fast forward to December 31, 2009 and me - the PTA mom, the women's shelter volunteer, the insurance associate, the Christian - me, Stephanie - not me, the avatar - wanted to curl up into a ball and just die from the pain of everything.

For one instant, I seriously considered it. I was on a treacherously icy road and my gas light had just come on. I had $4 in my wallet and $2 in my checkbook. Christmas had just passed and payday hadn't come yet. I was coming from such a dark place emotionally and this trivial annoyance somehow became my breaking point. I pulled over to the nearest gas station and put $4 worth of gas in my car. My gas light went off and I continued to creep home in the inky darkness that surrounded me. Pools of light from the streetlights created a path for me to travel slowly home. There was snow swirling all about and every time I applied even the slightest bit of pressure to my brake pedal, Svetlana (my Scion X-B) would start skidding to and fro. There are a lot of steep hills in Boise - it's a mountainous area. It was an extremely dangerous drive. Things rushed through my mind. How did I get here? Not here in my location, but here in my mind? How did I find myself thoroughly depressed, completely exhausted, emotionally destroyed to the very depths of my soul? How did I find myself looking at empty parking lot after empty parking lot - just wishing for the courage to turn into the lot, park my car overnight, cry myself to sleep and never wake up again. Or even to slide off the road down an embankment never to feel hurt or pain again.

I am pretty sure I know some reasons why. I need to think them out and talk them out, however. Take them out of my brain, dissect them with a Y-incision (ugh, I know...my friend Brandon had to dissect things for me in high school - I am not so good at dissecting), get past them and move on with my life and re-establish my emotional health. This blog will be my own personal journey to find the answer to all of these questions and also continue to give me the courage to breath in and out and smile and find Stephanie again. I can only hope and pray that it may also act as a catalyst to help others who are also seeking emergence into a more healthy emotional state.

I will continue my train of thought again later. Thank you for reading. I wish wonderful things for all of us.